I've started this blog mostly to serve as an outlet for me to get my feelings out about our trying to conceive journey. This being my first post, it will probably be a long one.
I will start with my background. I met my husband when I was 18 and he was 22. We were young and he liked to party and hang out with his friends. We had a rough start as I was competing for his time and attention. Our relationship slowly evolved and we became a strong and loving couple that made many envious. After graduating college in 2003, I started my career as an accountant and he continued his work as a plumber. We were engaged in 2005 and married in 2007. I was 25 when we got married and my husband was 29. We were never focused on having children. I could take it or leave it and he wasn't sure if he would ever want them. As the years passed, my mommy itch started acting up. I had time, and said that I wanted to have a child by the time I was 30. As 30 crept closer, I changed it that I wanted to be pregnant by the time I was 30. People all around me started having children and that started to really make me start thinking about babies. At the time we were living in a one bedroom basement apartment. The next step for me was to buy a house, which we did in 2009. This was a major change...big responsibility. But we did it and we had our first home. So we are settled into our 4 bedroom house. I have 3 empty bedrooms just aching to be filled and yet alas, they continue to be empty.
November of 2010 my period was late and I thought for sure I was pregnant. I told my friend and she encouraged me to purchase an HPT, she even came with to the store for support. I walked into my house with the bag in my hand and told my husband that I'm late. I took the test and it was negative. I was heartbroken, but it made us start to think more seriously about baby making. In May 2011, I was late again. I told my husband and then got my period the next day. He sent me a text message saying that he thought about it and we should start trying harder. I was so excited that he really wanted to try...like really try! So off to the store I went to get ovulation tests and pregnancy tests...all digitals...afterall I didn't want to have to play around with lines. I took my first OPK on Monday June 6th and got smiley face right away (positive). I was shocked and told my husband. Over the next couple of days I had some spotting, which I never had in the middle of my cycle. But that was easily explained based on Dr. Google, you can have ovulation spotting and that means you're super fertile. I continued to test and every day I kept getting a smiley face until I used up the 7 tests that came in the pack. I purchased some line tests thinking that maybe the digitals were wrong, but those were positive as well. After looking online I found that an OPK can be positive for a pregnancy so on Saturday, June12th I decided to take an HPT only to get that thought out of my head. Well, the digital popped up pregnant right away. I was so nervous and when my husband came home I told him and started crying. He said not to cry...this is what we were trying for, but he just kinda plopped on the couch and didn't show much of a reaction. He was in shock as was I. I tested again later that day and the following morning and then called my doctor. We started to get excited about having a baby. I did think it was early to get a positive test since the earliest we could have conceived was 6 or 7 days prior. So I told hubby that it could be from last month. I went to the doctor and told her that I got postive HPT's, but had a period only a little over two weeks ago and had some spotting which had subsided. She said that many people have bleeding in early pregnancy and not to be concerned. I went for bloodwork and an ultrasound which showed nothing, but the bloodwork confirmed I was pregnant! My HCG was at 4,553. Repeat HCG showed normal doubling, but ultrasound still showed nothing. After another blood draw, I was put on progesterone suppositories as my progesterone dropped a little. They said they were concerned about not seeing anything on the ultrasound and my low progesterone, but I just thought they were overreacting. That Sunday was Father's day and we told everyone that we were expecting. My mom cried and everyone was excited. Monday I had more bloodwork done and went in for another ultrasound. My HCG was just under 15000 and the ultrasound showed nothing. I was sent to a high risk doctor and my husband showed up just as they started the ultrasound. So she starts and I see her marking things such as ovary, uterus and then she puts 'YS' and I think yolk sac? She turns on the sound and we hear "swoosh swoosh swoosh swoosh". Then she stops and asks if the doctor explained why I was here. I said that I'm there because they didn't see anything on the ultrasound and she asked if the doctor explained what that meant. I replied that it could be ectopic and she looks at me with a sad face and shakes her head. Me: You found the baby, Her: shakes head yes, Me: It's in my tube, Her:shakes head yes. The doctor comes in and tells me that they have to do an internal ultrasound to confirm the findings. After that she says they confirmed the baby is in my tube and due to the size and the fact that it has a heartbeat, I need emergency surgery and I need to stop moving as I could rupture at any moment. I am hysterical crying so much so that she was trying to get me to stop because I was shaking too much. So I had surgery and my left tube was removed. I was out of work for almost two weeks to heal physically and emotionally, but the emotional healing never really came. While out of work, my friend came by and after talking she disclosed that she was pregnant and we were only 3 days apart. She had her 7 week ultrasound which showed a healthy heartbeat. I of course lost it, but held it together until she left. My doctor says that I now have an increased risk of ectopic and should hold off for a cycle or two before trying again.
September rolls around and I've gone full force with baby making protocol. I take my temperature every morning, pee on sticks or in cups, I have become more familiar with my body then I ever thought I would have. Based on all the information, I knew that I was late for my period, but I had negative tests. Finally I called my doctor and he said to come in. I was sent for bloodwork and it showed my HCG was at 8. This is considered pregnant, so I was to continue with repeat bloodwork. We found this out on my 30th birthday. I thought there was no possible way that this could go wrong. It had to be meant to be. Afterall, this baby was most likely conceived on our anniversary and I found out I was pregnant on my 30th birthday! I started spotting the next day which turned into regular bleed the day after that. I thought it was a chemical pregnancy, but my beta continued to double and my progesterone continued to increase. I thought that maybe it would all work out, but as soon as the bleeding stopped, it would start again in the form of spotting. The doctors were convinced this was a normal pregnancy based on my betas. The bleeding became a little heavier one day so I called the doctor and they said to go to the emergency room. It was almost a week from my last beta which was 362 and when they told me my beta in the hospital was only 875 and they saw a mass by my ovary we knew it was over. They said the mass could be a corpus leutem cyst and I remained hopeful. They made me stay in the hospital (trust me I tried and tried to go home) and in the morning we did more bloodwork and another ultrasound. My beta remained exactly the same and I was sent to the high risk doctor again. They once again confirmed an ectopic and recommended being treated medically with methotrexate (a form of chemotherapy). Again, they wouldn't let me go home. My husband, mom and friend were at the hospital with me to hold my hand and comfort me. I couldn't believe it was happening again. Because of the methotrexate I was put on a mandatory 12 week wait to try again and my doctor and the high risk doctor said that I should persue IVF as I am now at a 30% chance of another ectopic.
In December I made an appointment with an RE. We discussed my history and he said that he recommended doing an HSG to see if my tube was open or not and that it was up to us if we wanted to try again naturally. I did research and in many cases people get pregnant after the HSG because the test dilates the tube. My husband was convinced that it was going to fix me and everything would be fine. On January 4th the test showed my tube was open! My RE said to call him if I wasn't pregnant in 6 months and to call immediately if I become pregnant.
January 21st my mom called to tell me that my grandmother passed away. This was the last living grandparent in mine and my husband's families. I had taken a pregnancy test that morning and it was negative and I didn't feel like testing until after the funeral because if it was negative I would be upset and if it was positive I didn't want to be happy when I was grieving. January 24th we buried my loving grandmother...may she rest in peace. After the funeral I noticed I was spotting. We went for a walk and when we got home I had a full blown period. I cried and cried and cried. What a horrible day it was. My husband apologized for our bad timing and tried very hard to cheer me up.
So we moved on to another cycle and I started OPK's when I returned from a work trip. After 4 days of positives I was getting nervous about a repeat ectopic, but my temperatures didn't indicate a pregnancy so I didn't believe it. When I was urged to take a test by a friend, I did and it was positive. I told my husband that it had to be ectopic. The line was light and I had a regular period. I would have been 6 weeks, so the test line should have been super dark. I went to the RE the next day and they drew blood and did an ultrasound which they didn't see anything. I was so hopeful that I would go in and see a baby on the monitor. My HCG came back at 115...nowhere near what a 6 week HCG should be. We repeated it the next day and it was at 76 so we thought my body was doing the right thing for once. We also thought that it could have been in my uterus and was a miscarriage. Not that this would be better per se, but the fact of it making it to my uterus would have been HUGE. Another repeat beta came back around 100 and my level was fluctuating around there for the next few days. They wanted me to get the methotrexate, but I was pushing them off for as long as possible hoping that it would dissipate on it's own. It didn't so I was treated with the methotrexate on February 16th (the anniversary of my grandfather's passing).
So now we are moving on to IVF. It's sort of funny, we once had a conversation that we would never do IVF. If we weren't meant to have kids, then we would live child-free. Well, I guess things have changed a bit because I have two boxes of hormones and needles in my fridge. I'm nervous on so many levels. I'm scared of my husband deciding he doesn't want to do it. I'm afraid of shooting myself up with needles and becoming a raging hormonal beotch. I'm absolutely terrified of this not working, being out a lot of money and have nothing to show for it. I'm even scared of it working and then being a bad mom or it being too much on our marriage.
Well that's my looooong story in a not so summarized version. I plan to use this blog to document my IVF journey and hope that it will help me get my feelings out and deal with them.
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