Moving Forward

As expected, on Monday I received the call from Dr. K that my beta was negative.  I only got slightly teary as I knew it was coming.  I of course had the slightest bit of hope that I would be that miraculous positive beta with negative HPT's that I had been googling for days, but in my heart I knew it wouldn't come to fruition.  Doc said to make an appointment with him to discuss our frozen embies and whether we will transfer 1 or 2.  I called hubby and he was bummed to say the least.  He too was hoping that the test would be positive despite the negative tests at home.  As always, he reassured me that it will happen...that we will get our baby.  His optimism scares me.  I'm more of a realist...I know there's a definite possibility that it might not happen.  I think if we had the means to keep doing IVF until we got our take home baby, I would feel confident...but we don't.  I refuse to break the bank or go into debt to do this and it makes me so mad that this is where we're at.  Some people say that no matter how much debt you go into it will  be worth it.  To do everything possible, but I don't feel comfortable with that. 

So we're moving foward.  We have an appointment with Dr K on Monday to discuss a FET.  I imagine it might be too late to do it this month and therefor will most likely do it in July.  We've discussed putting both in and I feel fairly comfortable with this since one of our two frozen embies aren't of the best quality and because frozen transfers have an even lower chance of working.  In addition, we don't know if they will survive being thawed.  For all I know, we could be all set to trasnfer and my little embies could flop.  If this transfer doesn't bring me a baby, we will figure out when we can do another round.  Maybe in a year, maybe less, maybe never.

I've used the term "I'm numb" in the past, but I don't think I truly knew what that felt like until now.  Now...I'm numb.  I feel next to nothing.  I don't feel pain, I don't feel hope, I don't cry, I fake a smile.  I'm not sure how long I will feel like this.  Everyone around me is pregnant or has 1, 2 or 3 children.  I've been left behind.  I'm broken.  I'm defective.