Sunday, April 22, 2012
Anxious and scared
2 weeks from tomorrow I officially start stims. I'm so scared. I've been scared all along, but the excitement was kind of overriding it. This weekend I've spent more than an acceptable amount of time googling what the chances are of having this end in another ectopic. While the chance is significantly less than me trying on my own, it's still higher than for a normal person. I was also trying to find a name for my malfunctioning tubes. Like a disease name...besides just saying my tubes don't work. I have a hard time accepting this even after everything I've been through. But how can they just not work? They are open, they look healthy...WTF?! It's not fair! I hate pity parties, but I guess that's what I'm throwing for myself this weekend. What if this doesn't work? What if I don't stim well? What if my eggs are crap? What if my embies don't make it? What if .....?
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Only 3 more weeks to go!
Three short weeks from Monday I am to start my stims. I can't believe how quickly and yet slowly the time is going. DH still hasn't done his SA. Not because he's being difficult, but because the appointment times aren't accomodating. But if he really wanted to do it, he would make it happen. I know the next 3 weeks will go quickly and I don't need to be waiting until the last minute to get it done. So...I'm frustrated and I knew from the beginning that this would be the hardest part of the IVF checklist.
My update for the week:
I had been trying to get in touch with the billing department at the clinic to get a clear answer on the funds that I need to come up with before starting the cycle. I left two messages last week and nurse Jackie sent an email for them to call me. Finally on Wednesday I received a phonecall...unfortunately I was in a meeting and she was gone by the time I got out. The message she left said that she got my message saying that I wanted to pay for my IVF...ummmm...no. I called her back on Thursday and got through to her. I asked her about single embryo transfer (SET) and ICSI. I am choosing to do SET because I feel like it's too likely that both implant if we put 2 back. The paperwork I have said that I don't have to pay for freezing if I choose SET and since Dr. K said we won't need ICSI (most likely) I wanted to make sure that I only have to pay the IVF fee and the anasthesia. Well, she wasn't sure because she said I was the first person to do a SET. I was shocked to hear this. Am I really the only person that feels it's better to start with one? Either way I feel that it's best for us. She finally called back and said that I don't have to pay for freezing or ICSI! If I wind up needing ICSI, we will be billed for it. This is HUGE! In addition, if this cycle doesn't work and assuming that I have frosties, they offer up to 3 frozen cycles for the price of one for the first year or until I get my take home baby (or use up my frosties). At first I was really excited about this, but it's changed to fear. What if this fails and I have NO frosties?! I try to not be so negative, but I also can't let myself get too excited.
In addition to all of this, I received a letter in the mail yesterday saying that my homocysteine level is slightly higher than they'd like it to be. Normal is less than 10, but they want it less than 7. Mine was 7.8. So I have to start extra folic acid and vitamins B12 and B6. Yay...more pills! I have to ask Jackie if I was tested for MTHFR, but I also want to make sure that I trust my doctor. I don't want to be questioning them, but if I feel that something else needs to be tested, I will inquire.
I am incredibly grateful that things seem to be moving smoothly. The donated meds, the state grant, the options for SET, tests have come back normal. I just hope that it continues to go well. I'm also incredibly grateful for the friends that I've made through this process. I hope and pray that we all get what our hearts desire and we can truly be happy. I'm so tired of hurting and seeing people hurt.
My update for the week:
I had been trying to get in touch with the billing department at the clinic to get a clear answer on the funds that I need to come up with before starting the cycle. I left two messages last week and nurse Jackie sent an email for them to call me. Finally on Wednesday I received a phonecall...unfortunately I was in a meeting and she was gone by the time I got out. The message she left said that she got my message saying that I wanted to pay for my IVF...ummmm...no. I called her back on Thursday and got through to her. I asked her about single embryo transfer (SET) and ICSI. I am choosing to do SET because I feel like it's too likely that both implant if we put 2 back. The paperwork I have said that I don't have to pay for freezing if I choose SET and since Dr. K said we won't need ICSI (most likely) I wanted to make sure that I only have to pay the IVF fee and the anasthesia. Well, she wasn't sure because she said I was the first person to do a SET. I was shocked to hear this. Am I really the only person that feels it's better to start with one? Either way I feel that it's best for us. She finally called back and said that I don't have to pay for freezing or ICSI! If I wind up needing ICSI, we will be billed for it. This is HUGE! In addition, if this cycle doesn't work and assuming that I have frosties, they offer up to 3 frozen cycles for the price of one for the first year or until I get my take home baby (or use up my frosties). At first I was really excited about this, but it's changed to fear. What if this fails and I have NO frosties?! I try to not be so negative, but I also can't let myself get too excited.
In addition to all of this, I received a letter in the mail yesterday saying that my homocysteine level is slightly higher than they'd like it to be. Normal is less than 10, but they want it less than 7. Mine was 7.8. So I have to start extra folic acid and vitamins B12 and B6. Yay...more pills! I have to ask Jackie if I was tested for MTHFR, but I also want to make sure that I trust my doctor. I don't want to be questioning them, but if I feel that something else needs to be tested, I will inquire.
I am incredibly grateful that things seem to be moving smoothly. The donated meds, the state grant, the options for SET, tests have come back normal. I just hope that it continues to go well. I'm also incredibly grateful for the friends that I've made through this process. I hope and pray that we all get what our hearts desire and we can truly be happy. I'm so tired of hurting and seeing people hurt.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Whirlwind of a week
This was a successful and yet crazy week. I am so thankful that it's Friday and we got out of work early. I am now sitting on my couch in complete quiet with just some birds chirping outside and the tapping of my keyboard as I write this.
Monday was the dreaded socialworker meeting. I had this appointment built up in my mind to go so horribly. I convinced myself that she would be prying and trying to push us to our breaking points. That we would leave there hating eachother, cancelling IVF and questioning our future. I have no reason to think this. Hubby and I have a loving, strong and stable relationship. It's not perfect, but pretty darn close. So I was terrified all day on Monday where I was almost sick. In the end....it was fine. She asked us about our infertility history as well as our life history. She had suffered IF and now has three childre, so she was very understanding. She was also a little pushy in that she was insisting that we do something to honor our lost babies. I understand suggesting it, but she kept telling us that we had to. Overall it was a really good experience and I think it changed hubby's tune a little bit. Since then he's been asking questions and been more optimistic and interested.
Tuesday morning I went for bloodwork to confirm I'm not pregnant. This was annoying since I had the test the prior week and have been on BCP's, but I had to do it so I did it. That evening was the orientation. I left with some useful information and a whole bunch of questions which were mostly related to billing. It was weird to be in a room of people all going through the same thing. I wanted to go around the room and ask people what was wrong with them and what protocol they were doing and all the questions I ask to the IVF ladies I talk to. But I guess that's a no-no. In an effort to get my billing questions answered, I called the billing department on Wednesday. I haven't heard back from them and even called again today. I'm getting frustrated. I can get ahold of doctors and nurses, but not billing? Oh well...I'll wait and call again if I don't hear back.
Thursday I had my SHG (water sono). I wasn't too nervous about it until I was getting ready to go in when I had this thought that there has to be something wrong. That's why I've had ectopics! There's something wrong with my uterus makin the embryo float back up my tube desperate to implant. So I was convinced of this. I went in and got set up and they began. I felt pretty much nothing during the procedure until they inflated my uterus fully. I asked some questions while they were doing it as far as if my E2 level of 52.5 was a concern since at orientation they said they want it between 20-50. They confirmed that it's fine. Back to the SHG....at one point she said she sees the endometrium and I say "you see endometriosis?!" she said no, endometrium. Then the magical words....."Looks good!". I was so excited. Nurse Jackie gave me the remainder of my meds as I was leaving. I am still in shock and awe that she was able to gather everything I needed and I haven't paid a dime. I hope one day I can pay forward these wonderful gifts I have received.
So that was my week in IVF land. Hubby was all ready to do his SA today, but it looks like they don't do those appointments until later in the morning and we couldn't go in late today. I was bummed because it would have been great to have ALL the testing done. This is the only item left on my checklist and I have 4 weeks until I start stims!
Monday was the dreaded socialworker meeting. I had this appointment built up in my mind to go so horribly. I convinced myself that she would be prying and trying to push us to our breaking points. That we would leave there hating eachother, cancelling IVF and questioning our future. I have no reason to think this. Hubby and I have a loving, strong and stable relationship. It's not perfect, but pretty darn close. So I was terrified all day on Monday where I was almost sick. In the end....it was fine. She asked us about our infertility history as well as our life history. She had suffered IF and now has three childre, so she was very understanding. She was also a little pushy in that she was insisting that we do something to honor our lost babies. I understand suggesting it, but she kept telling us that we had to. Overall it was a really good experience and I think it changed hubby's tune a little bit. Since then he's been asking questions and been more optimistic and interested.
Tuesday morning I went for bloodwork to confirm I'm not pregnant. This was annoying since I had the test the prior week and have been on BCP's, but I had to do it so I did it. That evening was the orientation. I left with some useful information and a whole bunch of questions which were mostly related to billing. It was weird to be in a room of people all going through the same thing. I wanted to go around the room and ask people what was wrong with them and what protocol they were doing and all the questions I ask to the IVF ladies I talk to. But I guess that's a no-no. In an effort to get my billing questions answered, I called the billing department on Wednesday. I haven't heard back from them and even called again today. I'm getting frustrated. I can get ahold of doctors and nurses, but not billing? Oh well...I'll wait and call again if I don't hear back.
Thursday I had my SHG (water sono). I wasn't too nervous about it until I was getting ready to go in when I had this thought that there has to be something wrong. That's why I've had ectopics! There's something wrong with my uterus makin the embryo float back up my tube desperate to implant. So I was convinced of this. I went in and got set up and they began. I felt pretty much nothing during the procedure until they inflated my uterus fully. I asked some questions while they were doing it as far as if my E2 level of 52.5 was a concern since at orientation they said they want it between 20-50. They confirmed that it's fine. Back to the SHG....at one point she said she sees the endometrium and I say "you see endometriosis?!" she said no, endometrium. Then the magical words....."Looks good!". I was so excited. Nurse Jackie gave me the remainder of my meds as I was leaving. I am still in shock and awe that she was able to gather everything I needed and I haven't paid a dime. I hope one day I can pay forward these wonderful gifts I have received.
So that was my week in IVF land. Hubby was all ready to do his SA today, but it looks like they don't do those appointments until later in the morning and we couldn't go in late today. I was bummed because it would have been great to have ALL the testing done. This is the only item left on my checklist and I have 4 weeks until I start stims!
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