I am trying to be patient as I wait to ovulate so that we can (hopefully) transfer our 2 frozen embabies. Today is day 20 of my cycle and my ultrasound this morning showed that it hasn't happened yet. My follicle measured 22mm and seems to be growing at 1/2mm a day and my lining looks awesome at a 12. The only time I've ovulated this late was after my 1st ectopic and I attributed that to having HCG lingering in my system. What I hope is good news is that my temp dropped this morning and I tend to get a pre-O temp dip, but sometimes I get it 2 days before ovulation. So...I wait and wait and wait. I have another monitoring tomorrow morning and if it hasn't happened by then, I'll continue to go back until it does. I've heard of wonkly cycles after a failed IVF, so I'm assuming that's why this is happening.
In non-TTC news...we have an opportunity to pack up our lives and move to North Carolina. My job is opening an office there so I would have my job and they would help us sell our house, move there and buy a new house. Our money would go a lot farther than it does here. We are going back and forth in our heads as to whether or not we could actually go. When I told my mother, she cried and said she would be devestated if I left. I would hate to leave my family and I don't know if I could do it, but it's a really amazing opportunity and a really nice area in NC. Hubby flip flops on the idea as well. Yesterday and today he's ready to pack up the house and head south, but it's different talking about it vs. actually doing it.
So that's the happenings in my life right now. It's an exciting time with lots of opportunities and potential.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Friday, June 15, 2012
Why I dislike June...
Last year at this time I was pregnant. I was joyful and hopeful. I was excited to start the next chapter of our lives. Little did I know that the next chapter would be the hardest one of my life thus far.
June 12, 2011 - First BFP
June 19, 2011 - Announced to family that we're expecting
June 21, 2011 - Found our angel in my tube with a heartbeat. Tube and baby were removed and my world was shattered
June 2, 2012 - The EDD for our 2nd pregnancy
June 4, 2012 - Received the official news that our first IVF failed
Which leads to the next event in June...our FET. Just more food for my pessimistic brain.
June 12, 2011 - First BFP
June 19, 2011 - Announced to family that we're expecting
June 21, 2011 - Found our angel in my tube with a heartbeat. Tube and baby were removed and my world was shattered
June 2, 2012 - The EDD for our 2nd pregnancy
June 4, 2012 - Received the official news that our first IVF failed
Which leads to the next event in June...our FET. Just more food for my pessimistic brain.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Moving Forward
As expected, on Monday I received the call from Dr. K that my beta was negative. I only got slightly teary as I knew it was coming. I of course had the slightest bit of hope that I would be that miraculous positive beta with negative HPT's that I had been googling for days, but in my heart I knew it wouldn't come to fruition. Doc said to make an appointment with him to discuss our frozen embies and whether we will transfer 1 or 2. I called hubby and he was bummed to say the least. He too was hoping that the test would be positive despite the negative tests at home. As always, he reassured me that it will happen...that we will get our baby. His optimism scares me. I'm more of a realist...I know there's a definite possibility that it might not happen. I think if we had the means to keep doing IVF until we got our take home baby, I would feel confident...but we don't. I refuse to break the bank or go into debt to do this and it makes me so mad that this is where we're at. Some people say that no matter how much debt you go into it will be worth it. To do everything possible, but I don't feel comfortable with that.
So we're moving foward. We have an appointment with Dr K on Monday to discuss a FET. I imagine it might be too late to do it this month and therefor will most likely do it in July. We've discussed putting both in and I feel fairly comfortable with this since one of our two frozen embies aren't of the best quality and because frozen transfers have an even lower chance of working. In addition, we don't know if they will survive being thawed. For all I know, we could be all set to trasnfer and my little embies could flop. If this transfer doesn't bring me a baby, we will figure out when we can do another round. Maybe in a year, maybe less, maybe never.
I've used the term "I'm numb" in the past, but I don't think I truly knew what that felt like until now. Now...I'm numb. I feel next to nothing. I don't feel pain, I don't feel hope, I don't cry, I fake a smile. I'm not sure how long I will feel like this. Everyone around me is pregnant or has 1, 2 or 3 children. I've been left behind. I'm broken. I'm defective.
So we're moving foward. We have an appointment with Dr K on Monday to discuss a FET. I imagine it might be too late to do it this month and therefor will most likely do it in July. We've discussed putting both in and I feel fairly comfortable with this since one of our two frozen embies aren't of the best quality and because frozen transfers have an even lower chance of working. In addition, we don't know if they will survive being thawed. For all I know, we could be all set to trasnfer and my little embies could flop. If this transfer doesn't bring me a baby, we will figure out when we can do another round. Maybe in a year, maybe less, maybe never.
I've used the term "I'm numb" in the past, but I don't think I truly knew what that felt like until now. Now...I'm numb. I feel next to nothing. I don't feel pain, I don't feel hope, I don't cry, I fake a smile. I'm not sure how long I will feel like this. Everyone around me is pregnant or has 1, 2 or 3 children. I've been left behind. I'm broken. I'm defective.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
My Life's Plan
I once had a well laid plan for my life. Included in that plan was children. About 8 or 9 years ago I attended a charity event where there was a psychic medium. This medium told me how I would have 3 children. I would have a boy, then a girl and then another boy. I always believed this. I always thought this WOULD happen. It's not that I full heartedly believe in psychics, but I believed this one. This journey has squashed this dream and my plan.
The day after my last entry, I received a call that I would be doing a trasnfer the next day. This means it would be a day 3 trasfer (3dt). I later found out that of the 5 fertilized eggs, there were only 4 remaining. I cried when I received this phone call. From the beginning, I thought I would have a lot of eggs, have a 5dt and have a lot of frosties. We went to the clinic for transfer and found out that we had 3 remaining and 2 had been frozen. I was shocked...first I didn't realize they would freeze on day 3 and second due to the poor and declining numbers, I wasn't expecting any to be frozen. So we trasnsferred one and we were very hopeful.
I tested out the HCG trigger shot and thought it was out by day 5 after transfer. On day 6, I took a test and got a faint line! I was ecstatic. I couldn't believe it worked. I was so anxious to get up the next morning and see a darker line. I had 2 dreams that I got my positive HPT. I went and took a test when I woke up.....no second line...NONE. I thought to myself that it was early and my levels could fluctuate. By the next morning it would surely be positive. Yet the next day brought another stark white test. 2 days later...the same. It's looking like it didn't work. There's always the slightest chance that I will get a positive beta on Monday, but I feel foolish for even considering it a possibility.
I feel blessed to have the frozen embies, but the financial burden is a lot and the emotional burden is unbearable. At this point, I just want to get my beta done so that I can stop the progesterone and get AF since continuing the meds feels like a mind f*ck.
Today is the EDD for our second pregnancy. The pregnancy that I thought was meant to be and could not go wrong. I'm not one to get overly emotional about EDD's. The month of June is a hard one though and is only getting harder. Let's review the dates....6/2 EDD, 6/4 will be my BFN beta, 6/12 was when we got our very first BFP last year, 6/21 was the day we found our babies heartbeat in my tube and had emergency surgery. Yea...that's a whole bunch of suckiness.
So now I question my life's plan. What will come of it? Will we have even 1 child? How will I handle this? Will I let it ruin me? Will it ruin my friendships? Could it hurt my marriage?
The day after my last entry, I received a call that I would be doing a trasnfer the next day. This means it would be a day 3 trasfer (3dt). I later found out that of the 5 fertilized eggs, there were only 4 remaining. I cried when I received this phone call. From the beginning, I thought I would have a lot of eggs, have a 5dt and have a lot of frosties. We went to the clinic for transfer and found out that we had 3 remaining and 2 had been frozen. I was shocked...first I didn't realize they would freeze on day 3 and second due to the poor and declining numbers, I wasn't expecting any to be frozen. So we trasnsferred one and we were very hopeful.
I tested out the HCG trigger shot and thought it was out by day 5 after transfer. On day 6, I took a test and got a faint line! I was ecstatic. I couldn't believe it worked. I was so anxious to get up the next morning and see a darker line. I had 2 dreams that I got my positive HPT. I went and took a test when I woke up.....no second line...NONE. I thought to myself that it was early and my levels could fluctuate. By the next morning it would surely be positive. Yet the next day brought another stark white test. 2 days later...the same. It's looking like it didn't work. There's always the slightest chance that I will get a positive beta on Monday, but I feel foolish for even considering it a possibility.
I feel blessed to have the frozen embies, but the financial burden is a lot and the emotional burden is unbearable. At this point, I just want to get my beta done so that I can stop the progesterone and get AF since continuing the meds feels like a mind f*ck.
Today is the EDD for our second pregnancy. The pregnancy that I thought was meant to be and could not go wrong. I'm not one to get overly emotional about EDD's. The month of June is a hard one though and is only getting harder. Let's review the dates....6/2 EDD, 6/4 will be my BFN beta, 6/12 was when we got our very first BFP last year, 6/21 was the day we found our babies heartbeat in my tube and had emergency surgery. Yea...that's a whole bunch of suckiness.
So now I question my life's plan. What will come of it? Will we have even 1 child? How will I handle this? Will I let it ruin me? Will it ruin my friendships? Could it hurt my marriage?
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