Life doesn't stop even after 3 ectopics, a failed IVF and failed frozen transfer. I have no choice but to look towards the future. We've decided that we would try on our own and hope for a miracle. So this was our first month back at it. Of course hubby got sick, then he got injured at work. We might have salvaged the cycle, but I'm not getting my hopes up.
I've endulged in a little retail therapy and am continuing to try to check things off my to-do list around the house. This weekend brought with it a new fancy printer and a Coach bag. It also involved throwing out stuff, which felt great! It feels so cleansing to get rid of crap.
Lastly, I've had numerous recruiters contact me over the past couple of weeks. One called yesterday and seems like he has quite a few career opportunities for me. He seems to get what I'm looking for and understand my value. I have a meeting with him tomorrow, so I'm hoping for some good news. I'm not getting my hopes up, but it would be nice to have something positive happen in our lives.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Friday, July 13, 2012
Nobody told me life would be this hard
As expected, my beta on Wednesday the 11th was negative. If I really think about it I start to lose it, but if I push it out of my head I can gain my composure and carry on. Some would say you have to face your feelings and emotions. I say shove them deep down inside and pretend like they don't exist. Slap a smile on your face and make the world think that you're happy as can be. I did this at work on Wednesday. I'm kind of thankful that my phone didn't actually ring...a voicemail just popped up. So I listened to it, deleted it, sent my text messages and sucked back the tears. Work has been busy, so I'm diving head first into it for the distraction...not because I like work.
Hubby is upset that it has failed as well of course. He won't show his emotions, but when I started to cry the other night, he covered his face and said he can't take it when I'm sad.
While we could make it work to cycle again, I don't feel comfortable doing it right now. I've been on the IVF journey since February...5 months of planning and building up my hopes and dreams. Quite a bit of our hard earned money was spent. It's a hard pill to swallow. I know people do this 2, 3, 4 or more times paying OOP. I just don't think it's something that I can do. So for now, we will go back to trying naturally knowing it's a high risk of an ectopic.
I think what frustrates me the most about my ectopic risk, is that there's no reason for it. My tube looked healthy and it's open and clear. Why won't it just work?! Why does it get stuck? It just doesn't make any sense. Most people that have tubal infertility have blocked or scarred tubes or endometriosis. I have none of that.
Dr. K had said that my tube could start working one day. That I could get pregnant on our own. So for now, that's what we'll try. In the past we've conceived fairly quickly after our losses, so maybe we will conceive quickly again...or maybe it won't be as easy anymore. I guess time will tell.
The heartbreak and dissappointment that I feel is not an easy thing to deal with. Knowing that I'm not at a point in my life where I'm running out of time just yet helps. I'll be turning 31 in a little over 2 months. I have time before even IVF wouldn't give me much hope. So off we go...hoping that we get to be the lucky ones.
Hubby is upset that it has failed as well of course. He won't show his emotions, but when I started to cry the other night, he covered his face and said he can't take it when I'm sad.
While we could make it work to cycle again, I don't feel comfortable doing it right now. I've been on the IVF journey since February...5 months of planning and building up my hopes and dreams. Quite a bit of our hard earned money was spent. It's a hard pill to swallow. I know people do this 2, 3, 4 or more times paying OOP. I just don't think it's something that I can do. So for now, we will go back to trying naturally knowing it's a high risk of an ectopic.
I think what frustrates me the most about my ectopic risk, is that there's no reason for it. My tube looked healthy and it's open and clear. Why won't it just work?! Why does it get stuck? It just doesn't make any sense. Most people that have tubal infertility have blocked or scarred tubes or endometriosis. I have none of that.
Dr. K had said that my tube could start working one day. That I could get pregnant on our own. So for now, that's what we'll try. In the past we've conceived fairly quickly after our losses, so maybe we will conceive quickly again...or maybe it won't be as easy anymore. I guess time will tell.
The heartbreak and dissappointment that I feel is not an easy thing to deal with. Knowing that I'm not at a point in my life where I'm running out of time just yet helps. I'll be turning 31 in a little over 2 months. I have time before even IVF wouldn't give me much hope. So off we go...hoping that we get to be the lucky ones.
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Why can't it be me?
Why can't I be the one that gets a BFP 6 days after my transfer? Why can't I be the one that IVF works on the first try? Why can't I have IF insurance coverage?
I dread going through another IVF cycle. What do I do from here? Do I keep trying naturally hoping and praying that one day I will have a successful pregnancy? Where do I draw the line?
I dread going through another IVF cycle. What do I do from here? Do I keep trying naturally hoping and praying that one day I will have a successful pregnancy? Where do I draw the line?
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Another 2 Week Wait
The day after my previous post, the ultrasound confirmed that I ovulated! They gave me my instructions and informed me that the transfer would be on Thursday, 6/28. Wednesday I started to freak out about the possibility of having nothing to transfer. I was pretty much convinced that I would get a call cancelling it. We made it through Wednesday without a call, so that was one step down. Thursday morning, I stared at my phone waiting for it to ring to tell me my embabies didn't survive. Hubby wasn't able to come with me to the transfer and I told him that I was scared. He tried to comfort me by saying they wouldn't make me come in if that happened. So on my way to the clinic, I tried to believe that. I was not convinced that they both would have survived though. I called hubby as I was getting changed and he said that they wouldn't make me get changed if we didn't have anything to transfer. I again agreed and put on my highly fashionable and sexy hospital gown, booties and hairnet and proceded to my bed.
I was all settled in by about 9:50 am with my full bladder when the nurse told me my scheduled transfer time was 10:45. Ugh...did I mention my bladder was full? I know everyone says the full bladder is the worst part of the transfer and it is soooo true. I felt like I was going to pee on the doctor. The same thing had happened with the first transfer and I managed to hold it, so I had faith in myself....lol.
I had asked the nurse if she had any info on my embabies and she told me the doctor would get the info from the embryologist and tell me before the transfer. I had an RE that I'd never met before, so I wasn't sure what to expect. She came in and was super nice. She told me that BOTH embabies survived! I was shocked to say the least and even asked her about 3 times if they're alive and growing. The 6 cell went from a grade 2 to a 2-3 and the 5 cell remained a grade 3. Dr. K told me to inform her that I had 3 ectopics so I did and she gave me the sad face. She said that with my IVF I just got the wrong side of the coin.
They wheel me into the procedure room, I scoot down the bed and they put the pillow under my butt, apply the gel to my belly and do all the lovely stuff to my vajajay. The embryologist asks me my name and jokes by asking my favorite color while looking at the paper...haha. The catheter is loaded, inserted and in goes embabies. The embryologist checked the catheter and we had a sticky little bugger, so he prepared it again and in went the trouble maker. The embryologist said that's the one that's going to fight me getting into the mini-van. The nurse said that it had to be a boy. As we watched the embaby go in, the doctor said it looked like a shooting star, which made me smile. We all had a laugh and then I was wheeled back to the room where I laid for a few minutes and then headed home.
So, now I hang out in another 2 week wait. I'm certainly not feeling overly optimistic, but trying to take it day by day. I'm not sure if I'm considered 3dp a 3dt or 3dp a 4dt, since we transferred on 4dpo and they were thawed late on 3dpo. Either way, my beta is scheduled for 7/11. I'm absolutely terrified of testing, but most likely will before the beta because I will get the call while at work.
I was all settled in by about 9:50 am with my full bladder when the nurse told me my scheduled transfer time was 10:45. Ugh...did I mention my bladder was full? I know everyone says the full bladder is the worst part of the transfer and it is soooo true. I felt like I was going to pee on the doctor. The same thing had happened with the first transfer and I managed to hold it, so I had faith in myself....lol.
I had asked the nurse if she had any info on my embabies and she told me the doctor would get the info from the embryologist and tell me before the transfer. I had an RE that I'd never met before, so I wasn't sure what to expect. She came in and was super nice. She told me that BOTH embabies survived! I was shocked to say the least and even asked her about 3 times if they're alive and growing. The 6 cell went from a grade 2 to a 2-3 and the 5 cell remained a grade 3. Dr. K told me to inform her that I had 3 ectopics so I did and she gave me the sad face. She said that with my IVF I just got the wrong side of the coin.
They wheel me into the procedure room, I scoot down the bed and they put the pillow under my butt, apply the gel to my belly and do all the lovely stuff to my vajajay. The embryologist asks me my name and jokes by asking my favorite color while looking at the paper...haha. The catheter is loaded, inserted and in goes embabies. The embryologist checked the catheter and we had a sticky little bugger, so he prepared it again and in went the trouble maker. The embryologist said that's the one that's going to fight me getting into the mini-van. The nurse said that it had to be a boy. As we watched the embaby go in, the doctor said it looked like a shooting star, which made me smile. We all had a laugh and then I was wheeled back to the room where I laid for a few minutes and then headed home.
So, now I hang out in another 2 week wait. I'm certainly not feeling overly optimistic, but trying to take it day by day. I'm not sure if I'm considered 3dp a 3dt or 3dp a 4dt, since we transferred on 4dpo and they were thawed late on 3dpo. Either way, my beta is scheduled for 7/11. I'm absolutely terrified of testing, but most likely will before the beta because I will get the call while at work.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Natural FET Cycle Patience
I am trying to be patient as I wait to ovulate so that we can (hopefully) transfer our 2 frozen embabies. Today is day 20 of my cycle and my ultrasound this morning showed that it hasn't happened yet. My follicle measured 22mm and seems to be growing at 1/2mm a day and my lining looks awesome at a 12. The only time I've ovulated this late was after my 1st ectopic and I attributed that to having HCG lingering in my system. What I hope is good news is that my temp dropped this morning and I tend to get a pre-O temp dip, but sometimes I get it 2 days before ovulation. So...I wait and wait and wait. I have another monitoring tomorrow morning and if it hasn't happened by then, I'll continue to go back until it does. I've heard of wonkly cycles after a failed IVF, so I'm assuming that's why this is happening.
In non-TTC news...we have an opportunity to pack up our lives and move to North Carolina. My job is opening an office there so I would have my job and they would help us sell our house, move there and buy a new house. Our money would go a lot farther than it does here. We are going back and forth in our heads as to whether or not we could actually go. When I told my mother, she cried and said she would be devestated if I left. I would hate to leave my family and I don't know if I could do it, but it's a really amazing opportunity and a really nice area in NC. Hubby flip flops on the idea as well. Yesterday and today he's ready to pack up the house and head south, but it's different talking about it vs. actually doing it.
So that's the happenings in my life right now. It's an exciting time with lots of opportunities and potential.
In non-TTC news...we have an opportunity to pack up our lives and move to North Carolina. My job is opening an office there so I would have my job and they would help us sell our house, move there and buy a new house. Our money would go a lot farther than it does here. We are going back and forth in our heads as to whether or not we could actually go. When I told my mother, she cried and said she would be devestated if I left. I would hate to leave my family and I don't know if I could do it, but it's a really amazing opportunity and a really nice area in NC. Hubby flip flops on the idea as well. Yesterday and today he's ready to pack up the house and head south, but it's different talking about it vs. actually doing it.
So that's the happenings in my life right now. It's an exciting time with lots of opportunities and potential.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Why I dislike June...
Last year at this time I was pregnant. I was joyful and hopeful. I was excited to start the next chapter of our lives. Little did I know that the next chapter would be the hardest one of my life thus far.
June 12, 2011 - First BFP
June 19, 2011 - Announced to family that we're expecting
June 21, 2011 - Found our angel in my tube with a heartbeat. Tube and baby were removed and my world was shattered
June 2, 2012 - The EDD for our 2nd pregnancy
June 4, 2012 - Received the official news that our first IVF failed
Which leads to the next event in June...our FET. Just more food for my pessimistic brain.
June 12, 2011 - First BFP
June 19, 2011 - Announced to family that we're expecting
June 21, 2011 - Found our angel in my tube with a heartbeat. Tube and baby were removed and my world was shattered
June 2, 2012 - The EDD for our 2nd pregnancy
June 4, 2012 - Received the official news that our first IVF failed
Which leads to the next event in June...our FET. Just more food for my pessimistic brain.
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Moving Forward
As expected, on Monday I received the call from Dr. K that my beta was negative. I only got slightly teary as I knew it was coming. I of course had the slightest bit of hope that I would be that miraculous positive beta with negative HPT's that I had been googling for days, but in my heart I knew it wouldn't come to fruition. Doc said to make an appointment with him to discuss our frozen embies and whether we will transfer 1 or 2. I called hubby and he was bummed to say the least. He too was hoping that the test would be positive despite the negative tests at home. As always, he reassured me that it will happen...that we will get our baby. His optimism scares me. I'm more of a realist...I know there's a definite possibility that it might not happen. I think if we had the means to keep doing IVF until we got our take home baby, I would feel confident...but we don't. I refuse to break the bank or go into debt to do this and it makes me so mad that this is where we're at. Some people say that no matter how much debt you go into it will be worth it. To do everything possible, but I don't feel comfortable with that.
So we're moving foward. We have an appointment with Dr K on Monday to discuss a FET. I imagine it might be too late to do it this month and therefor will most likely do it in July. We've discussed putting both in and I feel fairly comfortable with this since one of our two frozen embies aren't of the best quality and because frozen transfers have an even lower chance of working. In addition, we don't know if they will survive being thawed. For all I know, we could be all set to trasnfer and my little embies could flop. If this transfer doesn't bring me a baby, we will figure out when we can do another round. Maybe in a year, maybe less, maybe never.
I've used the term "I'm numb" in the past, but I don't think I truly knew what that felt like until now. Now...I'm numb. I feel next to nothing. I don't feel pain, I don't feel hope, I don't cry, I fake a smile. I'm not sure how long I will feel like this. Everyone around me is pregnant or has 1, 2 or 3 children. I've been left behind. I'm broken. I'm defective.
So we're moving foward. We have an appointment with Dr K on Monday to discuss a FET. I imagine it might be too late to do it this month and therefor will most likely do it in July. We've discussed putting both in and I feel fairly comfortable with this since one of our two frozen embies aren't of the best quality and because frozen transfers have an even lower chance of working. In addition, we don't know if they will survive being thawed. For all I know, we could be all set to trasnfer and my little embies could flop. If this transfer doesn't bring me a baby, we will figure out when we can do another round. Maybe in a year, maybe less, maybe never.
I've used the term "I'm numb" in the past, but I don't think I truly knew what that felt like until now. Now...I'm numb. I feel next to nothing. I don't feel pain, I don't feel hope, I don't cry, I fake a smile. I'm not sure how long I will feel like this. Everyone around me is pregnant or has 1, 2 or 3 children. I've been left behind. I'm broken. I'm defective.
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