Two Years

May 2011...two years ago I was in the midst of a cycle that would end in our first pregnancy.  I remember clearly the day we conceived.  It was Mother's Day, Sunday May 8, 2011.  We had our families over for a bbq as we usually do.  When my MIL arrived, I greeted her with a hug and kiss and wished her a happy Mother's Day to which she replied "I wish I could say the same to you".  Yes, that's my MIL.  Not afraid to speak her mind.  It had turned out to be a nice day as I can brush off her comments because I'm used to it.  The liquor my mom brought helped a bit.  Everyone left and we settled in for the night.  Of course I will spare you the details, but it was a special night.  My cycle turned out to be a long one that month.  I took a HPT around the time I would normally get my menses and it was negative.  On day 33 of my cycle AF finally came for her visit.  I told hubby and he suggested that we put more effort into trying for a baby.  Up to that point we weren't trying, just seeing where the wind would blow.  3 weeks later we would find out I was pregnant.  1 week after that we would see our first baby for the first time.  See and hear it's heartbeat.  Only to be followed with the most devestating news I had ever received...our baby was in my tube.  We bid farewell to the little innocent life that was beating away inside me as well as my tube which failed us.

The year to follow was filled with more heartache and devestation.  We kept being beaten down.  We would get up, brush ourselves off and then get knocked down on our asses again.  Once I was functional from the first loss, we got pregnant again and got knocked back down...another ectopic.  The first wasn't a fluke...something was wrong with me.  I went through tests which showed everything looked great.  Ok.  Let's give it another go.  Smack...my Grandmother dies.  Let's add more on top of that with AF showing up the evening of her burial.  Oh that's not enough?  Let's add another ectopic on top of that just two weeks later.  FML

So we've been handed a craptastic hand.  Let's make the best of it and we'll move onto IVF.  We're young, perfect candidates for it and I found a center that has a grant and meds donation program.  It's all coming together.  This is what we were supposed to do.  The prep work was overwhelming.  Tests, classes, social worker...is this our life?  It will be worth it. 

May 2012...one year ago we stared our IVF cycle.  I started injecting myself with needles.  I obsess over follicle counts and sizes.  I plan our future of a February baby.  June 4th we get the official results of the cycle...Negative.  How can it be negative?  They all said we were perfect candidates.  I would have lots of eggs.  Lots of frozen embryos.  I have two mediocre embryos.  No point in stopping now...let's transfer them.  July 11th official results...it didn't work.  We're done.  It's over.  Are we really going to shell out the money for another IVF cycle?  There would be no grant this time.  What if the next one fails?  We should just hang up the dream of a family and plan one without them. 

We decide to try one last time on our own.  We don't seem to have a problem getting pregnant that way.  Fine...why not.  The doctor said there's no harm of me being treated with methotrexate.  Why stop now.

I start to be healthy.  Exercise.  Have a healthy smoothie every morning.  Started taking a supplement that supposedly helps heal fallopian tubes.  Early September I start to get sick from the supplements.  I stop taking them.  That weekend...the weekend of our 5th wedding anniversary.  I take a HPT.  It's....flucking POSITIVE!  I have to compose myself.  I've gotten enough positive HPT's to know it doesn't mean this will end differently than the others.  This time is a little different though.  I got the positive at a normal time.  Not after bleeding.  I tell hubby and while he's thrilled and says he had a feeling when I wasn't feeling well earlier in the week, he has the same hesitations as me.  We've been down this road.  We can't be vested yet. 

A week goes by.  My bloodwork has shown good betas.  I haven't had ANY bleeding.  This has to be a giant mind fluck.  This story can't be true.  I don't get fairy tale endings.  Another week of no bleeding.  I go in for an ultrasound.  This is it.  I've never had an ultrasound that didn't end in bad news.  It was fun while it lasted.  I get settled into the room.  Go over my history with the doctor.  In goes the probe.  There it is.  On the screen.  There's a sac.  It's in my uterus?  Can that be?  This is unchartered territory.  The ultrasound the following week was even harder to believe when it showed a heartbeat.  The 8 months that have followed have been one unbelievable, have to pinch myself moment after another.

May 2013...I'm 38 weeks pregnant.  I'm typing this entry and have to pause as our daughter wiggles in my belly.  My office has become a perfect little nursery.  She has a name.  She will be here soon.  I'm ready for her and yet not ready for her.  It's like I've gone through the motions for the last two years.  Now it's time to snap out of it.  Now it's time to adjust to that this is reality.  She'll be here soon.  We love you baby girl.  I don't know how we got so lucky to have you, but we are so happy.  She'll be here soon...

5 Weeks to Go!

It's been a while since I've written an update.  I feel like time has gone so fast and yet so slow.  We're almost 35 weeks pregnant. 

I'll start with the doctor appointments:

Things went from smooth sailing to slightly choppy waters when we had our anatomy scan at 21 weeks.  The MFM told us that she was perfect, her head was a little small, but she was perfect.  Well...when I went to my OB's office the doctor read a different story.  She was concerned about the size of her head which was measuring in the 5th percentile.  She wanted me back in 2 weeks for another sonogram.  We were so upset.  This was it...the other shoe we were waiting to drop finally did.  What could this mean?  What was going to happen?  What was I doing wrong?  Why did the MFM tell us she was perfect and than the OB says something's wrong???  Two weeks later I went back to get another sono and the tech said she looked great.  Wait...great?  Really?  You had me scared to death and now she looks great?!  Ok...this is good, no great, news.  And we breathed a sigh of relief. 

Back to the MFM 2 weeks after that.  The tech says...baby is small, but growing properly, BUT your fluid is a little low.  Not concerning, but on the low end of normal.  Great.  Off to the OB the following week.  He tells me...your fluid is too low and you need to be on bedrest.  No no no no no no...the MFM said it was ok...I sit at a desk all day...I have 12 weeks to go!!!!  He concedes that we'll see what the next scan with MFM shows in two weeks, but to prepare for bedrest.  I freak the freak out.  Of course our baby's health and safety is the number 1 priority, but being home on bedrest is an extremely stressful concept for us.  The next MFM appointment showed the fluid was a little bit higher, they don't see a need for bed rest, but should take it easy and to return in a month.  Of course I go the OB the following week.  She says it's good that the fluid increased, but would prefer me on bed rest.  She lets me go and I back in 2 weeks where my blood pressure was measured at 130/80 when I'm normally 120/80.  Because it was little higher she wanted to me to do a 24 hour urine catch and get tested for pre eclampsia...fabulous.  So I did that over Easter weekend and went to the MFM the following Wednesday.  My BP was around 130/80 again, but the test results came back perfect...another bullet dodged.  When the tech started the scan, she asked if I was leaking fluid or taking ibuprofen...my fluid was very low.  We both just looked at eachother and threw our hands up.  Then she said that her bladder was full and a couple of minutes later she peed and the fluid level was up to almost a totally normal level!  Woohooo!!!!

The following day I had an OB appointment.  I woke up feeling great.  I had a good night's sleep, I was feeling pretty and off to work I went.  About an hour after arriving I got up from my desk and had a pain in my stomach that felt like a pulled muscle.  It hurt, but wasn't intense.  When I stood up, I couldn't stand completely straight.  Baby girl was movin and groovin so I wasn't concerned.  One thing I noticed was that she was head down when she was head up the day before.  So I thought that maybe the pain was from her switching positions.  Well, the pain didn't go away and I was getting increasingly concerned even though she wasn't showing any signs of distress based on her activity.  By 1pm I had enough.  I called to see if I could move up my OB appointment.  They said to come right down, so off I went.  When they brought me in the room, I was pretty nervous and worried about the pain and when she took my blood pressure I told her it was going to be high...well it was 150/90.  The doctor came in and I told her about the pain.  She said it's just ligament pain, but she can't send me home with my BP that high.  I asked if I could hang out and relax for a little bit and that it was high because I was worried about the pain.  She said she couldn't sit here and monitor me every five minutes and sent me to L&D.  By 3pm I was in a delivery room, in a gown and hooked up to monitors, blood drawn.  My BP was fine.  7pm the doctor came to see me and said there was good news and bad news.  The good news is that my bloodwork looked good and the bad news is that I was having contractions.  Also, they were supposed to do a sonogram, but never came to do that.  She wants my cervix checked for dilation or shortening because of the contractions.  They came in with the machine at 8pm and said I have to have an FFN test which checks for a protein testing if I'm going into preterm labor...the results take 2 hours.  Sono looked great, fluid was good.  I told her about the pain that made me get upset to begin with and that it's tender to the touch to the point that I'm in tears if it gets touched.  She went over the spot with the wand and it showed that her legs were there.  Apparently it was just the position she was in...it also confirmed that she had in fact flipped from the day before.  She also checked my cervix which was tightly closed.  2 hours later another doctor comes in and says I have to have a T/V ultrasound done to check my cervix length due to the contractions and that hopefully by the time he's done the FFN results will be in.  Cervix was nice and long and baby girls head was resting on my bladder.  FFN results were negative...I get to go home!!!  I finally walked out of the hospital at 11pm and I walked out with two jugs to do another urine catch...fun.

This was on 4/5.  This week we have both MFM and OB appointments.  FX everything goes smooth.  I'm getting so frustrated with freaking out and then finding out that everything is fine.  Obviously I am beyond grateful that everything's been fine, but these doctors are taking years off of our lives.

Now onto the fun stuff.  The nursery is done!  Hubby did a lot of work including crown and baseboards, paint and a ceiling fan.  He wanted his daughter's room to be perfect and it is darn close.  I put together the furniture over two weekends doing what I could by myself and waiting for him to help when I felt it was too much.  This weekend I put some decals on the walls.  Her drawers are filling up quickly with cute little outfits.  Next weekend is my shower and I can't wait!  My mom was trying to keep it a surprise, but as soon as MIL told me that SIL was coming into town I knew when it was.  Either way it will be an amazing, overwhelming and emotional day.  I can't wait to see everyone!!!

Guilt

I try not to let it get to me, but sometimes I can't help it.  Ectopic pregnancies are unique in the way that the mother is forced to terminate the pregnancy.  I had to end my babies lives.  My first angel's heart was beating before being ripped from my body and life support was cut.  My other two angels were attacked by methotrexate.  What's worse is that by the third termination, it got easier.  My first was traumatic because of how everything unfolded, the wirlwind of events, the rollercoaster of emotions, the surgery and physical healing involved which was nothing compared to the emotional piece.  In a matter of what felt like seconds, my baby and tube were gone.  In the snap we went from planning a new life to trying to figure out how to survive.  My second was different because I knew from the beginning that it wasn't right.  I let myself have a small amount of hope because the doctors said that it appeared to be ok.  When we were diagnosed once again as ectopic and I received the methotrexate it was different because it wasn't an immediate end to our baby's life.  It took time...it was slow.  While I know our baby felt no pain, that didn't change the guilt I had.  My third I felt the most guilt for.  Guilt because it was the "easiest".  I knew from the second the pee stick showed a second line that it wasn't going to end well.  I think I cried the least amount of tears for our third angel.  How could I be so cold?

Yesterday I went to look at the furniture that I had picked online to make sure that I like it.  When I was leaving the store my eyes went to my charms hanging from my mirror for our angels and the somber feeling returned once again.  When I plan for our little girl, when I pick something out for her I'm reminded that I didn't get to do that for her siblings.

I know it's not my fault.  I know I had no choice.  I know I did nothing to cause it.  As a mother, there was nothing I could do to save them.  I will never forget my angels.  I know they're watching over us.  Guiding us and protecting us.  Momma and Papa love you angel babies.

Thankful for Every Single Day

My belly is growing.  My baby is moving around and kicking me.  I've made a ton of progress on cleaning out the baby's room.  Yet it seems surreal that in approximately 4 months from now we will have a baby in our arms.  Every single day I am thankful for this miracle and yet I ask myself how it happened.  Our story is so unbelievable.  Something I thought would never happen and yet it has.  How?  I know I shouldn't question it.  Afterall, I'll never get an answer.  All I can do is be grateful.  I am SO grateful. 

We had our anatomy scan on the 8th.  They measured every organ, bone, etc.  We were told that we would be having a baby girl and that she looked perfect in every way.  A miraculous baby girl.  She was wiggling all over the place and was practicing breathing.  It was the most amazing thing we've ever seen. 

I'm starting to get anxious to get to her birthday.  The fears have started to creep in.  She has to arrive safely.  She has to be healthy.  The universe, god, whomever or whatever is in charge has to give this to us.  I'm trying to keep the fears out and focus on one step at time, one day at a time, or one hour at a time and just be thankful. 

2nd tri and going strong

We're going on 16 weeks and I still pinch myself daily to make sure I'm not dreaming and ask how I got this lucky.  Some would ask how I could say that I'm lucky after all that I've been through.  It makes me think of a saying a friend told me "never look at what you've lost, only look at what you have left".  I have so much left.  I have 3 angels watching over my family and a blessing in my tummy.  I haven't forgotten about my angels and talk to them often.  I have three angel charms in each of their birthstone colors that hang from my rear view mirror in my car.  The car is the time I talk to them most...when it's just us and I can speak freely.  When I picked up some baby items from a friend last week I was so excited and I held the charms and apologized that I never got to be that excited for them and told them how much I love and miss them.  I also thanked them for watching over us.

LO is growing strong and I actually felt movement this past Monday!  I was sitting at my desk all slumped over and felt a few little pops.  I am inclined to think that it was LO flipping over and I'll tell you why.  From the very beginning, I've found the heartbeat on my right side.  Ever since the 'movement', I've found it on the left side.

We had our NT scan three weeks ago on the 12th and LO looks like a baby now!  We were calling LO Blob or Blobby, but now that he/she no longer looks like a blob, we renamed her/him Mini Me.  Hubby was quite shocked how human the baby looked and I think it made it real to him.  Our next appointment is on 12/10 and I hope to find out the sex.  Although last night hubby said to me that his friends told him we are crazy for finding out the sex and now he's second guessing it...grrrr.  I have two weeks to convince him it doesn't matter what his friends think or did.  I need to know! 

That's about it for now.  We're prepping for the holidays.  Christmas tree is up and I've been internet shopping like a fool.  Anyone want to pay my credit card bill?

Here's a sneak peek at Mini Me from our NT scan:

Update on me and my blob

It makes me uneasy to even type the words that thus far this pregnancy is going well.  I'm not one to say that thinking positively will jinx us.  A jinx didn't make my first 3 pregnancies ectopic or IVF fail.  A jinx isn't going to end this baby's life.

That being said, we are doing well.  I have been sick with a cold that past week or so and am finally almost 100%.  My last appointment was on 10/4 which was my first OB appointment.  My regular doctor was on vacation so I saw the other doctor who I am not in love with, but she knows what she's doing.  She was happy for us that we conceived on our own and that I'm on progesterone.  My doctor's office is a firm believer in checking progesterone levels and supplementing if necessary.  She did a pap and checked my cervix, which was nice and closed.  Then she said I get an u/s!  I wasn't expecting one that day, and got nervous immediately of course.  The sonographer was super sweet and we chatted about my pregnancies and her upcoming wedding.  She found baby (a.k.a. blob) and I could see blob had grown from the previous week.  I saw the fluttering heart and she was measuring away.  She said she measured the heartbeat, but I didn't see the typical heartbeat line that I expected to, so I got nervous.  She explained everything on the screen and told me the heartbeat was at 142bpm!  She gave me my pics and sent me out to see the doctor who told me that everything looked good and baby was measuring 6w5d (I was 7w2d on that day) and not to worry about the measuring since it can vary and blob has a good heartbeat.  She gave me my scripts for bloodwork and told me to stay pregnant.

I went for my bloodwork 2 days later and oh.my.gosh...sooooo many vials.  I remembered a lot of vials from my first pregnancy, but I think they upped it a little.  It wasn't bad though, I only got poked once and my vein cooperated.  Called the OB office a few days later and they said my hormones look great and to make an appointment for two weeks from then (they didn't say anything about the rest of the tests, but I will inquire when I go to my appointment).  A couple of days later they called and said that my pap came back normal as well.  So next appointment in on the 25th...not sure if I will get to see blob again or not.

In the meantime, I am keeping myself sane with a doppler sent by one of my amazing friends, Missa (love you!).  I received it on the 12th and tried it that afternoon.  I was 8w4d and thought I might have found it because I was getting a reading of 160bpm, but I wasn't really hearing anything except my heartbeat and a lot of wooshing.  A couple of days later I broke it out again and found the same noise, in the same spot, but didn't get that same 160bpm reading.  I then found the same thing on the other side, so I knew it wasn't blob.  After an hour of searching and prodding I FINALLY found blob!  Very clear and got a reading of 160-170bpm.  Very comforting and amazing.  This past Thursday I tried when I got up in the morning and caught blob for maybe 3-5 seconds.  It was enough to make me smile and breathe a sigh of relief.  Yesterday morning I found blob much more quickly and long enough to get a reading.  Today I found blob, but wasn't able to get a reading.  My manual count matched up with what I've been hearing and I was able to record it on my phone so I can listen to it all day long :)  That brings us to 9w4d and I just hope and pray that the good news keeps coming!

Miracles

I always believed in miracles.  Or I did until I suffered my 2nd loss.  After that I didn't believe in much of anything.  How could I?  Everything was being ripped from beneath my feet...my world was turned upside down.  Then the 3rd loss happened.  Then IVF failed.  Then our FET failed.  What in the world would give me the idea that a miracle could happen?!

When we decided to try on our own again, I fully expected to have another ectopic.  I even calculated in my head that when we had another ectopic, I could possibly start another IVF cycle in December based on the 3 month wait following methotrexate.  I never expected that what has happened would.  I never imagined the day would come that we had a ute baby.  I never imagined that we would go to the doctor today and see a heartbeat.  I never imagined the RE would release me to my OB.  I never imagined I would get to call my OB and tell them I'm pregnant and it's not ectopic.  Yet all of this has happened.  I'm so thankful that it's happened.  I'm thankful for every single moment.  I hope I have 8+ more months of happy moments followed by a lifetime of joy.  It's certainly hard to imagine holding a baby in my arms, but I'm trying.

Here is our little miracle:

UTE BABY!

Yesterday was my first ultrasound which was to see where baby has implanted.  This was an extremely stressful, nerveracking and emotional time.  I certainly felt different from my other pregnancies.  I hadn't had any bleeding and no sharp pinching pains.  I did have occassionaly pains on my right side, so I certainly was not convinced that things would go well.

So I go to my appointment shaking and trying not to have a panic attack.  They bring me in and ask how I'm feeling and go over my history (Dr. K wasn't doing the u/s).  Then the dildo cam is prepped and in it goes.  We see nothing but a black screen...stupid gel created an air pocket.  She fixes it and reinserts and we see it right away!  That beautiful sac!  She says she *thinks* she sees something in it, but it's really really tiny.  She changed the angle a little and measured my little baby!  I can't believe it.  We can't believe it.  I know we're far from out of the woods as far as a healthy take home baby, but I'm basking in this moment.

I would like to introduce you to Baby delino:

Small Victories

Yesterday was my 3rd beta which came back at 439 (up from 204 2 days prior) and progesterone was 12.9.  While these are great numbers and things seem to be progressing like a normal pregnancy, I can't help but feel like I've been down this road before.  The doubling time has slowed from 37 hours to 43 which makes me feel like it's going to slow to a hault and stop growing because it's in my tube.  My 2nd pregnancy I had doubling betas, but they started really low:

16dpo - 8
18dpo - 20, 36 hour doubling (started bleeding this day)
20dpo - 49, 37 hour doubling
24dpo - 362, 33 hour doubling
30dpo - 875, 113 hour doubling

Now to my current pregnancy:

13dpo - 83
15dpo - 204, 37 hour doubling
17dpo - 439, 43 hour doubling

So somewhere around 400 it stopped doubling normally.  Am I doomed to repeat history?  I realize that my betas are much better for where I am as far as dpo especially compared to pg#2 and also the fact that I haven't had a any bleeding.  I should feel optimistic, but I can't.  My rational mind says that I may not be bleeding because of the progesterone.

Either way, I'm scheduled for an u/s on Wednesday the 19th.  I don't quite know how I'm going to not break down into hysterics when they start the u/s.  I've never had a good u/s.  I've never seen my baby and not have it folowed by the doctor telling me it's over.  Here's hoping this time is different.

Still Pregnant!

I really wasn't looking forward to getting betas.  There's so much anxiety surrounding them.  I went for my first beta on Monday and waited very impatiently.  My cell quite seldom rings and it rang 3 times in 20 minutes which was making me jump out of my skin.  Finally Nurse Jackie called with my results.  My HCG was 83 and progesterone was 7.4.  At 13 dpo, the HCG was awesome, but progesterone was a little lower than they'd like so I started supps.  Of course I was still freaking out and every twinge, pull or cramp sent me reeling.  Today was beta #2.  When I went in Jackie said they're drawing the CBC panel in case I need methotrexate.  Or as Jackie said "in case it's growing in the wrong spot".  Finally around 12:45 I got a voicemail (stupid phone didn't ring).  My HCG today was 204 and progesterone was 14!  This was exciting.  Very very exciting.  So I'm still pregnant and I really hope to remain so for 9 months.

Once in a Blue Moon

A quick recap:

Pregnancy #1: Negative HPT, AF arrived next day. A little over a week later started OPK's which were positive for 7 days. HPT came up positive. 1 week later heartbeat found in left tube...baby and tube removed.

Pregnancy #2: No AF and negative HPT's. Bloodwork at 16dpo showed beta of 8. Started bleeding 18dpo. Betas doubled for a week and spotting on and off. Confirmed ectopic at 6 weeks. Treated with methotrexate.

Pregnancy #3: Negative HPT, AF arrived 2 days later on time. 2 weeks later, 4 days of positive opk's led to positive HPT. 1st beta 115, 2nd 76, 3rd 111 and continued to fluctuate for a week. Presumed ectopic treated with methotrexate.

IVF: Transferred 1 embryo. FAIL

FET: Transferred 2 embryos. FAIL

That brings us to the present. We decided to try on our own again. First cycle was a fail. 2nd cycle:

Today's is a little darker. It looks like I'm pregnant. Today is 12 or 14 dpo. AF is due tomorrow or is late. Either way, I haven't had any bleeding. I keep checking for it. I keep having heart palpitations when I use the restroom. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I want to believe that this could be it.

Maybe the blue moon was the magic trick. Once in a blue moon a baby makes it to my ute? I'm not yet convinced.

I haven't gone for a beta yet. I plan to go Monday. All I can do is take it day by day at this point.

Wishing I had Ute Goggles

The beginning of a cycle is filled with hope. Nearing the time of ovulation is filled with anxiety of waiting for that glorious EWCM, timing BD'ing just right and waiting for the temp spike that you thought would never happen. The beginning of the 2ww...back to hope. Then you come to the end of your 2ww. The dreaded time of overanalyzing. Are my boobs sore, was that nausea, am I just tired or am I extra tired, what was that twinge...it's enough to make a sane woman cray cray. I'm nearing the end of a 2ww. I'm not really going crazy, I just hate the waiting. I hate that I'm about to say this because I've heard so many woman say it before and I've just rolled my eyes...I wonder if something else is wrong. In the past year, if we had good timing we got pregnant. Well, we had good timing last month and this month. I know this month isn't over, but I'm not really optimistic. So it makes me wonder...maybe the fertilized egg is actually making it down my tube and just not implanting. I just wish I knew what the heck was going on down there.

Have you seen my angels?

Have you seen my angels? I had them only briefly and then they were gone. I miss them so much and wish I could tell them so. If you see them, please tell them I love them and miss them. Their Papa loves them too and wanted so badly to meet them. I wish I could hold them and kiss them. I know they're safe wherever they may be, but I wish they could come visit us for a while. Even just a short while would be ok. Just long enough for me to hug them and kiss them. So I can look at their faces and burn their images into my memory forever. I'm sure they're the most beautiful angels that ever existed. They probably have their Papa's hair, as well as his lips and nose. Maybe they have my eyes and smile. Oh how fun it would be to have a day with our angels. The memories we would make would surpass any of the best memories I have. Everyone would flock to join our special day. Their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins would be so happy to see them. If you see my angels, can you please tell them I've looked everywhere for them? Tell them that I did everything to find them and bring them home? Tell them I love them more than anything in the world? Let them know that we will be rejoined one day? Please, please tell them for me?

Nobody Gets It

I hate when the tears come.  When I think about talking to people IRL about what we've been through I tear up.  My friends and family want to be here for me, but I have NO interest in talking to them about it.  They don't get it, they don't understand.  So yes, if I need to talk they'll listen.  But all that's going to do is make me cry and crying doesn't help...it makes me feel worse, much worse.  And then they look at me like I'm broken and that makes it even worse.  They're not better than me because they have children or had complication free pregnancies.  Their lives aren't better than mine.  They're not more important than me because they have, or will have, offspring.  I very much dislike pity.  I don't need you to pity me.  You can be sensitive to what I've been through, but don't give me your pity...and don't give me that stupid f'n look like I'm the saddest person on earth. 

Life goes on

Life doesn't stop even after 3 ectopics, a failed IVF and failed frozen transfer.  I have no choice but to look towards the future.  We've decided that we would try on our own and hope for a miracle.  So this was our first month back at it.  Of course hubby got sick, then he got injured at work.  We might have salvaged the cycle, but I'm not getting my hopes up. 

I've endulged in a little retail therapy and am continuing to try to check things off my to-do list around the house.  This weekend brought with it a new fancy printer and a Coach bag.  It also involved throwing out stuff, which felt great!  It feels so cleansing to get rid of crap.

Lastly, I've had numerous recruiters contact me over the past couple of weeks.  One called yesterday and seems like he has quite a few career opportunities for me.  He seems to get what I'm looking for and understand my value.  I have a meeting with him tomorrow, so I'm hoping for some good news.  I'm not getting my hopes up, but it would be nice to have something positive happen in our lives.

Nobody told me life would be this hard

As expected, my beta on Wednesday the 11th was negative.  If I really think about it I start to lose it, but if I push it out of my head I can gain my composure and carry on.  Some would say you have to face your feelings and emotions.  I say shove them deep down inside and pretend like they don't exist.  Slap a smile on your face and make the world think that you're happy as can be.  I did this at work on Wednesday.  I'm kind of thankful that my phone didn't actually ring...a voicemail just popped up.  So I listened to it, deleted it, sent my text messages and sucked back the tears.  Work has been busy, so I'm diving head first into it for the distraction...not because I like work.

Hubby is upset that it has failed as well of course.  He won't show his emotions, but when I started to cry the other night, he covered his face and said he can't take it when I'm sad.

While we could make it work to cycle again, I don't feel comfortable doing it right now.  I've been on the IVF journey since February...5 months of planning and building up my hopes and dreams.  Quite a bit of our hard earned money was spent.  It's a hard pill to swallow.  I know people do this 2, 3, 4 or more times paying OOP.  I just don't think it's something that I can do.  So for now, we will go back to trying naturally knowing it's a high risk of an ectopic.

I think what frustrates me the most about my ectopic risk, is that there's no reason for it.  My tube looked healthy and it's open and clear.  Why won't it just work?!  Why does it get stuck?  It just doesn't make any sense.  Most people that have tubal infertility have blocked or scarred tubes or endometriosis.  I have none of that.

Dr. K had said that my tube could start working one day.  That I could get pregnant on our own.  So for now, that's what we'll try.  In the past we've conceived fairly quickly after our losses, so maybe we will conceive quickly again...or maybe it won't be as easy anymore.  I guess time will tell.

The heartbreak and dissappointment that I feel is not an easy thing to deal with.  Knowing that I'm not at a point in my life where I'm running out of time just yet helps.  I'll be turning 31 in a little over 2 months.  I have time before even IVF wouldn't give me much hope.  So off we go...hoping that we get to be the lucky ones.

Why can't it be me?

Why can't I be the one that gets a BFP 6 days after my transfer?  Why can't I be the one that IVF works on the first try?  Why can't I have IF insurance coverage?

I dread going through another IVF cycle.  What do I do from here?  Do I keep trying naturally hoping and praying that one day I will have a successful pregnancy?  Where do I draw the line?

Another 2 Week Wait

The day after my previous post, the ultrasound confirmed that I ovulated!  They gave me my instructions and informed me that the transfer would be on Thursday, 6/28.  Wednesday I started to freak out about the possibility of having nothing to transfer.  I was pretty much convinced that I would get a call cancelling it.  We made it through Wednesday without a call, so that was one step down.  Thursday morning, I stared at my phone waiting for it to ring to tell me my embabies didn't survive.  Hubby wasn't able to come with me to the transfer and I told him that I was scared.  He tried to comfort me by saying they wouldn't make me come in if that happened.  So on my way to the clinic, I tried to believe that.  I was not convinced that they both would have survived though.  I called hubby as I was getting changed and he said that they wouldn't make me get changed if we didn't have anything to transfer.  I again agreed and put on my highly fashionable and sexy hospital gown, booties and hairnet and proceded to my bed.

I was all settled in by about 9:50 am with my full bladder when the nurse told me my scheduled transfer time was 10:45.  Ugh...did I mention my bladder was full?  I know everyone says the full bladder is the worst part of the transfer and it is soooo true.  I felt like I was going to pee on the doctor.  The same thing had happened with the first transfer and I managed to hold it, so I had faith in myself....lol.

I had asked the nurse if she had any info on my embabies and she told me the doctor would get the info from the embryologist and tell me before the transfer.  I had an RE that I'd never met before, so I wasn't sure what to expect.  She came in and was super nice.  She told me that BOTH embabies survived!   I was shocked to say the least and even asked her about 3 times if they're alive and growing.  The 6 cell went from a grade 2 to a 2-3 and the 5 cell remained a grade 3.  Dr. K told me to inform her that I had 3 ectopics so I did and she gave me the sad face.  She said that with my IVF I just got the wrong side of the coin.

They wheel me into the procedure room, I scoot down the bed and they put the pillow under my butt, apply the gel to my belly and do all the lovely stuff to my vajajay.  The embryologist asks me my name and jokes by asking my favorite color while looking at the paper...haha.  The catheter is loaded, inserted and in goes embabies.  The embryologist checked the catheter and we had a sticky little bugger, so he prepared it again and in went the trouble maker.  The embryologist said that's the one that's going to fight me getting into the mini-van.  The nurse said that it had to be a boy.  As we watched the embaby go in, the doctor said it looked like a shooting star, which made me smile.  We all had a laugh and then I was wheeled back to the room where I laid for a few minutes and then headed home.

So, now I hang out in another 2 week wait.  I'm certainly not feeling overly optimistic, but trying to take it day by day.  I'm not sure if I'm considered 3dp a 3dt or 3dp a 4dt, since we transferred on 4dpo and they were thawed late on 3dpo.  Either way, my beta is scheduled for 7/11.  I'm absolutely terrified of testing, but most likely will before the beta because I will get the call while at work. 

Natural FET Cycle Patience

I am trying to be patient as I wait to ovulate so that we can (hopefully) transfer our 2 frozen embabies.  Today is day 20 of my cycle and my ultrasound this morning showed that it hasn't happened yet.  My follicle measured 22mm and seems to be growing at 1/2mm a day and my lining looks awesome at a 12.  The only time I've ovulated this late was after my 1st ectopic and I attributed that to having HCG lingering in my system.  What I hope is good news is that my temp dropped this morning and I tend to get a pre-O temp dip, but sometimes I get it 2 days before ovulation.  So...I wait and wait and wait.  I have another monitoring tomorrow morning and if it hasn't happened by then, I'll continue to go back until it does.  I've heard of wonkly cycles after a failed IVF, so I'm assuming that's why this is happening.

In non-TTC news...we have an opportunity to pack up our lives and move to North Carolina.  My job is opening an office there so I would have my job and they would help us sell our house, move there and buy a new house.  Our money would go a lot farther than it does here.  We are going back and forth in our heads as to whether or not we could actually go.  When I told my mother, she cried and said she would be devestated if I left.  I would hate to leave my family and I don't know if I could do it, but it's a really amazing opportunity and a really nice area in NC.  Hubby flip flops on the idea as well.  Yesterday and today he's ready to pack up the house and head south, but it's different talking about it vs. actually doing it.

So that's the happenings in my life right now.  It's an exciting time with lots of opportunities and potential. 

Why I dislike June...

Last year at this time I was pregnant.  I was joyful and hopeful.  I was excited to start the next chapter of our lives.  Little did I know that the next chapter would be the hardest one of my life thus far.

June 12, 2011 - First BFP
June 19, 2011 - Announced to family that we're expecting
June 21, 2011 - Found our angel in my tube with a heartbeat.  Tube and baby were removed and my world was shattered
June 2, 2012 - The EDD for our 2nd pregnancy
June 4, 2012 - Received the official news that our first IVF failed

Which leads to the next event in June...our FET.  Just more food for my pessimistic brain.