May 2011...two years ago I was in the midst of a cycle that would end in our first pregnancy. I remember clearly the day we conceived. It was Mother's Day, Sunday May 8, 2011. We had our families over for a bbq as we usually do. When my MIL arrived, I greeted her with a hug and kiss and wished her a happy Mother's Day to which she replied "I wish I could say the same to you". Yes, that's my MIL. Not afraid to speak her mind. It had turned out to be a nice day as I can brush off her comments because I'm used to it. The liquor my mom brought helped a bit. Everyone left and we settled in for the night. Of course I will spare you the details, but it was a special night. My cycle turned out to be a long one that month. I took a HPT around the time I would normally get my menses and it was negative. On day 33 of my cycle AF finally came for her visit. I told hubby and he suggested that we put more effort into trying for a baby. Up to that point we weren't trying, just seeing where the wind would blow. 3 weeks later we would find out I was pregnant. 1 week after that we would see our first baby for the first time. See and hear it's heartbeat. Only to be followed with the most devestating news I had ever received...our baby was in my tube. We bid farewell to the little innocent life that was beating away inside me as well as my tube which failed us.
The year to follow was filled with more heartache and devestation. We kept being beaten down. We would get up, brush ourselves off and then get knocked down on our asses again. Once I was functional from the first loss, we got pregnant again and got knocked back down...another ectopic. The first wasn't a fluke...something was wrong with me. I went through tests which showed everything looked great. Ok. Let's give it another go. Smack...my Grandmother dies. Let's add more on top of that with AF showing up the evening of her burial. Oh that's not enough? Let's add another ectopic on top of that just two weeks later. FML
So we've been handed a craptastic hand. Let's make the best of it and we'll move onto IVF. We're young, perfect candidates for it and I found a center that has a grant and meds donation program. It's all coming together. This is what we were supposed to do. The prep work was overwhelming. Tests, classes, social worker...is this our life? It will be worth it.
May 2012...one year ago we stared our IVF cycle. I started injecting myself with needles. I obsess over follicle counts and sizes. I plan our future of a February baby. June 4th we get the official results of the cycle...Negative. How can it be negative? They all said we were perfect candidates. I would have lots of eggs. Lots of frozen embryos. I have two mediocre embryos. No point in stopping now...let's transfer them. July 11th official results...it didn't work. We're done. It's over. Are we really going to shell out the money for another IVF cycle? There would be no grant this time. What if the next one fails? We should just hang up the dream of a family and plan one without them.
We decide to try one last time on our own. We don't seem to have a problem getting pregnant that way. Fine...why not. The doctor said there's no harm of me being treated with methotrexate. Why stop now.
I start to be healthy. Exercise. Have a healthy smoothie every morning. Started taking a supplement that supposedly helps heal fallopian tubes. Early September I start to get sick from the supplements. I stop taking them. That weekend...the weekend of our 5th wedding anniversary. I take a HPT. It's....flucking POSITIVE! I have to compose myself. I've gotten enough positive HPT's to know it doesn't mean this will end differently than the others. This time is a little different though. I got the positive at a normal time. Not after bleeding. I tell hubby and while he's thrilled and says he had a feeling when I wasn't feeling well earlier in the week, he has the same hesitations as me. We've been down this road. We can't be vested yet.
A week goes by. My bloodwork has shown good betas. I haven't had ANY bleeding. This has to be a giant mind fluck. This story can't be true. I don't get fairy tale endings. Another week of no bleeding. I go in for an ultrasound. This is it. I've never had an ultrasound that didn't end in bad news. It was fun while it lasted. I get settled into the room. Go over my history with the doctor. In goes the probe. There it is. On the screen. There's a sac. It's in my uterus? Can that be? This is unchartered territory. The ultrasound the following week was even harder to believe when it showed a heartbeat. The 8 months that have followed have been one unbelievable, have to pinch myself moment after another.
May 2013...I'm 38 weeks pregnant. I'm typing this entry and have to pause as our daughter wiggles in my belly. My office has become a perfect little nursery. She has a name. She will be here soon. I'm ready for her and yet not ready for her. It's like I've gone through the motions for the last two years. Now it's time to snap out of it. Now it's time to adjust to that this is reality. She'll be here soon. We love you baby girl. I don't know how we got so lucky to have you, but we are so happy. She'll be here soon...
