Sunday, April 22, 2012
Anxious and scared
2 weeks from tomorrow I officially start stims. I'm so scared. I've been scared all along, but the excitement was kind of overriding it. This weekend I've spent more than an acceptable amount of time googling what the chances are of having this end in another ectopic. While the chance is significantly less than me trying on my own, it's still higher than for a normal person. I was also trying to find a name for my malfunctioning tubes. Like a disease name...besides just saying my tubes don't work. I have a hard time accepting this even after everything I've been through. But how can they just not work? They are open, they look healthy...WTF?! It's not fair! I hate pity parties, but I guess that's what I'm throwing for myself this weekend. What if this doesn't work? What if I don't stim well? What if my eggs are crap? What if my embies don't make it? What if .....?
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Only 3 more weeks to go!
Three short weeks from Monday I am to start my stims. I can't believe how quickly and yet slowly the time is going. DH still hasn't done his SA. Not because he's being difficult, but because the appointment times aren't accomodating. But if he really wanted to do it, he would make it happen. I know the next 3 weeks will go quickly and I don't need to be waiting until the last minute to get it done. So...I'm frustrated and I knew from the beginning that this would be the hardest part of the IVF checklist.
My update for the week:
I had been trying to get in touch with the billing department at the clinic to get a clear answer on the funds that I need to come up with before starting the cycle. I left two messages last week and nurse Jackie sent an email for them to call me. Finally on Wednesday I received a phonecall...unfortunately I was in a meeting and she was gone by the time I got out. The message she left said that she got my message saying that I wanted to pay for my IVF...ummmm...no. I called her back on Thursday and got through to her. I asked her about single embryo transfer (SET) and ICSI. I am choosing to do SET because I feel like it's too likely that both implant if we put 2 back. The paperwork I have said that I don't have to pay for freezing if I choose SET and since Dr. K said we won't need ICSI (most likely) I wanted to make sure that I only have to pay the IVF fee and the anasthesia. Well, she wasn't sure because she said I was the first person to do a SET. I was shocked to hear this. Am I really the only person that feels it's better to start with one? Either way I feel that it's best for us. She finally called back and said that I don't have to pay for freezing or ICSI! If I wind up needing ICSI, we will be billed for it. This is HUGE! In addition, if this cycle doesn't work and assuming that I have frosties, they offer up to 3 frozen cycles for the price of one for the first year or until I get my take home baby (or use up my frosties). At first I was really excited about this, but it's changed to fear. What if this fails and I have NO frosties?! I try to not be so negative, but I also can't let myself get too excited.
In addition to all of this, I received a letter in the mail yesterday saying that my homocysteine level is slightly higher than they'd like it to be. Normal is less than 10, but they want it less than 7. Mine was 7.8. So I have to start extra folic acid and vitamins B12 and B6. Yay...more pills! I have to ask Jackie if I was tested for MTHFR, but I also want to make sure that I trust my doctor. I don't want to be questioning them, but if I feel that something else needs to be tested, I will inquire.
I am incredibly grateful that things seem to be moving smoothly. The donated meds, the state grant, the options for SET, tests have come back normal. I just hope that it continues to go well. I'm also incredibly grateful for the friends that I've made through this process. I hope and pray that we all get what our hearts desire and we can truly be happy. I'm so tired of hurting and seeing people hurt.
My update for the week:
I had been trying to get in touch with the billing department at the clinic to get a clear answer on the funds that I need to come up with before starting the cycle. I left two messages last week and nurse Jackie sent an email for them to call me. Finally on Wednesday I received a phonecall...unfortunately I was in a meeting and she was gone by the time I got out. The message she left said that she got my message saying that I wanted to pay for my IVF...ummmm...no. I called her back on Thursday and got through to her. I asked her about single embryo transfer (SET) and ICSI. I am choosing to do SET because I feel like it's too likely that both implant if we put 2 back. The paperwork I have said that I don't have to pay for freezing if I choose SET and since Dr. K said we won't need ICSI (most likely) I wanted to make sure that I only have to pay the IVF fee and the anasthesia. Well, she wasn't sure because she said I was the first person to do a SET. I was shocked to hear this. Am I really the only person that feels it's better to start with one? Either way I feel that it's best for us. She finally called back and said that I don't have to pay for freezing or ICSI! If I wind up needing ICSI, we will be billed for it. This is HUGE! In addition, if this cycle doesn't work and assuming that I have frosties, they offer up to 3 frozen cycles for the price of one for the first year or until I get my take home baby (or use up my frosties). At first I was really excited about this, but it's changed to fear. What if this fails and I have NO frosties?! I try to not be so negative, but I also can't let myself get too excited.
In addition to all of this, I received a letter in the mail yesterday saying that my homocysteine level is slightly higher than they'd like it to be. Normal is less than 10, but they want it less than 7. Mine was 7.8. So I have to start extra folic acid and vitamins B12 and B6. Yay...more pills! I have to ask Jackie if I was tested for MTHFR, but I also want to make sure that I trust my doctor. I don't want to be questioning them, but if I feel that something else needs to be tested, I will inquire.
I am incredibly grateful that things seem to be moving smoothly. The donated meds, the state grant, the options for SET, tests have come back normal. I just hope that it continues to go well. I'm also incredibly grateful for the friends that I've made through this process. I hope and pray that we all get what our hearts desire and we can truly be happy. I'm so tired of hurting and seeing people hurt.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Whirlwind of a week
This was a successful and yet crazy week. I am so thankful that it's Friday and we got out of work early. I am now sitting on my couch in complete quiet with just some birds chirping outside and the tapping of my keyboard as I write this.
Monday was the dreaded socialworker meeting. I had this appointment built up in my mind to go so horribly. I convinced myself that she would be prying and trying to push us to our breaking points. That we would leave there hating eachother, cancelling IVF and questioning our future. I have no reason to think this. Hubby and I have a loving, strong and stable relationship. It's not perfect, but pretty darn close. So I was terrified all day on Monday where I was almost sick. In the end....it was fine. She asked us about our infertility history as well as our life history. She had suffered IF and now has three childre, so she was very understanding. She was also a little pushy in that she was insisting that we do something to honor our lost babies. I understand suggesting it, but she kept telling us that we had to. Overall it was a really good experience and I think it changed hubby's tune a little bit. Since then he's been asking questions and been more optimistic and interested.
Tuesday morning I went for bloodwork to confirm I'm not pregnant. This was annoying since I had the test the prior week and have been on BCP's, but I had to do it so I did it. That evening was the orientation. I left with some useful information and a whole bunch of questions which were mostly related to billing. It was weird to be in a room of people all going through the same thing. I wanted to go around the room and ask people what was wrong with them and what protocol they were doing and all the questions I ask to the IVF ladies I talk to. But I guess that's a no-no. In an effort to get my billing questions answered, I called the billing department on Wednesday. I haven't heard back from them and even called again today. I'm getting frustrated. I can get ahold of doctors and nurses, but not billing? Oh well...I'll wait and call again if I don't hear back.
Thursday I had my SHG (water sono). I wasn't too nervous about it until I was getting ready to go in when I had this thought that there has to be something wrong. That's why I've had ectopics! There's something wrong with my uterus makin the embryo float back up my tube desperate to implant. So I was convinced of this. I went in and got set up and they began. I felt pretty much nothing during the procedure until they inflated my uterus fully. I asked some questions while they were doing it as far as if my E2 level of 52.5 was a concern since at orientation they said they want it between 20-50. They confirmed that it's fine. Back to the SHG....at one point she said she sees the endometrium and I say "you see endometriosis?!" she said no, endometrium. Then the magical words....."Looks good!". I was so excited. Nurse Jackie gave me the remainder of my meds as I was leaving. I am still in shock and awe that she was able to gather everything I needed and I haven't paid a dime. I hope one day I can pay forward these wonderful gifts I have received.
So that was my week in IVF land. Hubby was all ready to do his SA today, but it looks like they don't do those appointments until later in the morning and we couldn't go in late today. I was bummed because it would have been great to have ALL the testing done. This is the only item left on my checklist and I have 4 weeks until I start stims!
Monday was the dreaded socialworker meeting. I had this appointment built up in my mind to go so horribly. I convinced myself that she would be prying and trying to push us to our breaking points. That we would leave there hating eachother, cancelling IVF and questioning our future. I have no reason to think this. Hubby and I have a loving, strong and stable relationship. It's not perfect, but pretty darn close. So I was terrified all day on Monday where I was almost sick. In the end....it was fine. She asked us about our infertility history as well as our life history. She had suffered IF and now has three childre, so she was very understanding. She was also a little pushy in that she was insisting that we do something to honor our lost babies. I understand suggesting it, but she kept telling us that we had to. Overall it was a really good experience and I think it changed hubby's tune a little bit. Since then he's been asking questions and been more optimistic and interested.
Tuesday morning I went for bloodwork to confirm I'm not pregnant. This was annoying since I had the test the prior week and have been on BCP's, but I had to do it so I did it. That evening was the orientation. I left with some useful information and a whole bunch of questions which were mostly related to billing. It was weird to be in a room of people all going through the same thing. I wanted to go around the room and ask people what was wrong with them and what protocol they were doing and all the questions I ask to the IVF ladies I talk to. But I guess that's a no-no. In an effort to get my billing questions answered, I called the billing department on Wednesday. I haven't heard back from them and even called again today. I'm getting frustrated. I can get ahold of doctors and nurses, but not billing? Oh well...I'll wait and call again if I don't hear back.
Thursday I had my SHG (water sono). I wasn't too nervous about it until I was getting ready to go in when I had this thought that there has to be something wrong. That's why I've had ectopics! There's something wrong with my uterus makin the embryo float back up my tube desperate to implant. So I was convinced of this. I went in and got set up and they began. I felt pretty much nothing during the procedure until they inflated my uterus fully. I asked some questions while they were doing it as far as if my E2 level of 52.5 was a concern since at orientation they said they want it between 20-50. They confirmed that it's fine. Back to the SHG....at one point she said she sees the endometrium and I say "you see endometriosis?!" she said no, endometrium. Then the magical words....."Looks good!". I was so excited. Nurse Jackie gave me the remainder of my meds as I was leaving. I am still in shock and awe that she was able to gather everything I needed and I haven't paid a dime. I hope one day I can pay forward these wonderful gifts I have received.
So that was my week in IVF land. Hubby was all ready to do his SA today, but it looks like they don't do those appointments until later in the morning and we couldn't go in late today. I was bummed because it would have been great to have ALL the testing done. This is the only item left on my checklist and I have 4 weeks until I start stims!
Friday, March 30, 2012
Things seem to be moving quickly now
Monday was CD1 so I made that awkward call to tell my nurse that I got my period. It's so weird to me that people want to know when I get my period and doing an u/s while bleeding is normal.
Wednesday I went in for CD3 bloodwork to test my FSH and E2 as well as to confirm that I'm not pregnant before starting birth control. I sat down with nurse Jackie and she went over my official calendar, all of my prescriptions and what the next steps were. It's so overwhelming, but I guess I'm going to have to get the hang of it. My calendar has me starting the pill today and going through the end of April. I will start my stims on 5/7 and ER is tentatively 5/18 with ET 5/21. Jackie told me that my RE made a comment that he really likes me because I really know what's going on. She said he never makes comments like that. For me, I figure I'm spending all this time and money on this I should know what I'm getting in to and learn as much as possible. It was nice to get that feedback.
My FSH came back at 8.2 and E2 was 52.3. While they are totally normal numbers (I confirmed this with Jackie today), I was expecting them to be lower. Normal FSH is under 10 and E2 they like to see under 75. So, yes they are normal, but I like to be as far away from 'not normal' as possible.
I started my birth control this morning and they made me nauseous so I will try to take them at night starting tomorrow. I hope I don't have any crazy reactions to any of the medications, both BCP and stims. I started watching Youtube videos of mixing the injections and it seems to be pretty straightfoward, but I'm still having a hard time with the concept of sticking myself with needles. Everyone says that it's not as bad as they thought it would be so here's hoping I say the same!
Next week is a big week. We have a meeting with the social worker on Monday, Tuesday I go for bloodwork in the morning and then orientation at night and then Thursday is the water sonogram. After that we just have to get hubby's SA done and then we're in the clear until stims. I know he's not looking forward to it and I don't blaim him. He knows he will have to provide his stuff the morning of the ER too and hasn't expressed a concern about it, but I'm worried...what if he's not able to perform? I guess I have to have faith and try to relax a bit.
Hubby had a freak out the other night saying that he's not ready to be a father and thought we were taking time off before doing this. Apparently we both have completely different memories of our initial IVF conversation. I had suggested taking time off and he said that we should just go for it. Somehow, he doesn't remember saying this. Well after a long conversation and a whole bunch of tears, he's on board. I know he still questions everything and is scared, but so am I. In the end I know it's what I want and I know it will work, but it's terrifying.
Wednesday I went in for CD3 bloodwork to test my FSH and E2 as well as to confirm that I'm not pregnant before starting birth control. I sat down with nurse Jackie and she went over my official calendar, all of my prescriptions and what the next steps were. It's so overwhelming, but I guess I'm going to have to get the hang of it. My calendar has me starting the pill today and going through the end of April. I will start my stims on 5/7 and ER is tentatively 5/18 with ET 5/21. Jackie told me that my RE made a comment that he really likes me because I really know what's going on. She said he never makes comments like that. For me, I figure I'm spending all this time and money on this I should know what I'm getting in to and learn as much as possible. It was nice to get that feedback.
My FSH came back at 8.2 and E2 was 52.3. While they are totally normal numbers (I confirmed this with Jackie today), I was expecting them to be lower. Normal FSH is under 10 and E2 they like to see under 75. So, yes they are normal, but I like to be as far away from 'not normal' as possible.
I started my birth control this morning and they made me nauseous so I will try to take them at night starting tomorrow. I hope I don't have any crazy reactions to any of the medications, both BCP and stims. I started watching Youtube videos of mixing the injections and it seems to be pretty straightfoward, but I'm still having a hard time with the concept of sticking myself with needles. Everyone says that it's not as bad as they thought it would be so here's hoping I say the same!
Next week is a big week. We have a meeting with the social worker on Monday, Tuesday I go for bloodwork in the morning and then orientation at night and then Thursday is the water sonogram. After that we just have to get hubby's SA done and then we're in the clear until stims. I know he's not looking forward to it and I don't blaim him. He knows he will have to provide his stuff the morning of the ER too and hasn't expressed a concern about it, but I'm worried...what if he's not able to perform? I guess I have to have faith and try to relax a bit.
Hubby had a freak out the other night saying that he's not ready to be a father and thought we were taking time off before doing this. Apparently we both have completely different memories of our initial IVF conversation. I had suggested taking time off and he said that we should just go for it. Somehow, he doesn't remember saying this. Well after a long conversation and a whole bunch of tears, he's on board. I know he still questions everything and is scared, but so am I. In the end I know it's what I want and I know it will work, but it's terrifying.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Hoping Dreams Come True
I had a dream last night that I was pregnant. I remember seeing my little peanut on an ultrasound and knowing that it had a heartbeat and, more importantly, was in the right spot! I was trying to find the heartbeat on a doppler, but it wasn't working. I wasn't shaken by this because I knew it was too early. This dream really put a smile on my face...let's hope it comes true!
I'm trying greatly to keep my expectations in-check for this whole IVF process. I know that so many things can go wrong, but I'm also trying not to focus too much on these things. I need to keep my mind somewhere in between being convinced it will work and being convinced it will fail. I don't know what that middle is other than alternating days between the two.
AF should be here tomorrow. That means that I will go in for my CD3 bloodwork, start BCP's and get my official IVF calendar. I think things will go really quickly after that. I have orientation on 4/3 and we have to schedule an appointment with a socialworker. Hubby also needs to get his bloodwork, which he has an appointment on Monday, and get a SA. He's not looking forward to that, and I don't blaim him. This whole thing is just awkward and I can't wait for people to stop poking at my Hoo-Haa and I will not miss getting poked with needles constantly either. I feel like I have track marks on my arms. This better all be worth it!
I'm trying greatly to keep my expectations in-check for this whole IVF process. I know that so many things can go wrong, but I'm also trying not to focus too much on these things. I need to keep my mind somewhere in between being convinced it will work and being convinced it will fail. I don't know what that middle is other than alternating days between the two.
AF should be here tomorrow. That means that I will go in for my CD3 bloodwork, start BCP's and get my official IVF calendar. I think things will go really quickly after that. I have orientation on 4/3 and we have to schedule an appointment with a socialworker. Hubby also needs to get his bloodwork, which he has an appointment on Monday, and get a SA. He's not looking forward to that, and I don't blaim him. This whole thing is just awkward and I can't wait for people to stop poking at my Hoo-Haa and I will not miss getting poked with needles constantly either. I feel like I have track marks on my arms. This better all be worth it!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Spring is here
Even though it's not officially Spring and the calendar is still on March, it's about 60 degrees outside so I jumped right into my garden. Gardening is one of the things that I most looked forward to about having a home. I love flowers (hence my blog name) and growing them myself makes me appreciate them even more. I guess that's how I look at children too. I can imagine how much I will love that child that I grew myself.
When we purchased our home there were massive amounts of massive bushes. Before moving in hubby cut down a few big ones in front which gave me some space to start my garden. The first Summer, I cut down the giant bushes lining our patio (about 10 overgrown evergreen bushes) along with some smaller ones remaining in the front. Last Spring I cut down the bushes on the side of my house, there were about 4, which were all almost as tall as me and just ridiculously overgrown. Overgrown shrubbery was not what attracted me to the house, but seemed to be the theme of our landscaping. So yesterday I cut down the remaining massive bushes in front of the house and today I dug up 4 of the 7 rootballs. I have no energy left for the remaining 3, so they can wait until next weekend. I'm so proud of the work I've done as well as the garden that I've created with the space from the bushes and after this weekends work, I have a ton of more space to fill in with beautiful flowers.
So of course my thoughts go to my TTC journey and I realize it's a good thing I get the rough work out of the way now since come May I will be KTFU and won't be able to do this kind of hard labor. Yep, that's positive thinking right there! Hopefully after my IVF, the only hard labor will be in the hospital delivering my LO in February. Which I hope that isn't too too hard.
When we purchased our home there were massive amounts of massive bushes. Before moving in hubby cut down a few big ones in front which gave me some space to start my garden. The first Summer, I cut down the giant bushes lining our patio (about 10 overgrown evergreen bushes) along with some smaller ones remaining in the front. Last Spring I cut down the bushes on the side of my house, there were about 4, which were all almost as tall as me and just ridiculously overgrown. Overgrown shrubbery was not what attracted me to the house, but seemed to be the theme of our landscaping. So yesterday I cut down the remaining massive bushes in front of the house and today I dug up 4 of the 7 rootballs. I have no energy left for the remaining 3, so they can wait until next weekend. I'm so proud of the work I've done as well as the garden that I've created with the space from the bushes and after this weekends work, I have a ton of more space to fill in with beautiful flowers.
So of course my thoughts go to my TTC journey and I realize it's a good thing I get the rough work out of the way now since come May I will be KTFU and won't be able to do this kind of hard labor. Yep, that's positive thinking right there! Hopefully after my IVF, the only hard labor will be in the hospital delivering my LO in February. Which I hope that isn't too too hard.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Looks like I'm starting a blog!
I've started this blog mostly to serve as an outlet for me to get my feelings out about our trying to conceive journey. This being my first post, it will probably be a long one.
I will start with my background. I met my husband when I was 18 and he was 22. We were young and he liked to party and hang out with his friends. We had a rough start as I was competing for his time and attention. Our relationship slowly evolved and we became a strong and loving couple that made many envious. After graduating college in 2003, I started my career as an accountant and he continued his work as a plumber. We were engaged in 2005 and married in 2007. I was 25 when we got married and my husband was 29. We were never focused on having children. I could take it or leave it and he wasn't sure if he would ever want them. As the years passed, my mommy itch started acting up. I had time, and said that I wanted to have a child by the time I was 30. As 30 crept closer, I changed it that I wanted to be pregnant by the time I was 30. People all around me started having children and that started to really make me start thinking about babies. At the time we were living in a one bedroom basement apartment. The next step for me was to buy a house, which we did in 2009. This was a major change...big responsibility. But we did it and we had our first home. So we are settled into our 4 bedroom house. I have 3 empty bedrooms just aching to be filled and yet alas, they continue to be empty.
November of 2010 my period was late and I thought for sure I was pregnant. I told my friend and she encouraged me to purchase an HPT, she even came with to the store for support. I walked into my house with the bag in my hand and told my husband that I'm late. I took the test and it was negative. I was heartbroken, but it made us start to think more seriously about baby making. In May 2011, I was late again. I told my husband and then got my period the next day. He sent me a text message saying that he thought about it and we should start trying harder. I was so excited that he really wanted to try...like really try! So off to the store I went to get ovulation tests and pregnancy tests...all digitals...afterall I didn't want to have to play around with lines. I took my first OPK on Monday June 6th and got smiley face right away (positive). I was shocked and told my husband. Over the next couple of days I had some spotting, which I never had in the middle of my cycle. But that was easily explained based on Dr. Google, you can have ovulation spotting and that means you're super fertile. I continued to test and every day I kept getting a smiley face until I used up the 7 tests that came in the pack. I purchased some line tests thinking that maybe the digitals were wrong, but those were positive as well. After looking online I found that an OPK can be positive for a pregnancy so on Saturday, June12th I decided to take an HPT only to get that thought out of my head. Well, the digital popped up pregnant right away. I was so nervous and when my husband came home I told him and started crying. He said not to cry...this is what we were trying for, but he just kinda plopped on the couch and didn't show much of a reaction. He was in shock as was I. I tested again later that day and the following morning and then called my doctor. We started to get excited about having a baby. I did think it was early to get a positive test since the earliest we could have conceived was 6 or 7 days prior. So I told hubby that it could be from last month. I went to the doctor and told her that I got postive HPT's, but had a period only a little over two weeks ago and had some spotting which had subsided. She said that many people have bleeding in early pregnancy and not to be concerned. I went for bloodwork and an ultrasound which showed nothing, but the bloodwork confirmed I was pregnant! My HCG was at 4,553. Repeat HCG showed normal doubling, but ultrasound still showed nothing. After another blood draw, I was put on progesterone suppositories as my progesterone dropped a little. They said they were concerned about not seeing anything on the ultrasound and my low progesterone, but I just thought they were overreacting. That Sunday was Father's day and we told everyone that we were expecting. My mom cried and everyone was excited. Monday I had more bloodwork done and went in for another ultrasound. My HCG was just under 15000 and the ultrasound showed nothing. I was sent to a high risk doctor and my husband showed up just as they started the ultrasound. So she starts and I see her marking things such as ovary, uterus and then she puts 'YS' and I think yolk sac? She turns on the sound and we hear "swoosh swoosh swoosh swoosh". Then she stops and asks if the doctor explained why I was here. I said that I'm there because they didn't see anything on the ultrasound and she asked if the doctor explained what that meant. I replied that it could be ectopic and she looks at me with a sad face and shakes her head. Me: You found the baby, Her: shakes head yes, Me: It's in my tube, Her:shakes head yes. The doctor comes in and tells me that they have to do an internal ultrasound to confirm the findings. After that she says they confirmed the baby is in my tube and due to the size and the fact that it has a heartbeat, I need emergency surgery and I need to stop moving as I could rupture at any moment. I am hysterical crying so much so that she was trying to get me to stop because I was shaking too much. So I had surgery and my left tube was removed. I was out of work for almost two weeks to heal physically and emotionally, but the emotional healing never really came. While out of work, my friend came by and after talking she disclosed that she was pregnant and we were only 3 days apart. She had her 7 week ultrasound which showed a healthy heartbeat. I of course lost it, but held it together until she left. My doctor says that I now have an increased risk of ectopic and should hold off for a cycle or two before trying again.
September rolls around and I've gone full force with baby making protocol. I take my temperature every morning, pee on sticks or in cups, I have become more familiar with my body then I ever thought I would have. Based on all the information, I knew that I was late for my period, but I had negative tests. Finally I called my doctor and he said to come in. I was sent for bloodwork and it showed my HCG was at 8. This is considered pregnant, so I was to continue with repeat bloodwork. We found this out on my 30th birthday. I thought there was no possible way that this could go wrong. It had to be meant to be. Afterall, this baby was most likely conceived on our anniversary and I found out I was pregnant on my 30th birthday! I started spotting the next day which turned into regular bleed the day after that. I thought it was a chemical pregnancy, but my beta continued to double and my progesterone continued to increase. I thought that maybe it would all work out, but as soon as the bleeding stopped, it would start again in the form of spotting. The doctors were convinced this was a normal pregnancy based on my betas. The bleeding became a little heavier one day so I called the doctor and they said to go to the emergency room. It was almost a week from my last beta which was 362 and when they told me my beta in the hospital was only 875 and they saw a mass by my ovary we knew it was over. They said the mass could be a corpus leutem cyst and I remained hopeful. They made me stay in the hospital (trust me I tried and tried to go home) and in the morning we did more bloodwork and another ultrasound. My beta remained exactly the same and I was sent to the high risk doctor again. They once again confirmed an ectopic and recommended being treated medically with methotrexate (a form of chemotherapy). Again, they wouldn't let me go home. My husband, mom and friend were at the hospital with me to hold my hand and comfort me. I couldn't believe it was happening again. Because of the methotrexate I was put on a mandatory 12 week wait to try again and my doctor and the high risk doctor said that I should persue IVF as I am now at a 30% chance of another ectopic.
In December I made an appointment with an RE. We discussed my history and he said that he recommended doing an HSG to see if my tube was open or not and that it was up to us if we wanted to try again naturally. I did research and in many cases people get pregnant after the HSG because the test dilates the tube. My husband was convinced that it was going to fix me and everything would be fine. On January 4th the test showed my tube was open! My RE said to call him if I wasn't pregnant in 6 months and to call immediately if I become pregnant.
January 21st my mom called to tell me that my grandmother passed away. This was the last living grandparent in mine and my husband's families. I had taken a pregnancy test that morning and it was negative and I didn't feel like testing until after the funeral because if it was negative I would be upset and if it was positive I didn't want to be happy when I was grieving. January 24th we buried my loving grandmother...may she rest in peace. After the funeral I noticed I was spotting. We went for a walk and when we got home I had a full blown period. I cried and cried and cried. What a horrible day it was. My husband apologized for our bad timing and tried very hard to cheer me up.
So we moved on to another cycle and I started OPK's when I returned from a work trip. After 4 days of positives I was getting nervous about a repeat ectopic, but my temperatures didn't indicate a pregnancy so I didn't believe it. When I was urged to take a test by a friend, I did and it was positive. I told my husband that it had to be ectopic. The line was light and I had a regular period. I would have been 6 weeks, so the test line should have been super dark. I went to the RE the next day and they drew blood and did an ultrasound which they didn't see anything. I was so hopeful that I would go in and see a baby on the monitor. My HCG came back at 115...nowhere near what a 6 week HCG should be. We repeated it the next day and it was at 76 so we thought my body was doing the right thing for once. We also thought that it could have been in my uterus and was a miscarriage. Not that this would be better per se, but the fact of it making it to my uterus would have been HUGE. Another repeat beta came back around 100 and my level was fluctuating around there for the next few days. They wanted me to get the methotrexate, but I was pushing them off for as long as possible hoping that it would dissipate on it's own. It didn't so I was treated with the methotrexate on February 16th (the anniversary of my grandfather's passing).
So now we are moving on to IVF. It's sort of funny, we once had a conversation that we would never do IVF. If we weren't meant to have kids, then we would live child-free. Well, I guess things have changed a bit because I have two boxes of hormones and needles in my fridge. I'm nervous on so many levels. I'm scared of my husband deciding he doesn't want to do it. I'm afraid of shooting myself up with needles and becoming a raging hormonal beotch. I'm absolutely terrified of this not working, being out a lot of money and have nothing to show for it. I'm even scared of it working and then being a bad mom or it being too much on our marriage.
Well that's my looooong story in a not so summarized version. I plan to use this blog to document my IVF journey and hope that it will help me get my feelings out and deal with them.
I will start with my background. I met my husband when I was 18 and he was 22. We were young and he liked to party and hang out with his friends. We had a rough start as I was competing for his time and attention. Our relationship slowly evolved and we became a strong and loving couple that made many envious. After graduating college in 2003, I started my career as an accountant and he continued his work as a plumber. We were engaged in 2005 and married in 2007. I was 25 when we got married and my husband was 29. We were never focused on having children. I could take it or leave it and he wasn't sure if he would ever want them. As the years passed, my mommy itch started acting up. I had time, and said that I wanted to have a child by the time I was 30. As 30 crept closer, I changed it that I wanted to be pregnant by the time I was 30. People all around me started having children and that started to really make me start thinking about babies. At the time we were living in a one bedroom basement apartment. The next step for me was to buy a house, which we did in 2009. This was a major change...big responsibility. But we did it and we had our first home. So we are settled into our 4 bedroom house. I have 3 empty bedrooms just aching to be filled and yet alas, they continue to be empty.
November of 2010 my period was late and I thought for sure I was pregnant. I told my friend and she encouraged me to purchase an HPT, she even came with to the store for support. I walked into my house with the bag in my hand and told my husband that I'm late. I took the test and it was negative. I was heartbroken, but it made us start to think more seriously about baby making. In May 2011, I was late again. I told my husband and then got my period the next day. He sent me a text message saying that he thought about it and we should start trying harder. I was so excited that he really wanted to try...like really try! So off to the store I went to get ovulation tests and pregnancy tests...all digitals...afterall I didn't want to have to play around with lines. I took my first OPK on Monday June 6th and got smiley face right away (positive). I was shocked and told my husband. Over the next couple of days I had some spotting, which I never had in the middle of my cycle. But that was easily explained based on Dr. Google, you can have ovulation spotting and that means you're super fertile. I continued to test and every day I kept getting a smiley face until I used up the 7 tests that came in the pack. I purchased some line tests thinking that maybe the digitals were wrong, but those were positive as well. After looking online I found that an OPK can be positive for a pregnancy so on Saturday, June12th I decided to take an HPT only to get that thought out of my head. Well, the digital popped up pregnant right away. I was so nervous and when my husband came home I told him and started crying. He said not to cry...this is what we were trying for, but he just kinda plopped on the couch and didn't show much of a reaction. He was in shock as was I. I tested again later that day and the following morning and then called my doctor. We started to get excited about having a baby. I did think it was early to get a positive test since the earliest we could have conceived was 6 or 7 days prior. So I told hubby that it could be from last month. I went to the doctor and told her that I got postive HPT's, but had a period only a little over two weeks ago and had some spotting which had subsided. She said that many people have bleeding in early pregnancy and not to be concerned. I went for bloodwork and an ultrasound which showed nothing, but the bloodwork confirmed I was pregnant! My HCG was at 4,553. Repeat HCG showed normal doubling, but ultrasound still showed nothing. After another blood draw, I was put on progesterone suppositories as my progesterone dropped a little. They said they were concerned about not seeing anything on the ultrasound and my low progesterone, but I just thought they were overreacting. That Sunday was Father's day and we told everyone that we were expecting. My mom cried and everyone was excited. Monday I had more bloodwork done and went in for another ultrasound. My HCG was just under 15000 and the ultrasound showed nothing. I was sent to a high risk doctor and my husband showed up just as they started the ultrasound. So she starts and I see her marking things such as ovary, uterus and then she puts 'YS' and I think yolk sac? She turns on the sound and we hear "swoosh swoosh swoosh swoosh". Then she stops and asks if the doctor explained why I was here. I said that I'm there because they didn't see anything on the ultrasound and she asked if the doctor explained what that meant. I replied that it could be ectopic and she looks at me with a sad face and shakes her head. Me: You found the baby, Her: shakes head yes, Me: It's in my tube, Her:shakes head yes. The doctor comes in and tells me that they have to do an internal ultrasound to confirm the findings. After that she says they confirmed the baby is in my tube and due to the size and the fact that it has a heartbeat, I need emergency surgery and I need to stop moving as I could rupture at any moment. I am hysterical crying so much so that she was trying to get me to stop because I was shaking too much. So I had surgery and my left tube was removed. I was out of work for almost two weeks to heal physically and emotionally, but the emotional healing never really came. While out of work, my friend came by and after talking she disclosed that she was pregnant and we were only 3 days apart. She had her 7 week ultrasound which showed a healthy heartbeat. I of course lost it, but held it together until she left. My doctor says that I now have an increased risk of ectopic and should hold off for a cycle or two before trying again.
September rolls around and I've gone full force with baby making protocol. I take my temperature every morning, pee on sticks or in cups, I have become more familiar with my body then I ever thought I would have. Based on all the information, I knew that I was late for my period, but I had negative tests. Finally I called my doctor and he said to come in. I was sent for bloodwork and it showed my HCG was at 8. This is considered pregnant, so I was to continue with repeat bloodwork. We found this out on my 30th birthday. I thought there was no possible way that this could go wrong. It had to be meant to be. Afterall, this baby was most likely conceived on our anniversary and I found out I was pregnant on my 30th birthday! I started spotting the next day which turned into regular bleed the day after that. I thought it was a chemical pregnancy, but my beta continued to double and my progesterone continued to increase. I thought that maybe it would all work out, but as soon as the bleeding stopped, it would start again in the form of spotting. The doctors were convinced this was a normal pregnancy based on my betas. The bleeding became a little heavier one day so I called the doctor and they said to go to the emergency room. It was almost a week from my last beta which was 362 and when they told me my beta in the hospital was only 875 and they saw a mass by my ovary we knew it was over. They said the mass could be a corpus leutem cyst and I remained hopeful. They made me stay in the hospital (trust me I tried and tried to go home) and in the morning we did more bloodwork and another ultrasound. My beta remained exactly the same and I was sent to the high risk doctor again. They once again confirmed an ectopic and recommended being treated medically with methotrexate (a form of chemotherapy). Again, they wouldn't let me go home. My husband, mom and friend were at the hospital with me to hold my hand and comfort me. I couldn't believe it was happening again. Because of the methotrexate I was put on a mandatory 12 week wait to try again and my doctor and the high risk doctor said that I should persue IVF as I am now at a 30% chance of another ectopic.
In December I made an appointment with an RE. We discussed my history and he said that he recommended doing an HSG to see if my tube was open or not and that it was up to us if we wanted to try again naturally. I did research and in many cases people get pregnant after the HSG because the test dilates the tube. My husband was convinced that it was going to fix me and everything would be fine. On January 4th the test showed my tube was open! My RE said to call him if I wasn't pregnant in 6 months and to call immediately if I become pregnant.
January 21st my mom called to tell me that my grandmother passed away. This was the last living grandparent in mine and my husband's families. I had taken a pregnancy test that morning and it was negative and I didn't feel like testing until after the funeral because if it was negative I would be upset and if it was positive I didn't want to be happy when I was grieving. January 24th we buried my loving grandmother...may she rest in peace. After the funeral I noticed I was spotting. We went for a walk and when we got home I had a full blown period. I cried and cried and cried. What a horrible day it was. My husband apologized for our bad timing and tried very hard to cheer me up.
So we moved on to another cycle and I started OPK's when I returned from a work trip. After 4 days of positives I was getting nervous about a repeat ectopic, but my temperatures didn't indicate a pregnancy so I didn't believe it. When I was urged to take a test by a friend, I did and it was positive. I told my husband that it had to be ectopic. The line was light and I had a regular period. I would have been 6 weeks, so the test line should have been super dark. I went to the RE the next day and they drew blood and did an ultrasound which they didn't see anything. I was so hopeful that I would go in and see a baby on the monitor. My HCG came back at 115...nowhere near what a 6 week HCG should be. We repeated it the next day and it was at 76 so we thought my body was doing the right thing for once. We also thought that it could have been in my uterus and was a miscarriage. Not that this would be better per se, but the fact of it making it to my uterus would have been HUGE. Another repeat beta came back around 100 and my level was fluctuating around there for the next few days. They wanted me to get the methotrexate, but I was pushing them off for as long as possible hoping that it would dissipate on it's own. It didn't so I was treated with the methotrexate on February 16th (the anniversary of my grandfather's passing).
So now we are moving on to IVF. It's sort of funny, we once had a conversation that we would never do IVF. If we weren't meant to have kids, then we would live child-free. Well, I guess things have changed a bit because I have two boxes of hormones and needles in my fridge. I'm nervous on so many levels. I'm scared of my husband deciding he doesn't want to do it. I'm afraid of shooting myself up with needles and becoming a raging hormonal beotch. I'm absolutely terrified of this not working, being out a lot of money and have nothing to show for it. I'm even scared of it working and then being a bad mom or it being too much on our marriage.
Well that's my looooong story in a not so summarized version. I plan to use this blog to document my IVF journey and hope that it will help me get my feelings out and deal with them.
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