Have you seen my angels?

Have you seen my angels? I had them only briefly and then they were gone. I miss them so much and wish I could tell them so. If you see them, please tell them I love them and miss them. Their Papa loves them too and wanted so badly to meet them. I wish I could hold them and kiss them. I know they're safe wherever they may be, but I wish they could come visit us for a while. Even just a short while would be ok. Just long enough for me to hug them and kiss them. So I can look at their faces and burn their images into my memory forever. I'm sure they're the most beautiful angels that ever existed. They probably have their Papa's hair, as well as his lips and nose. Maybe they have my eyes and smile. Oh how fun it would be to have a day with our angels. The memories we would make would surpass any of the best memories I have. Everyone would flock to join our special day. Their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins would be so happy to see them. If you see my angels, can you please tell them I've looked everywhere for them? Tell them that I did everything to find them and bring them home? Tell them I love them more than anything in the world? Let them know that we will be rejoined one day? Please, please tell them for me?

Nobody Gets It

I hate when the tears come.  When I think about talking to people IRL about what we've been through I tear up.  My friends and family want to be here for me, but I have NO interest in talking to them about it.  They don't get it, they don't understand.  So yes, if I need to talk they'll listen.  But all that's going to do is make me cry and crying doesn't help...it makes me feel worse, much worse.  And then they look at me like I'm broken and that makes it even worse.  They're not better than me because they have children or had complication free pregnancies.  Their lives aren't better than mine.  They're not more important than me because they have, or will have, offspring.  I very much dislike pity.  I don't need you to pity me.  You can be sensitive to what I've been through, but don't give me your pity...and don't give me that stupid f'n look like I'm the saddest person on earth. 

Life goes on

Life doesn't stop even after 3 ectopics, a failed IVF and failed frozen transfer.  I have no choice but to look towards the future.  We've decided that we would try on our own and hope for a miracle.  So this was our first month back at it.  Of course hubby got sick, then he got injured at work.  We might have salvaged the cycle, but I'm not getting my hopes up. 

I've endulged in a little retail therapy and am continuing to try to check things off my to-do list around the house.  This weekend brought with it a new fancy printer and a Coach bag.  It also involved throwing out stuff, which felt great!  It feels so cleansing to get rid of crap.

Lastly, I've had numerous recruiters contact me over the past couple of weeks.  One called yesterday and seems like he has quite a few career opportunities for me.  He seems to get what I'm looking for and understand my value.  I have a meeting with him tomorrow, so I'm hoping for some good news.  I'm not getting my hopes up, but it would be nice to have something positive happen in our lives.

Nobody told me life would be this hard

As expected, my beta on Wednesday the 11th was negative.  If I really think about it I start to lose it, but if I push it out of my head I can gain my composure and carry on.  Some would say you have to face your feelings and emotions.  I say shove them deep down inside and pretend like they don't exist.  Slap a smile on your face and make the world think that you're happy as can be.  I did this at work on Wednesday.  I'm kind of thankful that my phone didn't actually ring...a voicemail just popped up.  So I listened to it, deleted it, sent my text messages and sucked back the tears.  Work has been busy, so I'm diving head first into it for the distraction...not because I like work.

Hubby is upset that it has failed as well of course.  He won't show his emotions, but when I started to cry the other night, he covered his face and said he can't take it when I'm sad.

While we could make it work to cycle again, I don't feel comfortable doing it right now.  I've been on the IVF journey since February...5 months of planning and building up my hopes and dreams.  Quite a bit of our hard earned money was spent.  It's a hard pill to swallow.  I know people do this 2, 3, 4 or more times paying OOP.  I just don't think it's something that I can do.  So for now, we will go back to trying naturally knowing it's a high risk of an ectopic.

I think what frustrates me the most about my ectopic risk, is that there's no reason for it.  My tube looked healthy and it's open and clear.  Why won't it just work?!  Why does it get stuck?  It just doesn't make any sense.  Most people that have tubal infertility have blocked or scarred tubes or endometriosis.  I have none of that.

Dr. K had said that my tube could start working one day.  That I could get pregnant on our own.  So for now, that's what we'll try.  In the past we've conceived fairly quickly after our losses, so maybe we will conceive quickly again...or maybe it won't be as easy anymore.  I guess time will tell.

The heartbreak and dissappointment that I feel is not an easy thing to deal with.  Knowing that I'm not at a point in my life where I'm running out of time just yet helps.  I'll be turning 31 in a little over 2 months.  I have time before even IVF wouldn't give me much hope.  So off we go...hoping that we get to be the lucky ones.

Why can't it be me?

Why can't I be the one that gets a BFP 6 days after my transfer?  Why can't I be the one that IVF works on the first try?  Why can't I have IF insurance coverage?

I dread going through another IVF cycle.  What do I do from here?  Do I keep trying naturally hoping and praying that one day I will have a successful pregnancy?  Where do I draw the line?

Another 2 Week Wait

The day after my previous post, the ultrasound confirmed that I ovulated!  They gave me my instructions and informed me that the transfer would be on Thursday, 6/28.  Wednesday I started to freak out about the possibility of having nothing to transfer.  I was pretty much convinced that I would get a call cancelling it.  We made it through Wednesday without a call, so that was one step down.  Thursday morning, I stared at my phone waiting for it to ring to tell me my embabies didn't survive.  Hubby wasn't able to come with me to the transfer and I told him that I was scared.  He tried to comfort me by saying they wouldn't make me come in if that happened.  So on my way to the clinic, I tried to believe that.  I was not convinced that they both would have survived though.  I called hubby as I was getting changed and he said that they wouldn't make me get changed if we didn't have anything to transfer.  I again agreed and put on my highly fashionable and sexy hospital gown, booties and hairnet and proceded to my bed.

I was all settled in by about 9:50 am with my full bladder when the nurse told me my scheduled transfer time was 10:45.  Ugh...did I mention my bladder was full?  I know everyone says the full bladder is the worst part of the transfer and it is soooo true.  I felt like I was going to pee on the doctor.  The same thing had happened with the first transfer and I managed to hold it, so I had faith in myself....lol.

I had asked the nurse if she had any info on my embabies and she told me the doctor would get the info from the embryologist and tell me before the transfer.  I had an RE that I'd never met before, so I wasn't sure what to expect.  She came in and was super nice.  She told me that BOTH embabies survived!   I was shocked to say the least and even asked her about 3 times if they're alive and growing.  The 6 cell went from a grade 2 to a 2-3 and the 5 cell remained a grade 3.  Dr. K told me to inform her that I had 3 ectopics so I did and she gave me the sad face.  She said that with my IVF I just got the wrong side of the coin.

They wheel me into the procedure room, I scoot down the bed and they put the pillow under my butt, apply the gel to my belly and do all the lovely stuff to my vajajay.  The embryologist asks me my name and jokes by asking my favorite color while looking at the paper...haha.  The catheter is loaded, inserted and in goes embabies.  The embryologist checked the catheter and we had a sticky little bugger, so he prepared it again and in went the trouble maker.  The embryologist said that's the one that's going to fight me getting into the mini-van.  The nurse said that it had to be a boy.  As we watched the embaby go in, the doctor said it looked like a shooting star, which made me smile.  We all had a laugh and then I was wheeled back to the room where I laid for a few minutes and then headed home.

So, now I hang out in another 2 week wait.  I'm certainly not feeling overly optimistic, but trying to take it day by day.  I'm not sure if I'm considered 3dp a 3dt or 3dp a 4dt, since we transferred on 4dpo and they were thawed late on 3dpo.  Either way, my beta is scheduled for 7/11.  I'm absolutely terrified of testing, but most likely will before the beta because I will get the call while at work. 

Natural FET Cycle Patience

I am trying to be patient as I wait to ovulate so that we can (hopefully) transfer our 2 frozen embabies.  Today is day 20 of my cycle and my ultrasound this morning showed that it hasn't happened yet.  My follicle measured 22mm and seems to be growing at 1/2mm a day and my lining looks awesome at a 12.  The only time I've ovulated this late was after my 1st ectopic and I attributed that to having HCG lingering in my system.  What I hope is good news is that my temp dropped this morning and I tend to get a pre-O temp dip, but sometimes I get it 2 days before ovulation.  So...I wait and wait and wait.  I have another monitoring tomorrow morning and if it hasn't happened by then, I'll continue to go back until it does.  I've heard of wonkly cycles after a failed IVF, so I'm assuming that's why this is happening.

In non-TTC news...we have an opportunity to pack up our lives and move to North Carolina.  My job is opening an office there so I would have my job and they would help us sell our house, move there and buy a new house.  Our money would go a lot farther than it does here.  We are going back and forth in our heads as to whether or not we could actually go.  When I told my mother, she cried and said she would be devestated if I left.  I would hate to leave my family and I don't know if I could do it, but it's a really amazing opportunity and a really nice area in NC.  Hubby flip flops on the idea as well.  Yesterday and today he's ready to pack up the house and head south, but it's different talking about it vs. actually doing it.

So that's the happenings in my life right now.  It's an exciting time with lots of opportunities and potential.