Miracles

I always believed in miracles.  Or I did until I suffered my 2nd loss.  After that I didn't believe in much of anything.  How could I?  Everything was being ripped from beneath my feet...my world was turned upside down.  Then the 3rd loss happened.  Then IVF failed.  Then our FET failed.  What in the world would give me the idea that a miracle could happen?!

When we decided to try on our own again, I fully expected to have another ectopic.  I even calculated in my head that when we had another ectopic, I could possibly start another IVF cycle in December based on the 3 month wait following methotrexate.  I never expected that what has happened would.  I never imagined the day would come that we had a ute baby.  I never imagined that we would go to the doctor today and see a heartbeat.  I never imagined the RE would release me to my OB.  I never imagined I would get to call my OB and tell them I'm pregnant and it's not ectopic.  Yet all of this has happened.  I'm so thankful that it's happened.  I'm thankful for every single moment.  I hope I have 8+ more months of happy moments followed by a lifetime of joy.  It's certainly hard to imagine holding a baby in my arms, but I'm trying.

Here is our little miracle:

UTE BABY!

Yesterday was my first ultrasound which was to see where baby has implanted.  This was an extremely stressful, nerveracking and emotional time.  I certainly felt different from my other pregnancies.  I hadn't had any bleeding and no sharp pinching pains.  I did have occassionaly pains on my right side, so I certainly was not convinced that things would go well.

So I go to my appointment shaking and trying not to have a panic attack.  They bring me in and ask how I'm feeling and go over my history (Dr. K wasn't doing the u/s).  Then the dildo cam is prepped and in it goes.  We see nothing but a black screen...stupid gel created an air pocket.  She fixes it and reinserts and we see it right away!  That beautiful sac!  She says she *thinks* she sees something in it, but it's really really tiny.  She changed the angle a little and measured my little baby!  I can't believe it.  We can't believe it.  I know we're far from out of the woods as far as a healthy take home baby, but I'm basking in this moment.

I would like to introduce you to Baby delino:

Small Victories

Yesterday was my 3rd beta which came back at 439 (up from 204 2 days prior) and progesterone was 12.9.  While these are great numbers and things seem to be progressing like a normal pregnancy, I can't help but feel like I've been down this road before.  The doubling time has slowed from 37 hours to 43 which makes me feel like it's going to slow to a hault and stop growing because it's in my tube.  My 2nd pregnancy I had doubling betas, but they started really low:

16dpo - 8
18dpo - 20, 36 hour doubling (started bleeding this day)
20dpo - 49, 37 hour doubling
24dpo - 362, 33 hour doubling
30dpo - 875, 113 hour doubling

Now to my current pregnancy:

13dpo - 83
15dpo - 204, 37 hour doubling
17dpo - 439, 43 hour doubling

So somewhere around 400 it stopped doubling normally.  Am I doomed to repeat history?  I realize that my betas are much better for where I am as far as dpo especially compared to pg#2 and also the fact that I haven't had a any bleeding.  I should feel optimistic, but I can't.  My rational mind says that I may not be bleeding because of the progesterone.

Either way, I'm scheduled for an u/s on Wednesday the 19th.  I don't quite know how I'm going to not break down into hysterics when they start the u/s.  I've never had a good u/s.  I've never seen my baby and not have it folowed by the doctor telling me it's over.  Here's hoping this time is different.

Still Pregnant!

I really wasn't looking forward to getting betas.  There's so much anxiety surrounding them.  I went for my first beta on Monday and waited very impatiently.  My cell quite seldom rings and it rang 3 times in 20 minutes which was making me jump out of my skin.  Finally Nurse Jackie called with my results.  My HCG was 83 and progesterone was 7.4.  At 13 dpo, the HCG was awesome, but progesterone was a little lower than they'd like so I started supps.  Of course I was still freaking out and every twinge, pull or cramp sent me reeling.  Today was beta #2.  When I went in Jackie said they're drawing the CBC panel in case I need methotrexate.  Or as Jackie said "in case it's growing in the wrong spot".  Finally around 12:45 I got a voicemail (stupid phone didn't ring).  My HCG today was 204 and progesterone was 14!  This was exciting.  Very very exciting.  So I'm still pregnant and I really hope to remain so for 9 months.

Once in a Blue Moon

A quick recap:

Pregnancy #1: Negative HPT, AF arrived next day. A little over a week later started OPK's which were positive for 7 days. HPT came up positive. 1 week later heartbeat found in left tube...baby and tube removed.

Pregnancy #2: No AF and negative HPT's. Bloodwork at 16dpo showed beta of 8. Started bleeding 18dpo. Betas doubled for a week and spotting on and off. Confirmed ectopic at 6 weeks. Treated with methotrexate.

Pregnancy #3: Negative HPT, AF arrived 2 days later on time. 2 weeks later, 4 days of positive opk's led to positive HPT. 1st beta 115, 2nd 76, 3rd 111 and continued to fluctuate for a week. Presumed ectopic treated with methotrexate.

IVF: Transferred 1 embryo. FAIL

FET: Transferred 2 embryos. FAIL

That brings us to the present. We decided to try on our own again. First cycle was a fail. 2nd cycle:

Today's is a little darker. It looks like I'm pregnant. Today is 12 or 14 dpo. AF is due tomorrow or is late. Either way, I haven't had any bleeding. I keep checking for it. I keep having heart palpitations when I use the restroom. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I want to believe that this could be it.

Maybe the blue moon was the magic trick. Once in a blue moon a baby makes it to my ute? I'm not yet convinced.

I haven't gone for a beta yet. I plan to go Monday. All I can do is take it day by day at this point.

Wishing I had Ute Goggles

The beginning of a cycle is filled with hope. Nearing the time of ovulation is filled with anxiety of waiting for that glorious EWCM, timing BD'ing just right and waiting for the temp spike that you thought would never happen. The beginning of the 2ww...back to hope. Then you come to the end of your 2ww. The dreaded time of overanalyzing. Are my boobs sore, was that nausea, am I just tired or am I extra tired, what was that twinge...it's enough to make a sane woman cray cray. I'm nearing the end of a 2ww. I'm not really going crazy, I just hate the waiting. I hate that I'm about to say this because I've heard so many woman say it before and I've just rolled my eyes...I wonder if something else is wrong. In the past year, if we had good timing we got pregnant. Well, we had good timing last month and this month. I know this month isn't over, but I'm not really optimistic. So it makes me wonder...maybe the fertilized egg is actually making it down my tube and just not implanting. I just wish I knew what the heck was going on down there.