2nd tri and going strong

We're going on 16 weeks and I still pinch myself daily to make sure I'm not dreaming and ask how I got this lucky.  Some would ask how I could say that I'm lucky after all that I've been through.  It makes me think of a saying a friend told me "never look at what you've lost, only look at what you have left".  I have so much left.  I have 3 angels watching over my family and a blessing in my tummy.  I haven't forgotten about my angels and talk to them often.  I have three angel charms in each of their birthstone colors that hang from my rear view mirror in my car.  The car is the time I talk to them most...when it's just us and I can speak freely.  When I picked up some baby items from a friend last week I was so excited and I held the charms and apologized that I never got to be that excited for them and told them how much I love and miss them.  I also thanked them for watching over us.

LO is growing strong and I actually felt movement this past Monday!  I was sitting at my desk all slumped over and felt a few little pops.  I am inclined to think that it was LO flipping over and I'll tell you why.  From the very beginning, I've found the heartbeat on my right side.  Ever since the 'movement', I've found it on the left side.

We had our NT scan three weeks ago on the 12th and LO looks like a baby now!  We were calling LO Blob or Blobby, but now that he/she no longer looks like a blob, we renamed her/him Mini Me.  Hubby was quite shocked how human the baby looked and I think it made it real to him.  Our next appointment is on 12/10 and I hope to find out the sex.  Although last night hubby said to me that his friends told him we are crazy for finding out the sex and now he's second guessing it...grrrr.  I have two weeks to convince him it doesn't matter what his friends think or did.  I need to know! 

That's about it for now.  We're prepping for the holidays.  Christmas tree is up and I've been internet shopping like a fool.  Anyone want to pay my credit card bill?

Here's a sneak peek at Mini Me from our NT scan:

Update on me and my blob

It makes me uneasy to even type the words that thus far this pregnancy is going well.  I'm not one to say that thinking positively will jinx us.  A jinx didn't make my first 3 pregnancies ectopic or IVF fail.  A jinx isn't going to end this baby's life.

That being said, we are doing well.  I have been sick with a cold that past week or so and am finally almost 100%.  My last appointment was on 10/4 which was my first OB appointment.  My regular doctor was on vacation so I saw the other doctor who I am not in love with, but she knows what she's doing.  She was happy for us that we conceived on our own and that I'm on progesterone.  My doctor's office is a firm believer in checking progesterone levels and supplementing if necessary.  She did a pap and checked my cervix, which was nice and closed.  Then she said I get an u/s!  I wasn't expecting one that day, and got nervous immediately of course.  The sonographer was super sweet and we chatted about my pregnancies and her upcoming wedding.  She found baby (a.k.a. blob) and I could see blob had grown from the previous week.  I saw the fluttering heart and she was measuring away.  She said she measured the heartbeat, but I didn't see the typical heartbeat line that I expected to, so I got nervous.  She explained everything on the screen and told me the heartbeat was at 142bpm!  She gave me my pics and sent me out to see the doctor who told me that everything looked good and baby was measuring 6w5d (I was 7w2d on that day) and not to worry about the measuring since it can vary and blob has a good heartbeat.  She gave me my scripts for bloodwork and told me to stay pregnant.

I went for my bloodwork 2 days later and oh.my.gosh...sooooo many vials.  I remembered a lot of vials from my first pregnancy, but I think they upped it a little.  It wasn't bad though, I only got poked once and my vein cooperated.  Called the OB office a few days later and they said my hormones look great and to make an appointment for two weeks from then (they didn't say anything about the rest of the tests, but I will inquire when I go to my appointment).  A couple of days later they called and said that my pap came back normal as well.  So next appointment in on the 25th...not sure if I will get to see blob again or not.

In the meantime, I am keeping myself sane with a doppler sent by one of my amazing friends, Missa (love you!).  I received it on the 12th and tried it that afternoon.  I was 8w4d and thought I might have found it because I was getting a reading of 160bpm, but I wasn't really hearing anything except my heartbeat and a lot of wooshing.  A couple of days later I broke it out again and found the same noise, in the same spot, but didn't get that same 160bpm reading.  I then found the same thing on the other side, so I knew it wasn't blob.  After an hour of searching and prodding I FINALLY found blob!  Very clear and got a reading of 160-170bpm.  Very comforting and amazing.  This past Thursday I tried when I got up in the morning and caught blob for maybe 3-5 seconds.  It was enough to make me smile and breathe a sigh of relief.  Yesterday morning I found blob much more quickly and long enough to get a reading.  Today I found blob, but wasn't able to get a reading.  My manual count matched up with what I've been hearing and I was able to record it on my phone so I can listen to it all day long :)  That brings us to 9w4d and I just hope and pray that the good news keeps coming!

Miracles

I always believed in miracles.  Or I did until I suffered my 2nd loss.  After that I didn't believe in much of anything.  How could I?  Everything was being ripped from beneath my feet...my world was turned upside down.  Then the 3rd loss happened.  Then IVF failed.  Then our FET failed.  What in the world would give me the idea that a miracle could happen?!

When we decided to try on our own again, I fully expected to have another ectopic.  I even calculated in my head that when we had another ectopic, I could possibly start another IVF cycle in December based on the 3 month wait following methotrexate.  I never expected that what has happened would.  I never imagined the day would come that we had a ute baby.  I never imagined that we would go to the doctor today and see a heartbeat.  I never imagined the RE would release me to my OB.  I never imagined I would get to call my OB and tell them I'm pregnant and it's not ectopic.  Yet all of this has happened.  I'm so thankful that it's happened.  I'm thankful for every single moment.  I hope I have 8+ more months of happy moments followed by a lifetime of joy.  It's certainly hard to imagine holding a baby in my arms, but I'm trying.

Here is our little miracle:

UTE BABY!

Yesterday was my first ultrasound which was to see where baby has implanted.  This was an extremely stressful, nerveracking and emotional time.  I certainly felt different from my other pregnancies.  I hadn't had any bleeding and no sharp pinching pains.  I did have occassionaly pains on my right side, so I certainly was not convinced that things would go well.

So I go to my appointment shaking and trying not to have a panic attack.  They bring me in and ask how I'm feeling and go over my history (Dr. K wasn't doing the u/s).  Then the dildo cam is prepped and in it goes.  We see nothing but a black screen...stupid gel created an air pocket.  She fixes it and reinserts and we see it right away!  That beautiful sac!  She says she *thinks* she sees something in it, but it's really really tiny.  She changed the angle a little and measured my little baby!  I can't believe it.  We can't believe it.  I know we're far from out of the woods as far as a healthy take home baby, but I'm basking in this moment.

I would like to introduce you to Baby delino:

Small Victories

Yesterday was my 3rd beta which came back at 439 (up from 204 2 days prior) and progesterone was 12.9.  While these are great numbers and things seem to be progressing like a normal pregnancy, I can't help but feel like I've been down this road before.  The doubling time has slowed from 37 hours to 43 which makes me feel like it's going to slow to a hault and stop growing because it's in my tube.  My 2nd pregnancy I had doubling betas, but they started really low:

16dpo - 8
18dpo - 20, 36 hour doubling (started bleeding this day)
20dpo - 49, 37 hour doubling
24dpo - 362, 33 hour doubling
30dpo - 875, 113 hour doubling

Now to my current pregnancy:

13dpo - 83
15dpo - 204, 37 hour doubling
17dpo - 439, 43 hour doubling

So somewhere around 400 it stopped doubling normally.  Am I doomed to repeat history?  I realize that my betas are much better for where I am as far as dpo especially compared to pg#2 and also the fact that I haven't had a any bleeding.  I should feel optimistic, but I can't.  My rational mind says that I may not be bleeding because of the progesterone.

Either way, I'm scheduled for an u/s on Wednesday the 19th.  I don't quite know how I'm going to not break down into hysterics when they start the u/s.  I've never had a good u/s.  I've never seen my baby and not have it folowed by the doctor telling me it's over.  Here's hoping this time is different.

Still Pregnant!

I really wasn't looking forward to getting betas.  There's so much anxiety surrounding them.  I went for my first beta on Monday and waited very impatiently.  My cell quite seldom rings and it rang 3 times in 20 minutes which was making me jump out of my skin.  Finally Nurse Jackie called with my results.  My HCG was 83 and progesterone was 7.4.  At 13 dpo, the HCG was awesome, but progesterone was a little lower than they'd like so I started supps.  Of course I was still freaking out and every twinge, pull or cramp sent me reeling.  Today was beta #2.  When I went in Jackie said they're drawing the CBC panel in case I need methotrexate.  Or as Jackie said "in case it's growing in the wrong spot".  Finally around 12:45 I got a voicemail (stupid phone didn't ring).  My HCG today was 204 and progesterone was 14!  This was exciting.  Very very exciting.  So I'm still pregnant and I really hope to remain so for 9 months.

Once in a Blue Moon

A quick recap:

Pregnancy #1: Negative HPT, AF arrived next day. A little over a week later started OPK's which were positive for 7 days. HPT came up positive. 1 week later heartbeat found in left tube...baby and tube removed.

Pregnancy #2: No AF and negative HPT's. Bloodwork at 16dpo showed beta of 8. Started bleeding 18dpo. Betas doubled for a week and spotting on and off. Confirmed ectopic at 6 weeks. Treated with methotrexate.

Pregnancy #3: Negative HPT, AF arrived 2 days later on time. 2 weeks later, 4 days of positive opk's led to positive HPT. 1st beta 115, 2nd 76, 3rd 111 and continued to fluctuate for a week. Presumed ectopic treated with methotrexate.

IVF: Transferred 1 embryo. FAIL

FET: Transferred 2 embryos. FAIL

That brings us to the present. We decided to try on our own again. First cycle was a fail. 2nd cycle:

Today's is a little darker. It looks like I'm pregnant. Today is 12 or 14 dpo. AF is due tomorrow or is late. Either way, I haven't had any bleeding. I keep checking for it. I keep having heart palpitations when I use the restroom. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I want to believe that this could be it.

Maybe the blue moon was the magic trick. Once in a blue moon a baby makes it to my ute? I'm not yet convinced.

I haven't gone for a beta yet. I plan to go Monday. All I can do is take it day by day at this point.

Wishing I had Ute Goggles

The beginning of a cycle is filled with hope. Nearing the time of ovulation is filled with anxiety of waiting for that glorious EWCM, timing BD'ing just right and waiting for the temp spike that you thought would never happen. The beginning of the 2ww...back to hope. Then you come to the end of your 2ww. The dreaded time of overanalyzing. Are my boobs sore, was that nausea, am I just tired or am I extra tired, what was that twinge...it's enough to make a sane woman cray cray. I'm nearing the end of a 2ww. I'm not really going crazy, I just hate the waiting. I hate that I'm about to say this because I've heard so many woman say it before and I've just rolled my eyes...I wonder if something else is wrong. In the past year, if we had good timing we got pregnant. Well, we had good timing last month and this month. I know this month isn't over, but I'm not really optimistic. So it makes me wonder...maybe the fertilized egg is actually making it down my tube and just not implanting. I just wish I knew what the heck was going on down there.

Have you seen my angels?

Have you seen my angels? I had them only briefly and then they were gone. I miss them so much and wish I could tell them so. If you see them, please tell them I love them and miss them. Their Papa loves them too and wanted so badly to meet them. I wish I could hold them and kiss them. I know they're safe wherever they may be, but I wish they could come visit us for a while. Even just a short while would be ok. Just long enough for me to hug them and kiss them. So I can look at their faces and burn their images into my memory forever. I'm sure they're the most beautiful angels that ever existed. They probably have their Papa's hair, as well as his lips and nose. Maybe they have my eyes and smile. Oh how fun it would be to have a day with our angels. The memories we would make would surpass any of the best memories I have. Everyone would flock to join our special day. Their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins would be so happy to see them. If you see my angels, can you please tell them I've looked everywhere for them? Tell them that I did everything to find them and bring them home? Tell them I love them more than anything in the world? Let them know that we will be rejoined one day? Please, please tell them for me?

Nobody Gets It

I hate when the tears come.  When I think about talking to people IRL about what we've been through I tear up.  My friends and family want to be here for me, but I have NO interest in talking to them about it.  They don't get it, they don't understand.  So yes, if I need to talk they'll listen.  But all that's going to do is make me cry and crying doesn't help...it makes me feel worse, much worse.  And then they look at me like I'm broken and that makes it even worse.  They're not better than me because they have children or had complication free pregnancies.  Their lives aren't better than mine.  They're not more important than me because they have, or will have, offspring.  I very much dislike pity.  I don't need you to pity me.  You can be sensitive to what I've been through, but don't give me your pity...and don't give me that stupid f'n look like I'm the saddest person on earth. 

Life goes on

Life doesn't stop even after 3 ectopics, a failed IVF and failed frozen transfer.  I have no choice but to look towards the future.  We've decided that we would try on our own and hope for a miracle.  So this was our first month back at it.  Of course hubby got sick, then he got injured at work.  We might have salvaged the cycle, but I'm not getting my hopes up. 

I've endulged in a little retail therapy and am continuing to try to check things off my to-do list around the house.  This weekend brought with it a new fancy printer and a Coach bag.  It also involved throwing out stuff, which felt great!  It feels so cleansing to get rid of crap.

Lastly, I've had numerous recruiters contact me over the past couple of weeks.  One called yesterday and seems like he has quite a few career opportunities for me.  He seems to get what I'm looking for and understand my value.  I have a meeting with him tomorrow, so I'm hoping for some good news.  I'm not getting my hopes up, but it would be nice to have something positive happen in our lives.

Nobody told me life would be this hard

As expected, my beta on Wednesday the 11th was negative.  If I really think about it I start to lose it, but if I push it out of my head I can gain my composure and carry on.  Some would say you have to face your feelings and emotions.  I say shove them deep down inside and pretend like they don't exist.  Slap a smile on your face and make the world think that you're happy as can be.  I did this at work on Wednesday.  I'm kind of thankful that my phone didn't actually ring...a voicemail just popped up.  So I listened to it, deleted it, sent my text messages and sucked back the tears.  Work has been busy, so I'm diving head first into it for the distraction...not because I like work.

Hubby is upset that it has failed as well of course.  He won't show his emotions, but when I started to cry the other night, he covered his face and said he can't take it when I'm sad.

While we could make it work to cycle again, I don't feel comfortable doing it right now.  I've been on the IVF journey since February...5 months of planning and building up my hopes and dreams.  Quite a bit of our hard earned money was spent.  It's a hard pill to swallow.  I know people do this 2, 3, 4 or more times paying OOP.  I just don't think it's something that I can do.  So for now, we will go back to trying naturally knowing it's a high risk of an ectopic.

I think what frustrates me the most about my ectopic risk, is that there's no reason for it.  My tube looked healthy and it's open and clear.  Why won't it just work?!  Why does it get stuck?  It just doesn't make any sense.  Most people that have tubal infertility have blocked or scarred tubes or endometriosis.  I have none of that.

Dr. K had said that my tube could start working one day.  That I could get pregnant on our own.  So for now, that's what we'll try.  In the past we've conceived fairly quickly after our losses, so maybe we will conceive quickly again...or maybe it won't be as easy anymore.  I guess time will tell.

The heartbreak and dissappointment that I feel is not an easy thing to deal with.  Knowing that I'm not at a point in my life where I'm running out of time just yet helps.  I'll be turning 31 in a little over 2 months.  I have time before even IVF wouldn't give me much hope.  So off we go...hoping that we get to be the lucky ones.

Why can't it be me?

Why can't I be the one that gets a BFP 6 days after my transfer?  Why can't I be the one that IVF works on the first try?  Why can't I have IF insurance coverage?

I dread going through another IVF cycle.  What do I do from here?  Do I keep trying naturally hoping and praying that one day I will have a successful pregnancy?  Where do I draw the line?

Another 2 Week Wait

The day after my previous post, the ultrasound confirmed that I ovulated!  They gave me my instructions and informed me that the transfer would be on Thursday, 6/28.  Wednesday I started to freak out about the possibility of having nothing to transfer.  I was pretty much convinced that I would get a call cancelling it.  We made it through Wednesday without a call, so that was one step down.  Thursday morning, I stared at my phone waiting for it to ring to tell me my embabies didn't survive.  Hubby wasn't able to come with me to the transfer and I told him that I was scared.  He tried to comfort me by saying they wouldn't make me come in if that happened.  So on my way to the clinic, I tried to believe that.  I was not convinced that they both would have survived though.  I called hubby as I was getting changed and he said that they wouldn't make me get changed if we didn't have anything to transfer.  I again agreed and put on my highly fashionable and sexy hospital gown, booties and hairnet and proceded to my bed.

I was all settled in by about 9:50 am with my full bladder when the nurse told me my scheduled transfer time was 10:45.  Ugh...did I mention my bladder was full?  I know everyone says the full bladder is the worst part of the transfer and it is soooo true.  I felt like I was going to pee on the doctor.  The same thing had happened with the first transfer and I managed to hold it, so I had faith in myself....lol.

I had asked the nurse if she had any info on my embabies and she told me the doctor would get the info from the embryologist and tell me before the transfer.  I had an RE that I'd never met before, so I wasn't sure what to expect.  She came in and was super nice.  She told me that BOTH embabies survived!   I was shocked to say the least and even asked her about 3 times if they're alive and growing.  The 6 cell went from a grade 2 to a 2-3 and the 5 cell remained a grade 3.  Dr. K told me to inform her that I had 3 ectopics so I did and she gave me the sad face.  She said that with my IVF I just got the wrong side of the coin.

They wheel me into the procedure room, I scoot down the bed and they put the pillow under my butt, apply the gel to my belly and do all the lovely stuff to my vajajay.  The embryologist asks me my name and jokes by asking my favorite color while looking at the paper...haha.  The catheter is loaded, inserted and in goes embabies.  The embryologist checked the catheter and we had a sticky little bugger, so he prepared it again and in went the trouble maker.  The embryologist said that's the one that's going to fight me getting into the mini-van.  The nurse said that it had to be a boy.  As we watched the embaby go in, the doctor said it looked like a shooting star, which made me smile.  We all had a laugh and then I was wheeled back to the room where I laid for a few minutes and then headed home.

So, now I hang out in another 2 week wait.  I'm certainly not feeling overly optimistic, but trying to take it day by day.  I'm not sure if I'm considered 3dp a 3dt or 3dp a 4dt, since we transferred on 4dpo and they were thawed late on 3dpo.  Either way, my beta is scheduled for 7/11.  I'm absolutely terrified of testing, but most likely will before the beta because I will get the call while at work. 

Natural FET Cycle Patience

I am trying to be patient as I wait to ovulate so that we can (hopefully) transfer our 2 frozen embabies.  Today is day 20 of my cycle and my ultrasound this morning showed that it hasn't happened yet.  My follicle measured 22mm and seems to be growing at 1/2mm a day and my lining looks awesome at a 12.  The only time I've ovulated this late was after my 1st ectopic and I attributed that to having HCG lingering in my system.  What I hope is good news is that my temp dropped this morning and I tend to get a pre-O temp dip, but sometimes I get it 2 days before ovulation.  So...I wait and wait and wait.  I have another monitoring tomorrow morning and if it hasn't happened by then, I'll continue to go back until it does.  I've heard of wonkly cycles after a failed IVF, so I'm assuming that's why this is happening.

In non-TTC news...we have an opportunity to pack up our lives and move to North Carolina.  My job is opening an office there so I would have my job and they would help us sell our house, move there and buy a new house.  Our money would go a lot farther than it does here.  We are going back and forth in our heads as to whether or not we could actually go.  When I told my mother, she cried and said she would be devestated if I left.  I would hate to leave my family and I don't know if I could do it, but it's a really amazing opportunity and a really nice area in NC.  Hubby flip flops on the idea as well.  Yesterday and today he's ready to pack up the house and head south, but it's different talking about it vs. actually doing it.

So that's the happenings in my life right now.  It's an exciting time with lots of opportunities and potential. 

Why I dislike June...

Last year at this time I was pregnant.  I was joyful and hopeful.  I was excited to start the next chapter of our lives.  Little did I know that the next chapter would be the hardest one of my life thus far.

June 12, 2011 - First BFP
June 19, 2011 - Announced to family that we're expecting
June 21, 2011 - Found our angel in my tube with a heartbeat.  Tube and baby were removed and my world was shattered
June 2, 2012 - The EDD for our 2nd pregnancy
June 4, 2012 - Received the official news that our first IVF failed

Which leads to the next event in June...our FET.  Just more food for my pessimistic brain.

Moving Forward

As expected, on Monday I received the call from Dr. K that my beta was negative.  I only got slightly teary as I knew it was coming.  I of course had the slightest bit of hope that I would be that miraculous positive beta with negative HPT's that I had been googling for days, but in my heart I knew it wouldn't come to fruition.  Doc said to make an appointment with him to discuss our frozen embies and whether we will transfer 1 or 2.  I called hubby and he was bummed to say the least.  He too was hoping that the test would be positive despite the negative tests at home.  As always, he reassured me that it will happen...that we will get our baby.  His optimism scares me.  I'm more of a realist...I know there's a definite possibility that it might not happen.  I think if we had the means to keep doing IVF until we got our take home baby, I would feel confident...but we don't.  I refuse to break the bank or go into debt to do this and it makes me so mad that this is where we're at.  Some people say that no matter how much debt you go into it will  be worth it.  To do everything possible, but I don't feel comfortable with that. 

So we're moving foward.  We have an appointment with Dr K on Monday to discuss a FET.  I imagine it might be too late to do it this month and therefor will most likely do it in July.  We've discussed putting both in and I feel fairly comfortable with this since one of our two frozen embies aren't of the best quality and because frozen transfers have an even lower chance of working.  In addition, we don't know if they will survive being thawed.  For all I know, we could be all set to trasnfer and my little embies could flop.  If this transfer doesn't bring me a baby, we will figure out when we can do another round.  Maybe in a year, maybe less, maybe never.

I've used the term "I'm numb" in the past, but I don't think I truly knew what that felt like until now.  Now...I'm numb.  I feel next to nothing.  I don't feel pain, I don't feel hope, I don't cry, I fake a smile.  I'm not sure how long I will feel like this.  Everyone around me is pregnant or has 1, 2 or 3 children.  I've been left behind.  I'm broken.  I'm defective.

My Life's Plan

I once had a well laid plan for my life.  Included in that plan was children.  About 8 or 9 years ago I attended a charity event where there was a psychic medium.  This medium told me how I would have 3 children.  I would have a boy, then a girl and then another boy.  I always believed this.  I always thought this WOULD happen.  It's not that I full heartedly believe in psychics, but I believed this one.  This journey has squashed this dream and my plan.

The day after my last entry, I received a call that I would be doing a trasnfer the next day.  This means it would be a day 3 trasfer (3dt).  I later found out that of the 5 fertilized eggs, there were only 4 remaining.  I cried when I received this phone call.  From the beginning, I thought I would have a lot of eggs, have a 5dt and have a lot of frosties.  We went to the clinic for transfer and found out that we had 3 remaining and 2 had been frozen.  I was shocked...first I didn't realize they would freeze on day 3 and second due to the poor and declining numbers, I wasn't expecting any to be frozen.  So we trasnsferred one and we were very hopeful.

I tested out the HCG trigger shot and thought it was out by day 5 after transfer.  On day 6, I took a test and got a faint line!  I was ecstatic.  I couldn't believe it worked.  I was so anxious to get up the next morning and see a darker line.  I had 2 dreams that I got my positive HPT.  I went and took a test when I woke up.....no second line...NONE.  I thought to myself that it was early and my levels could fluctuate.  By the next morning it would surely be positive.  Yet the next day brought another stark white test.  2 days later...the same.  It's looking like it didn't work.  There's always the slightest chance that I will get a positive beta on Monday, but I feel foolish for even considering it a possibility.

I feel blessed to have the frozen embies, but the financial burden is a lot and the emotional burden is unbearable.  At this point, I just want to get my beta done so that I can stop the progesterone and get AF since continuing the meds feels like a mind f*ck.

Today is the EDD for our second pregnancy.  The pregnancy that I thought was meant to be and could not go wrong.  I'm not one to get overly emotional about EDD's.  The month of June is a hard one though and is only getting harder.  Let's review the dates....6/2 EDD, 6/4 will be my BFN beta, 6/12 was when we got our very first BFP last year, 6/21 was the day we found our babies heartbeat in my tube and had emergency surgery.  Yea...that's a whole bunch of suckiness.

So now I question my life's plan.  What will come of it?  Will we have even 1 child?  How will I handle this?  Will I let it ruin me?  Will it ruin my friendships?  Could it hurt my marriage? 

So much has happened

I realize it's been a little while since I've written.  So much has happened and the time has flown by.  I started stims on 5/7.  My baseline that morning showed no cysts, but they said my lining was a little thick so I thought I would get pushed out a day.  I was shocked when I got the call to start.  I was on 150 Gonal-F and 1 vial of Menopur.  The first night went really smooth and it didn't hurt.  The second night I got a little messed up when hubby was observing and apparently the needle wasn't screwed on all the way and I lost a bit of meds.  After that I had it down to a science.

My first monitoring was on 5/11 and they said my lining looked good and I had 4 follies around 8mm and 5 less than 8.  Sunday, 5/13 was my next appointment.  At that time I had 5 that were over 8mm.  I was told to start Ganirelix that evening and return on Tuesday.  The next appointment had 8 over 8mm and  a few smaller ones.  I was a bit dissappointed as I was hoping for a lot of follies.  I returned the next day and they grew with the largest being 22 and the smallest measured being 10.5, still a total of 8.  I was told I probably wouldn't trigger that night, which bummed me out somemore as I was hoping to trigger Wednesday evening for a Friday retrieval.  But I had to do what was best for my eggs.  Thursday was the final follie check.  My lining looked fantastic and I had 12 follies with 4 most likely not mature enough and 8 decent sized ones.  Hubby gave me the HCG trigger shot on Thursday night at 10:45pm.  He was so nervous and shaking, but I talked him through it and he did great!

Friday morning we arrived at the clinic at 8:15 with specimen in tow.  I was fairly nervous.  I knew we didn't have a huge amount of follies so I was scared of not having many eggs.  I knew that not all would be mature and not all would fertilize.  Hubby did his best to calm my nerves, telling me that it was going to be great.  I have to say, he's been my rock through this past year.

I was taken into pre-op aroung 8:30, changed into a gown.  They wrapped me in a heated blanket which was so nice.  Took my vitals where my pulse was 115...I guess I was nervous.  I was brought into the operating room at around 9:15 and quickly sedated.  Before I knew it I was in recovery.  Hubby came in and I was a little groggy, but felt good.  They told me they got 8 eggs.  I was pleased with this as I was expecting about 7.  A little while later, I was released and off to the couch I went.  Post procedure I had some cramping and it was uncomfortable to go to the bathroom, but overall I felt good.

This morning we were so anxious to get our fertilization report.  It was the longest morning ever.  The phone rang a little after 10 am.  Nurse Jackie was on the other end and told me that of the 8...6 were mature and 5 fertilized.  I was happy with this, but as time is passing I'm getting scared.  I'm scared that they will start dropping like flies after today.  I was hoping for a 5DT and will know tomorrow for sure which we will be doing.  Please keep growing little embies....PLEASE.

This whole process has been crazy and stressful and a long rollercoaster of emotions.  I'm just hoping and praying for a happy ending.

Getting Close!

Just two short days from today I will be going for my baseline testing.  Hopefully we will get the thumbs up to start stims that evening and I'm really hoping that I stay on track with the calendar my nurse laid out.  My ER is estimated to be on Friday 5/18 and I have an important meeting on the 17th.  I will have a talk with my boss this week to see what our backup plan is for if I get moved up a day.  I'm sure it will be fine.  He knows that I'm doing this, but he doesn't know the dates.  I will lay everything out for him and tell him how it's expected to go.  I'm lucky to be able to be flexible with my hours when needed.  It's never a problem to take time off....well as long as there's a good reason, which this is.

In other news, we've been waiting on the edge of our seats for the results of hubby's semen analysis.  He went in on 4/25 and they told us that the results would be back in a week and then my doctor has to review them.  My nurse said to call on the 3rd for the results.  I did this and was told that he hadn't reviewed them and won't be back in the office until Monday.  We were so upset that we had to wait another 4 days.  Hubby said to me that he will be really upset if he's the problem.  I told him that he's most likely normal since he got me pregnant 3 times.  Then I said that we already know that I'm the one with the issue and all of this is my fault.  He assured me that he doesn't think of it that way in the least.  I love that he tries to make me feel better, but it's just a fact that I'm the defective one.  So anyway, I get a call this morning and when I answered the phone it was my Dr.  My heart jumped in my throat and I was prepared for bad news.  Afterall, it had to be bad for him to call me on a Saturday.  He said his results were totally NORMAL!  Hubby was so so happy.  He started asking what the numbers were and if it was high.  I laughed and said I didn't ask, but it didn't matter.  I will be asking my nurse for the specifics on Monday though.

I've filled my Mom and MIL in on the fact that we're starting IVF.  They don't have specific dates, but they are aware.  I figured it would be best to let them know.  I may need their support and I know that they're willing to help in any way they can. 

Mother's Day is next weekend and I'm pretty bummed that I should either have a baby in my arms, be about to pop or be growing a baby in my belly.  I don't plan to bring up the fact that I beleive I am a mother, but I will celebrate my own motherhood.  Afterall, I was the best mom I could be to my angels.  The moment I knew of them, I cared for them the best that I could.  I would have done anything to save them and miss them terribly.

Anxious and scared

2 weeks from tomorrow I officially start stims.  I'm so scared.  I've been scared all along, but the excitement was kind of overriding it.  This weekend I've spent more than an acceptable amount of time googling what the chances are of having this end in another ectopic.  While the chance is significantly less than me trying on my own, it's still higher than for a normal person.  I was also trying to find a name for my malfunctioning tubes.  Like a disease name...besides just saying my tubes don't work.  I have a hard time accepting this even after everything I've been through.  But how can they just not work?  They are open, they look healthy...WTF?!  It's not fair!  I hate pity parties, but I guess that's what I'm throwing for myself this weekend.  What if this doesn't work?  What if I don't stim well?  What if my eggs are crap?  What if my embies don't make it?  What if .....?

Only 3 more weeks to go!

Three short weeks from Monday I am to start my stims.  I can't believe how quickly and yet slowly the time is going.  DH still hasn't done his SA.  Not because he's being difficult, but because the appointment times aren't accomodating.  But if he really wanted to do it, he would make it happen.  I know the next 3 weeks will go quickly and I don't need to be waiting until the last minute to get it done.  So...I'm frustrated and I knew from the beginning that this would be the hardest part of the IVF checklist.

My update for the week:
I had been trying to get in touch with the billing department at the clinic to get a clear answer on the funds that I need to come up with before starting the cycle.  I left two messages last week and nurse Jackie sent an email for them to call me.  Finally on Wednesday I received a phonecall...unfortunately I was in a meeting and she was gone by the time I got out.  The message she left said that she got my message saying that I wanted to pay for my IVF...ummmm...no.  I called her back on Thursday and got through to her.  I asked her about single embryo transfer (SET) and ICSI.  I am choosing to do SET because I feel like it's too likely that both implant if we put 2 back.  The paperwork I have said that I don't have to pay for freezing if I choose SET and since Dr. K said we won't need ICSI (most likely) I wanted to make sure that I only have to pay the IVF fee and the anasthesia.  Well, she wasn't sure because she said I was the first person to do a SET.  I was shocked to hear this.  Am I really the only person that feels it's better to start with one?  Either way I feel that it's best for us.  She finally called back and said that I don't have to pay for freezing or ICSI!  If I wind up needing ICSI, we will be billed for it.  This is HUGE!  In addition, if this cycle doesn't work and assuming that I have frosties, they offer up to 3 frozen cycles for the price of one for the first year or until I get my take home baby (or use up my frosties).  At first I was really excited about this, but it's changed to fear.  What if this fails and I have NO frosties?!  I try to not be so negative, but I also can't let myself get too excited.

In addition to all of this, I received a letter in the mail yesterday saying that my homocysteine level is slightly higher than they'd like it to be.  Normal is less than 10, but they want it less than 7.  Mine was 7.8.  So I have to start extra folic acid and vitamins B12 and B6.  Yay...more pills!  I have to ask Jackie if I was tested for MTHFR, but I also want to make sure that I trust my doctor.  I don't want to be questioning them, but if I feel that something else needs to be tested, I will inquire.

I am incredibly grateful that things seem to be moving smoothly.  The donated meds, the state grant, the options for SET, tests have come back normal.  I just hope that it continues to go well.  I'm also incredibly grateful for the friends that I've made through this process.  I hope and pray that we all get what our hearts desire and we can truly be happy.  I'm so tired of hurting and seeing people hurt.

Whirlwind of a week

This was a successful and yet crazy week.  I am so thankful that it's Friday and we got out of work early.  I am now sitting on my couch in complete quiet with just some birds chirping outside and the tapping of my keyboard as I write this.

Monday was the dreaded socialworker meeting.  I had this appointment built up in my mind to go so horribly.  I convinced myself that she would be prying and trying to push us to our breaking points.  That we would leave there hating eachother, cancelling IVF and questioning our future.  I have no reason to think this.  Hubby and I have a loving, strong and stable relationship.  It's not perfect, but pretty darn close.  So I was terrified all day on Monday where I was almost sick.  In the end....it was fine.  She asked us about our infertility history as well as our life history.  She had suffered IF and now has three childre, so she was very understanding.  She was also a little pushy in that she was insisting that we do something to honor our lost babies.  I understand suggesting it, but she kept telling us that we had to.  Overall it was a really good experience and I think it changed hubby's tune a little bit.  Since then he's been asking questions and been more optimistic and interested.

Tuesday morning I went for bloodwork to confirm I'm not pregnant.  This was annoying since I had the test the prior week and have been on BCP's, but I had to do it so I did it.  That evening was the orientation.  I left with some useful information and a whole bunch of questions which were mostly related to billing.  It was weird to be in a room of people all going through the same thing.  I wanted to go around the room and ask people what was wrong with them and what protocol they were doing and all the questions I ask to the IVF ladies I talk to.  But I guess that's a no-no.  In an effort to get my billing questions answered, I called the billing department on Wednesday.  I haven't heard back from them and even called again today.  I'm getting frustrated.  I can get ahold of doctors and nurses, but not billing?  Oh well...I'll wait and call again if I don't hear back.

Thursday I had my SHG (water sono).  I wasn't too nervous about it until I was getting ready to go in when I had this thought that there has to be something wrong.  That's why I've had ectopics!  There's something wrong with my uterus makin the embryo float back up my tube desperate to implant.  So I was convinced of this.  I went in and got set up and they began.  I felt pretty much nothing during the procedure until they inflated my uterus fully.  I asked some questions while they were doing it as far as if my E2 level of 52.5 was a concern since at orientation they said they want it between 20-50.  They confirmed that it's fine.  Back to the SHG....at one point she said she sees the endometrium and I say "you see endometriosis?!"  she said no, endometrium.  Then the magical words....."Looks good!".  I was so excited.  Nurse Jackie gave me the remainder of my meds as I was leaving.  I am still in shock and awe that she was able to gather everything I needed and I haven't paid a dime.  I hope one day I can pay forward these wonderful gifts I have received.

So that was my week in IVF land.  Hubby was all ready to do his SA today, but it looks like they don't do those appointments until later in the morning and we couldn't go in late today.  I was bummed because it would have been great to have ALL the testing done.  This is the only item left on my checklist and I have 4 weeks until I start stims!

Things seem to be moving quickly now

Monday was CD1 so I made that awkward call to tell my nurse that I got my period.  It's so weird to me that people want to know when I get my period and doing an u/s while bleeding is normal. 

Wednesday I went in for CD3 bloodwork to test my FSH and E2 as well as to confirm that I'm not pregnant before starting birth control.  I sat down with nurse Jackie and she went over my official calendar, all of my prescriptions and what the next steps were.  It's so overwhelming, but I guess I'm going to have to get the hang of it.  My calendar has me starting the pill today and going through the end of April.  I will start my stims on 5/7 and ER is tentatively 5/18 with ET 5/21.  Jackie told me that my RE made a comment that he really likes me because I really know what's going on.  She said he never makes comments like that.  For me, I figure I'm spending all this time and money on this I should know what I'm getting in to and learn as much as possible.  It was nice to get that feedback.

My FSH came back at 8.2 and E2 was 52.3.  While they are totally normal numbers (I confirmed this with Jackie today), I was expecting them to be lower.  Normal FSH is under 10 and E2 they like to see under 75.  So, yes they are normal, but I like to be as far away from 'not normal' as possible.

I started my birth control this morning and they made me nauseous so I will try to take them at night starting tomorrow.  I hope I don't have any crazy reactions to any of the medications, both BCP and stims.  I started watching Youtube videos of mixing the injections and it seems to be pretty straightfoward, but I'm still having a hard time with the concept of sticking myself with needles.  Everyone says that it's not as bad as they thought it would be so here's hoping I say the same!

Next week is a big week.  We have a meeting with the social worker on Monday, Tuesday I go for bloodwork in the morning and then orientation at night and then Thursday is the water sonogram.  After that we just have to get hubby's SA done and then we're in the clear until stims.  I know he's not looking forward to it and I don't blaim him.  He knows he will have to provide his stuff the morning of the ER too and hasn't expressed a concern about it, but I'm worried...what if he's not able to perform?  I guess I have to have faith and try to relax a bit.

Hubby had a freak out the other night saying that he's not ready to be a father and thought we were taking time off before doing this.  Apparently we both have completely different memories of our initial IVF conversation.  I had suggested taking time off and he said that we should just go for it.  Somehow, he doesn't remember saying this.  Well after a long conversation and a whole bunch of tears, he's on board.  I know he still questions everything and is scared, but so am I.  In the end I know it's what I want and I know it will work, but it's terrifying.

Hoping Dreams Come True

I had a dream last night that I was pregnant.  I remember seeing my little peanut on an ultrasound and knowing that it had a heartbeat and, more importantly, was in the right spot!  I was trying to find the heartbeat on a doppler, but it wasn't working.  I wasn't shaken by this because I knew it was too early.  This dream really put a smile on my face...let's hope it comes true!

I'm trying greatly to keep my expectations in-check for this whole IVF process.  I know that so many things can go wrong, but I'm also trying not to focus too much on these things.  I need to keep my mind somewhere in between being convinced it will work and being convinced it will fail.  I don't know what that middle is other than alternating days between the two.

AF should be here tomorrow.  That means that I will go in for my CD3 bloodwork, start BCP's and get my official IVF calendar.  I think things will go really quickly after that.  I have orientation on 4/3 and we have to schedule an appointment with a socialworker.  Hubby also needs to get his bloodwork, which he has an appointment on Monday, and get a SA.  He's not looking forward to that, and I don't blaim him.  This whole thing is just awkward and I can't wait for people to stop poking at my Hoo-Haa and I will not miss getting poked with needles constantly either.  I feel like I have track marks on my arms.  This better all be worth it!

Spring is here

Even though it's not officially Spring and the calendar is still on March, it's about 60 degrees outside so I jumped right into my garden.  Gardening is one of the things that I most looked forward to about having a home.  I love flowers (hence my blog name) and growing them myself makes me appreciate them even more.  I guess that's how I look at children too.  I can imagine how much I will love that child that I grew myself. 

When we purchased our home there were massive amounts of massive bushes.  Before moving in hubby cut down a few big ones in front which gave me some space to start my garden.  The first Summer, I cut down the giant bushes lining our patio (about 10 overgrown evergreen bushes) along with some smaller ones remaining in the front.  Last Spring I cut down the bushes on the side of my house, there were about 4, which were all almost as tall as me and just ridiculously overgrown.  Overgrown shrubbery was not what attracted me to the house, but seemed to be the theme of our landscaping.  So yesterday I cut down the remaining massive bushes in front of the house and today I dug up 4 of the 7 rootballs.  I have no energy left for the remaining 3, so they can wait until next weekend.  I'm so proud of the work I've done as well as the garden that I've created with the space from the bushes and after this weekends work, I have a ton of more space to fill in with beautiful flowers.

So of course my thoughts go to my TTC journey and I realize it's a good thing I get the rough work out of the way now since come May I will be KTFU and won't be able to do this kind of hard labor.  Yep, that's positive thinking right there!  Hopefully after my IVF, the only hard labor will be in the hospital delivering my LO in February.  Which I hope that isn't too too hard.

Looks like I'm starting a blog!

I've started this blog mostly to serve as an outlet for me to get my feelings out about our trying to conceive journey.  This being my first post, it will probably be a long one.

I will start with my background.  I met my husband when I was 18 and he was 22.  We were young and he liked to party and hang out with his friends.  We had a rough start as I was competing for his time and attention.  Our relationship slowly evolved and we became a strong and loving couple that made many envious.  After graduating college in 2003, I started my career as an accountant and he continued his work as a plumber.  We were engaged in 2005 and married in 2007.  I was 25 when we got married and my husband was 29.  We were never focused on having children.  I could take it or leave it and he wasn't sure if he would ever want them.  As the years passed, my mommy itch started acting up.  I had time, and said that I wanted to have a child by the time I was 30.  As 30 crept closer, I changed it that I wanted to be pregnant by the time I was 30.  People all around me started having children and that started to really make me start thinking about babies.  At the time we were living in a one bedroom basement apartment.  The next step for me was to buy a house, which we did in 2009.  This was a major change...big responsibility.  But we did it and we had our first home.  So we are settled into our 4 bedroom house.  I have 3 empty bedrooms just aching to be filled and yet alas, they continue to be empty. 

November of 2010 my period was late and I thought for sure I was pregnant.  I told my friend and she encouraged me to purchase an HPT, she even came with to the store for support.  I walked into my house with the bag in my hand and told my husband that I'm late.  I took the test and it was negative.  I was heartbroken, but it made us start to think more seriously about baby making.  In May 2011, I was late again.  I told my husband and then got my period the next day.  He sent me a text message saying that he thought about it and we should start trying harder.  I was so excited that he really wanted to try...like really try!  So off to the store I went to get ovulation tests and pregnancy tests...all digitals...afterall I didn't want to have to play around with lines.  I took my first OPK on Monday June 6th and got  smiley face right away (positive).  I was shocked and told my husband.  Over the next couple of days I had some spotting, which I never had in the middle of my cycle.  But that was easily explained based on Dr. Google, you can have ovulation spotting and that means you're super fertile.  I continued to test and every day I kept getting a smiley face until I used up the 7 tests that came in the pack.  I purchased some line tests thinking that maybe the digitals were wrong, but those were positive as well.  After looking online I found that an OPK can be positive for a pregnancy so on Saturday, June12th I decided to take an HPT only to get that thought out of my head.  Well, the digital popped up pregnant right away.  I was so nervous and when my husband came home I told him and started crying.  He said not to cry...this is what we were trying for, but he just kinda plopped on the couch and didn't show much of a reaction.  He was in shock as was I.  I tested again later that day and the following morning and then called my doctor.  We started to get excited about having a baby.  I did think it was early to get a positive test since the earliest we could have conceived was 6 or 7 days prior.  So I told hubby that it could be from last month.  I went to the doctor and told her that I got postive HPT's, but had a period only a little over two weeks ago and had some spotting which had subsided.  She said that many people have bleeding in early pregnancy and not to be concerned.   I went for bloodwork and an ultrasound which showed nothing, but the bloodwork confirmed I was pregnant!  My HCG was at 4,553.  Repeat HCG showed normal doubling, but ultrasound still showed nothing.  After another blood draw, I was put on progesterone suppositories as my progesterone dropped a little.  They said they were concerned about not seeing anything on the ultrasound and my low progesterone, but I just thought they were overreacting.  That Sunday was Father's day and we told everyone that we were expecting.  My mom cried and everyone was excited.  Monday I had more bloodwork done and went in for another ultrasound.  My HCG was just under 15000 and the ultrasound showed nothing.  I was sent to a high risk doctor and my husband showed up just as they started the ultrasound.  So she starts and I see her marking things such as ovary, uterus and then she puts 'YS' and I think yolk sac?  She turns on the sound and we hear "swoosh swoosh swoosh swoosh".  Then she stops and asks if the doctor explained why I was here.  I said that I'm there because they didn't see anything on the ultrasound and she asked if the doctor explained what that meant.  I replied that it could be ectopic and she looks at me with a sad face and shakes her head.  Me: You found the baby, Her: shakes head yes, Me: It's in my tube, Her:shakes head yes.  The doctor comes in and tells me that they have to do an internal ultrasound to confirm the findings.  After that she says they confirmed the baby is in my tube and due to the size and the fact that it has a heartbeat, I need emergency surgery and I need to stop moving as I could rupture at any moment.  I am hysterical crying so much so that she was trying to get me to stop because I was shaking too much.  So I had surgery and my left tube was removed.  I was out of work for almost two weeks to heal physically and emotionally, but the emotional healing never really came.  While out of work, my friend came by and after talking she disclosed that she was pregnant and we were only 3 days apart.  She had her 7 week ultrasound which showed a healthy heartbeat.  I of course lost it, but held it together until she left.  My doctor says that I now have an increased risk of ectopic and should hold off for a cycle or two before trying again.

September rolls around and I've gone full force with baby making protocol.  I take my temperature every morning, pee on sticks or in cups, I have become more familiar with my body then I ever thought I would have.  Based on all the information, I knew that I was late for my period, but I had negative tests.  Finally I called my doctor and he said to come in.  I was sent for bloodwork and it showed my HCG was at 8.  This is considered pregnant, so I was to continue with repeat bloodwork.  We found this out on my 30th birthday.  I thought there was no possible way that this could go wrong.  It had to be meant to be.  Afterall, this baby was most likely conceived on our anniversary and I found out I was pregnant on my 30th birthday! I started spotting the next day which turned into regular bleed the day after that.  I thought it was a chemical pregnancy, but my beta continued to double and my progesterone continued to increase.  I thought that maybe it would all work out, but as soon as the bleeding stopped, it would start again in the form of spotting.  The doctors were convinced this was a normal pregnancy based on my betas.  The bleeding became a little heavier one day so I called the doctor and they said to go to the emergency room.  It was almost a week from my last beta which was 362 and when they told me my beta in the hospital was only 875 and they saw a mass by my ovary we knew it was over.  They said the mass could be a corpus leutem cyst and I remained hopeful.  They made me stay in the hospital (trust me I tried and tried to go home) and in the morning we did more bloodwork and another ultrasound.  My beta remained exactly the same and I was sent to the high risk doctor again.  They once again confirmed an ectopic and recommended being treated medically with methotrexate (a form of chemotherapy).  Again, they wouldn't let me go home.  My husband, mom and friend were at the hospital with me to hold my hand and comfort me.  I couldn't believe it was happening again.  Because of the methotrexate I was put on a mandatory 12 week wait to try again and my doctor and the high risk doctor said that I should persue IVF as I am now at a 30% chance of another ectopic.

In December I made an appointment with an RE.  We discussed my history and he said that he recommended doing an HSG to see if my tube was open or not and that it was up to us if we wanted to try again naturally.  I did research and in many cases people get pregnant after the HSG because the test dilates the tube.  My husband was convinced that it was going to fix me and everything would be fine.  On January 4th the test showed my tube was open!  My RE said to call him if I wasn't pregnant in 6 months and to call immediately if I become pregnant.

January 21st my mom called to tell me that my grandmother passed away.  This was the last living grandparent in mine and my husband's families.  I had taken a pregnancy test that morning and it was negative and I didn't feel like testing until after the funeral because if it was negative I would be upset and if it was positive I didn't want to be happy when I was grieving.  January 24th we buried my loving grandmother...may she rest in peace.  After the funeral I noticed I was spotting.  We went for a walk and when we got home I had a full blown period.  I cried and cried and cried.  What a horrible day it was.  My husband apologized for our bad timing and tried very hard to cheer me up.

So we moved on to another cycle and I started OPK's when I returned from a work trip.  After 4 days of positives  I was getting nervous about a repeat ectopic, but my temperatures didn't indicate a pregnancy so I didn't believe it.  When I was urged to take a test by a friend, I did and it was positive.  I told my husband that it had to be ectopic.  The line was light and I had a regular period.  I would have been 6 weeks, so the test line should have been super dark.  I went to the RE the next day and they drew blood and did an ultrasound which they didn't see anything.  I was so hopeful that I would go in and see a baby on the monitor.  My HCG came back at 115...nowhere near what a 6 week HCG should be.  We repeated it the next day and it was at 76 so we thought my body was doing the right thing for once.  We also thought that it could have been in my uterus and was a miscarriage.  Not that this would be better per se, but the fact of it making it to my uterus would have been HUGE.  Another repeat beta came back around 100 and my level was fluctuating around there for the next few days.  They wanted me to get the methotrexate, but I was pushing them off for as long as possible hoping that it would dissipate on it's own.  It didn't so I was treated with the methotrexate on February 16th (the anniversary of my grandfather's passing).

So now we are moving on to IVF.  It's sort of funny, we once had a conversation that we would never do IVF.  If we weren't meant to have kids, then we would live child-free.  Well, I guess things have changed a bit because I have two boxes of hormones and needles in my fridge.  I'm nervous on so many levels.  I'm scared of my husband deciding he doesn't want to do it.  I'm afraid of shooting myself up with needles and becoming a raging hormonal beotch.  I'm absolutely terrified of this not working, being out a lot of money and have nothing to show for it.  I'm even scared of it working and then being a bad mom or it being too much on our marriage.

Well that's my looooong story in a not so summarized version.  I plan to use this blog to document my IVF journey and hope that it will help me get my feelings out and deal with them.