The day after my previous post, the ultrasound confirmed that I ovulated! They gave me my instructions and informed me that the transfer would be on Thursday, 6/28. Wednesday I started to freak out about the possibility of having nothing to transfer. I was pretty much convinced that I would get a call cancelling it. We made it through Wednesday without a call, so that was one step down. Thursday morning, I stared at my phone waiting for it to ring to tell me my embabies didn't survive. Hubby wasn't able to come with me to the transfer and I told him that I was scared. He tried to comfort me by saying they wouldn't make me come in if that happened. So on my way to the clinic, I tried to believe that. I was not convinced that they both would have survived though. I called hubby as I was getting changed and he said that they wouldn't make me get changed if we didn't have anything to transfer. I again agreed and put on my highly fashionable and sexy hospital gown, booties and hairnet and proceded to my bed.
I was all settled in by about 9:50 am with my full bladder when the nurse told me my scheduled transfer time was 10:45. Ugh...did I mention my bladder was full? I know everyone says the full bladder is the worst part of the transfer and it is soooo true. I felt like I was going to pee on the doctor. The same thing had happened with the first transfer and I managed to hold it, so I had faith in myself....lol.
I had asked the nurse if she had any info on my embabies and she told me the doctor would get the info from the embryologist and tell me before the transfer. I had an RE that I'd never met before, so I wasn't sure what to expect. She came in and was super nice. She told me that BOTH embabies survived! I was shocked to say the least and even asked her about 3 times if they're alive and growing. The 6 cell went from a grade 2 to a 2-3 and the 5 cell remained a grade 3. Dr. K told me to inform her that I had 3 ectopics so I did and she gave me the sad face. She said that with my IVF I just got the wrong side of the coin.
They wheel me into the procedure room, I scoot down the bed and they put the pillow under my butt, apply the gel to my belly and do all the lovely stuff to my vajajay. The embryologist asks me my name and jokes by asking my favorite color while looking at the paper...haha. The catheter is loaded, inserted and in goes embabies. The embryologist checked the catheter and we had a sticky little bugger, so he prepared it again and in went the trouble maker. The embryologist said that's the one that's going to fight me getting into the mini-van. The nurse said that it had to be a boy. As we watched the embaby go in, the doctor said it looked like a shooting star, which made me smile. We all had a laugh and then I was wheeled back to the room where I laid for a few minutes and then headed home.
So, now I hang out in another 2 week wait. I'm certainly not feeling overly optimistic, but trying to take it day by day. I'm not sure if I'm considered 3dp a 3dt or 3dp a 4dt, since we transferred on 4dpo and they were thawed late on 3dpo. Either way, my beta is scheduled for 7/11. I'm absolutely terrified of testing, but most likely will before the beta because I will get the call while at work.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Natural FET Cycle Patience
I am trying to be patient as I wait to ovulate so that we can (hopefully) transfer our 2 frozen embabies. Today is day 20 of my cycle and my ultrasound this morning showed that it hasn't happened yet. My follicle measured 22mm and seems to be growing at 1/2mm a day and my lining looks awesome at a 12. The only time I've ovulated this late was after my 1st ectopic and I attributed that to having HCG lingering in my system. What I hope is good news is that my temp dropped this morning and I tend to get a pre-O temp dip, but sometimes I get it 2 days before ovulation. So...I wait and wait and wait. I have another monitoring tomorrow morning and if it hasn't happened by then, I'll continue to go back until it does. I've heard of wonkly cycles after a failed IVF, so I'm assuming that's why this is happening.
In non-TTC news...we have an opportunity to pack up our lives and move to North Carolina. My job is opening an office there so I would have my job and they would help us sell our house, move there and buy a new house. Our money would go a lot farther than it does here. We are going back and forth in our heads as to whether or not we could actually go. When I told my mother, she cried and said she would be devestated if I left. I would hate to leave my family and I don't know if I could do it, but it's a really amazing opportunity and a really nice area in NC. Hubby flip flops on the idea as well. Yesterday and today he's ready to pack up the house and head south, but it's different talking about it vs. actually doing it.
So that's the happenings in my life right now. It's an exciting time with lots of opportunities and potential.
In non-TTC news...we have an opportunity to pack up our lives and move to North Carolina. My job is opening an office there so I would have my job and they would help us sell our house, move there and buy a new house. Our money would go a lot farther than it does here. We are going back and forth in our heads as to whether or not we could actually go. When I told my mother, she cried and said she would be devestated if I left. I would hate to leave my family and I don't know if I could do it, but it's a really amazing opportunity and a really nice area in NC. Hubby flip flops on the idea as well. Yesterday and today he's ready to pack up the house and head south, but it's different talking about it vs. actually doing it.
So that's the happenings in my life right now. It's an exciting time with lots of opportunities and potential.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Why I dislike June...
Last year at this time I was pregnant. I was joyful and hopeful. I was excited to start the next chapter of our lives. Little did I know that the next chapter would be the hardest one of my life thus far.
June 12, 2011 - First BFP
June 19, 2011 - Announced to family that we're expecting
June 21, 2011 - Found our angel in my tube with a heartbeat. Tube and baby were removed and my world was shattered
June 2, 2012 - The EDD for our 2nd pregnancy
June 4, 2012 - Received the official news that our first IVF failed
Which leads to the next event in June...our FET. Just more food for my pessimistic brain.
June 12, 2011 - First BFP
June 19, 2011 - Announced to family that we're expecting
June 21, 2011 - Found our angel in my tube with a heartbeat. Tube and baby were removed and my world was shattered
June 2, 2012 - The EDD for our 2nd pregnancy
June 4, 2012 - Received the official news that our first IVF failed
Which leads to the next event in June...our FET. Just more food for my pessimistic brain.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Moving Forward
As expected, on Monday I received the call from Dr. K that my beta was negative. I only got slightly teary as I knew it was coming. I of course had the slightest bit of hope that I would be that miraculous positive beta with negative HPT's that I had been googling for days, but in my heart I knew it wouldn't come to fruition. Doc said to make an appointment with him to discuss our frozen embies and whether we will transfer 1 or 2. I called hubby and he was bummed to say the least. He too was hoping that the test would be positive despite the negative tests at home. As always, he reassured me that it will happen...that we will get our baby. His optimism scares me. I'm more of a realist...I know there's a definite possibility that it might not happen. I think if we had the means to keep doing IVF until we got our take home baby, I would feel confident...but we don't. I refuse to break the bank or go into debt to do this and it makes me so mad that this is where we're at. Some people say that no matter how much debt you go into it will be worth it. To do everything possible, but I don't feel comfortable with that.
So we're moving foward. We have an appointment with Dr K on Monday to discuss a FET. I imagine it might be too late to do it this month and therefor will most likely do it in July. We've discussed putting both in and I feel fairly comfortable with this since one of our two frozen embies aren't of the best quality and because frozen transfers have an even lower chance of working. In addition, we don't know if they will survive being thawed. For all I know, we could be all set to trasnfer and my little embies could flop. If this transfer doesn't bring me a baby, we will figure out when we can do another round. Maybe in a year, maybe less, maybe never.
I've used the term "I'm numb" in the past, but I don't think I truly knew what that felt like until now. Now...I'm numb. I feel next to nothing. I don't feel pain, I don't feel hope, I don't cry, I fake a smile. I'm not sure how long I will feel like this. Everyone around me is pregnant or has 1, 2 or 3 children. I've been left behind. I'm broken. I'm defective.
So we're moving foward. We have an appointment with Dr K on Monday to discuss a FET. I imagine it might be too late to do it this month and therefor will most likely do it in July. We've discussed putting both in and I feel fairly comfortable with this since one of our two frozen embies aren't of the best quality and because frozen transfers have an even lower chance of working. In addition, we don't know if they will survive being thawed. For all I know, we could be all set to trasnfer and my little embies could flop. If this transfer doesn't bring me a baby, we will figure out when we can do another round. Maybe in a year, maybe less, maybe never.
I've used the term "I'm numb" in the past, but I don't think I truly knew what that felt like until now. Now...I'm numb. I feel next to nothing. I don't feel pain, I don't feel hope, I don't cry, I fake a smile. I'm not sure how long I will feel like this. Everyone around me is pregnant or has 1, 2 or 3 children. I've been left behind. I'm broken. I'm defective.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
My Life's Plan
I once had a well laid plan for my life. Included in that plan was children. About 8 or 9 years ago I attended a charity event where there was a psychic medium. This medium told me how I would have 3 children. I would have a boy, then a girl and then another boy. I always believed this. I always thought this WOULD happen. It's not that I full heartedly believe in psychics, but I believed this one. This journey has squashed this dream and my plan.
The day after my last entry, I received a call that I would be doing a trasnfer the next day. This means it would be a day 3 trasfer (3dt). I later found out that of the 5 fertilized eggs, there were only 4 remaining. I cried when I received this phone call. From the beginning, I thought I would have a lot of eggs, have a 5dt and have a lot of frosties. We went to the clinic for transfer and found out that we had 3 remaining and 2 had been frozen. I was shocked...first I didn't realize they would freeze on day 3 and second due to the poor and declining numbers, I wasn't expecting any to be frozen. So we trasnsferred one and we were very hopeful.
I tested out the HCG trigger shot and thought it was out by day 5 after transfer. On day 6, I took a test and got a faint line! I was ecstatic. I couldn't believe it worked. I was so anxious to get up the next morning and see a darker line. I had 2 dreams that I got my positive HPT. I went and took a test when I woke up.....no second line...NONE. I thought to myself that it was early and my levels could fluctuate. By the next morning it would surely be positive. Yet the next day brought another stark white test. 2 days later...the same. It's looking like it didn't work. There's always the slightest chance that I will get a positive beta on Monday, but I feel foolish for even considering it a possibility.
I feel blessed to have the frozen embies, but the financial burden is a lot and the emotional burden is unbearable. At this point, I just want to get my beta done so that I can stop the progesterone and get AF since continuing the meds feels like a mind f*ck.
Today is the EDD for our second pregnancy. The pregnancy that I thought was meant to be and could not go wrong. I'm not one to get overly emotional about EDD's. The month of June is a hard one though and is only getting harder. Let's review the dates....6/2 EDD, 6/4 will be my BFN beta, 6/12 was when we got our very first BFP last year, 6/21 was the day we found our babies heartbeat in my tube and had emergency surgery. Yea...that's a whole bunch of suckiness.
So now I question my life's plan. What will come of it? Will we have even 1 child? How will I handle this? Will I let it ruin me? Will it ruin my friendships? Could it hurt my marriage?
The day after my last entry, I received a call that I would be doing a trasnfer the next day. This means it would be a day 3 trasfer (3dt). I later found out that of the 5 fertilized eggs, there were only 4 remaining. I cried when I received this phone call. From the beginning, I thought I would have a lot of eggs, have a 5dt and have a lot of frosties. We went to the clinic for transfer and found out that we had 3 remaining and 2 had been frozen. I was shocked...first I didn't realize they would freeze on day 3 and second due to the poor and declining numbers, I wasn't expecting any to be frozen. So we trasnsferred one and we were very hopeful.
I tested out the HCG trigger shot and thought it was out by day 5 after transfer. On day 6, I took a test and got a faint line! I was ecstatic. I couldn't believe it worked. I was so anxious to get up the next morning and see a darker line. I had 2 dreams that I got my positive HPT. I went and took a test when I woke up.....no second line...NONE. I thought to myself that it was early and my levels could fluctuate. By the next morning it would surely be positive. Yet the next day brought another stark white test. 2 days later...the same. It's looking like it didn't work. There's always the slightest chance that I will get a positive beta on Monday, but I feel foolish for even considering it a possibility.
I feel blessed to have the frozen embies, but the financial burden is a lot and the emotional burden is unbearable. At this point, I just want to get my beta done so that I can stop the progesterone and get AF since continuing the meds feels like a mind f*ck.
Today is the EDD for our second pregnancy. The pregnancy that I thought was meant to be and could not go wrong. I'm not one to get overly emotional about EDD's. The month of June is a hard one though and is only getting harder. Let's review the dates....6/2 EDD, 6/4 will be my BFN beta, 6/12 was when we got our very first BFP last year, 6/21 was the day we found our babies heartbeat in my tube and had emergency surgery. Yea...that's a whole bunch of suckiness.
So now I question my life's plan. What will come of it? Will we have even 1 child? How will I handle this? Will I let it ruin me? Will it ruin my friendships? Could it hurt my marriage?
Sunday, May 20, 2012
So much has happened
I realize it's been a little while since I've written. So much has happened and the time has flown by. I started stims on 5/7. My baseline that morning showed no cysts, but they said my lining was a little thick so I thought I would get pushed out a day. I was shocked when I got the call to start. I was on 150 Gonal-F and 1 vial of Menopur. The first night went really smooth and it didn't hurt. The second night I got a little messed up when hubby was observing and apparently the needle wasn't screwed on all the way and I lost a bit of meds. After that I had it down to a science.
My first monitoring was on 5/11 and they said my lining looked good and I had 4 follies around 8mm and 5 less than 8. Sunday, 5/13 was my next appointment. At that time I had 5 that were over 8mm. I was told to start Ganirelix that evening and return on Tuesday. The next appointment had 8 over 8mm and a few smaller ones. I was a bit dissappointed as I was hoping for a lot of follies. I returned the next day and they grew with the largest being 22 and the smallest measured being 10.5, still a total of 8. I was told I probably wouldn't trigger that night, which bummed me out somemore as I was hoping to trigger Wednesday evening for a Friday retrieval. But I had to do what was best for my eggs. Thursday was the final follie check. My lining looked fantastic and I had 12 follies with 4 most likely not mature enough and 8 decent sized ones. Hubby gave me the HCG trigger shot on Thursday night at 10:45pm. He was so nervous and shaking, but I talked him through it and he did great!
Friday morning we arrived at the clinic at 8:15 with specimen in tow. I was fairly nervous. I knew we didn't have a huge amount of follies so I was scared of not having many eggs. I knew that not all would be mature and not all would fertilize. Hubby did his best to calm my nerves, telling me that it was going to be great. I have to say, he's been my rock through this past year.
I was taken into pre-op aroung 8:30, changed into a gown. They wrapped me in a heated blanket which was so nice. Took my vitals where my pulse was 115...I guess I was nervous. I was brought into the operating room at around 9:15 and quickly sedated. Before I knew it I was in recovery. Hubby came in and I was a little groggy, but felt good. They told me they got 8 eggs. I was pleased with this as I was expecting about 7. A little while later, I was released and off to the couch I went. Post procedure I had some cramping and it was uncomfortable to go to the bathroom, but overall I felt good.
This morning we were so anxious to get our fertilization report. It was the longest morning ever. The phone rang a little after 10 am. Nurse Jackie was on the other end and told me that of the 8...6 were mature and 5 fertilized. I was happy with this, but as time is passing I'm getting scared. I'm scared that they will start dropping like flies after today. I was hoping for a 5DT and will know tomorrow for sure which we will be doing. Please keep growing little embies....PLEASE.
This whole process has been crazy and stressful and a long rollercoaster of emotions. I'm just hoping and praying for a happy ending.
My first monitoring was on 5/11 and they said my lining looked good and I had 4 follies around 8mm and 5 less than 8. Sunday, 5/13 was my next appointment. At that time I had 5 that were over 8mm. I was told to start Ganirelix that evening and return on Tuesday. The next appointment had 8 over 8mm and a few smaller ones. I was a bit dissappointed as I was hoping for a lot of follies. I returned the next day and they grew with the largest being 22 and the smallest measured being 10.5, still a total of 8. I was told I probably wouldn't trigger that night, which bummed me out somemore as I was hoping to trigger Wednesday evening for a Friday retrieval. But I had to do what was best for my eggs. Thursday was the final follie check. My lining looked fantastic and I had 12 follies with 4 most likely not mature enough and 8 decent sized ones. Hubby gave me the HCG trigger shot on Thursday night at 10:45pm. He was so nervous and shaking, but I talked him through it and he did great!
Friday morning we arrived at the clinic at 8:15 with specimen in tow. I was fairly nervous. I knew we didn't have a huge amount of follies so I was scared of not having many eggs. I knew that not all would be mature and not all would fertilize. Hubby did his best to calm my nerves, telling me that it was going to be great. I have to say, he's been my rock through this past year.
I was taken into pre-op aroung 8:30, changed into a gown. They wrapped me in a heated blanket which was so nice. Took my vitals where my pulse was 115...I guess I was nervous. I was brought into the operating room at around 9:15 and quickly sedated. Before I knew it I was in recovery. Hubby came in and I was a little groggy, but felt good. They told me they got 8 eggs. I was pleased with this as I was expecting about 7. A little while later, I was released and off to the couch I went. Post procedure I had some cramping and it was uncomfortable to go to the bathroom, but overall I felt good.
This morning we were so anxious to get our fertilization report. It was the longest morning ever. The phone rang a little after 10 am. Nurse Jackie was on the other end and told me that of the 8...6 were mature and 5 fertilized. I was happy with this, but as time is passing I'm getting scared. I'm scared that they will start dropping like flies after today. I was hoping for a 5DT and will know tomorrow for sure which we will be doing. Please keep growing little embies....PLEASE.
This whole process has been crazy and stressful and a long rollercoaster of emotions. I'm just hoping and praying for a happy ending.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Getting Close!
Just two short days from today I will be going for my baseline testing. Hopefully we will get the thumbs up to start stims that evening and I'm really hoping that I stay on track with the calendar my nurse laid out. My ER is estimated to be on Friday 5/18 and I have an important meeting on the 17th. I will have a talk with my boss this week to see what our backup plan is for if I get moved up a day. I'm sure it will be fine. He knows that I'm doing this, but he doesn't know the dates. I will lay everything out for him and tell him how it's expected to go. I'm lucky to be able to be flexible with my hours when needed. It's never a problem to take time off....well as long as there's a good reason, which this is.
In other news, we've been waiting on the edge of our seats for the results of hubby's semen analysis. He went in on 4/25 and they told us that the results would be back in a week and then my doctor has to review them. My nurse said to call on the 3rd for the results. I did this and was told that he hadn't reviewed them and won't be back in the office until Monday. We were so upset that we had to wait another 4 days. Hubby said to me that he will be really upset if he's the problem. I told him that he's most likely normal since he got me pregnant 3 times. Then I said that we already know that I'm the one with the issue and all of this is my fault. He assured me that he doesn't think of it that way in the least. I love that he tries to make me feel better, but it's just a fact that I'm the defective one. So anyway, I get a call this morning and when I answered the phone it was my Dr. My heart jumped in my throat and I was prepared for bad news. Afterall, it had to be bad for him to call me on a Saturday. He said his results were totally NORMAL! Hubby was so so happy. He started asking what the numbers were and if it was high. I laughed and said I didn't ask, but it didn't matter. I will be asking my nurse for the specifics on Monday though.
I've filled my Mom and MIL in on the fact that we're starting IVF. They don't have specific dates, but they are aware. I figured it would be best to let them know. I may need their support and I know that they're willing to help in any way they can.
Mother's Day is next weekend and I'm pretty bummed that I should either have a baby in my arms, be about to pop or be growing a baby in my belly. I don't plan to bring up the fact that I beleive I am a mother, but I will celebrate my own motherhood. Afterall, I was the best mom I could be to my angels. The moment I knew of them, I cared for them the best that I could. I would have done anything to save them and miss them terribly.
In other news, we've been waiting on the edge of our seats for the results of hubby's semen analysis. He went in on 4/25 and they told us that the results would be back in a week and then my doctor has to review them. My nurse said to call on the 3rd for the results. I did this and was told that he hadn't reviewed them and won't be back in the office until Monday. We were so upset that we had to wait another 4 days. Hubby said to me that he will be really upset if he's the problem. I told him that he's most likely normal since he got me pregnant 3 times. Then I said that we already know that I'm the one with the issue and all of this is my fault. He assured me that he doesn't think of it that way in the least. I love that he tries to make me feel better, but it's just a fact that I'm the defective one. So anyway, I get a call this morning and when I answered the phone it was my Dr. My heart jumped in my throat and I was prepared for bad news. Afterall, it had to be bad for him to call me on a Saturday. He said his results were totally NORMAL! Hubby was so so happy. He started asking what the numbers were and if it was high. I laughed and said I didn't ask, but it didn't matter. I will be asking my nurse for the specifics on Monday though.
I've filled my Mom and MIL in on the fact that we're starting IVF. They don't have specific dates, but they are aware. I figured it would be best to let them know. I may need their support and I know that they're willing to help in any way they can.
Mother's Day is next weekend and I'm pretty bummed that I should either have a baby in my arms, be about to pop or be growing a baby in my belly. I don't plan to bring up the fact that I beleive I am a mother, but I will celebrate my own motherhood. Afterall, I was the best mom I could be to my angels. The moment I knew of them, I cared for them the best that I could. I would have done anything to save them and miss them terribly.
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