Guilt

I try not to let it get to me, but sometimes I can't help it.  Ectopic pregnancies are unique in the way that the mother is forced to terminate the pregnancy.  I had to end my babies lives.  My first angel's heart was beating before being ripped from my body and life support was cut.  My other two angels were attacked by methotrexate.  What's worse is that by the third termination, it got easier.  My first was traumatic because of how everything unfolded, the wirlwind of events, the rollercoaster of emotions, the surgery and physical healing involved which was nothing compared to the emotional piece.  In a matter of what felt like seconds, my baby and tube were gone.  In the snap we went from planning a new life to trying to figure out how to survive.  My second was different because I knew from the beginning that it wasn't right.  I let myself have a small amount of hope because the doctors said that it appeared to be ok.  When we were diagnosed once again as ectopic and I received the methotrexate it was different because it wasn't an immediate end to our baby's life.  It took time...it was slow.  While I know our baby felt no pain, that didn't change the guilt I had.  My third I felt the most guilt for.  Guilt because it was the "easiest".  I knew from the second the pee stick showed a second line that it wasn't going to end well.  I think I cried the least amount of tears for our third angel.  How could I be so cold?

Yesterday I went to look at the furniture that I had picked online to make sure that I like it.  When I was leaving the store my eyes went to my charms hanging from my mirror for our angels and the somber feeling returned once again.  When I plan for our little girl, when I pick something out for her I'm reminded that I didn't get to do that for her siblings.

I know it's not my fault.  I know I had no choice.  I know I did nothing to cause it.  As a mother, there was nothing I could do to save them.  I will never forget my angels.  I know they're watching over us.  Guiding us and protecting us.  Momma and Papa love you angel babies.