My Life's Plan

I once had a well laid plan for my life.  Included in that plan was children.  About 8 or 9 years ago I attended a charity event where there was a psychic medium.  This medium told me how I would have 3 children.  I would have a boy, then a girl and then another boy.  I always believed this.  I always thought this WOULD happen.  It's not that I full heartedly believe in psychics, but I believed this one.  This journey has squashed this dream and my plan.

The day after my last entry, I received a call that I would be doing a trasnfer the next day.  This means it would be a day 3 trasfer (3dt).  I later found out that of the 5 fertilized eggs, there were only 4 remaining.  I cried when I received this phone call.  From the beginning, I thought I would have a lot of eggs, have a 5dt and have a lot of frosties.  We went to the clinic for transfer and found out that we had 3 remaining and 2 had been frozen.  I was shocked...first I didn't realize they would freeze on day 3 and second due to the poor and declining numbers, I wasn't expecting any to be frozen.  So we trasnsferred one and we were very hopeful.

I tested out the HCG trigger shot and thought it was out by day 5 after transfer.  On day 6, I took a test and got a faint line!  I was ecstatic.  I couldn't believe it worked.  I was so anxious to get up the next morning and see a darker line.  I had 2 dreams that I got my positive HPT.  I went and took a test when I woke up.....no second line...NONE.  I thought to myself that it was early and my levels could fluctuate.  By the next morning it would surely be positive.  Yet the next day brought another stark white test.  2 days later...the same.  It's looking like it didn't work.  There's always the slightest chance that I will get a positive beta on Monday, but I feel foolish for even considering it a possibility.

I feel blessed to have the frozen embies, but the financial burden is a lot and the emotional burden is unbearable.  At this point, I just want to get my beta done so that I can stop the progesterone and get AF since continuing the meds feels like a mind f*ck.

Today is the EDD for our second pregnancy.  The pregnancy that I thought was meant to be and could not go wrong.  I'm not one to get overly emotional about EDD's.  The month of June is a hard one though and is only getting harder.  Let's review the dates....6/2 EDD, 6/4 will be my BFN beta, 6/12 was when we got our very first BFP last year, 6/21 was the day we found our babies heartbeat in my tube and had emergency surgery.  Yea...that's a whole bunch of suckiness.

So now I question my life's plan.  What will come of it?  Will we have even 1 child?  How will I handle this?  Will I let it ruin me?  Will it ruin my friendships?  Could it hurt my marriage?