Guilt

I try not to let it get to me, but sometimes I can't help it.  Ectopic pregnancies are unique in the way that the mother is forced to terminate the pregnancy.  I had to end my babies lives.  My first angel's heart was beating before being ripped from my body and life support was cut.  My other two angels were attacked by methotrexate.  What's worse is that by the third termination, it got easier.  My first was traumatic because of how everything unfolded, the wirlwind of events, the rollercoaster of emotions, the surgery and physical healing involved which was nothing compared to the emotional piece.  In a matter of what felt like seconds, my baby and tube were gone.  In the snap we went from planning a new life to trying to figure out how to survive.  My second was different because I knew from the beginning that it wasn't right.  I let myself have a small amount of hope because the doctors said that it appeared to be ok.  When we were diagnosed once again as ectopic and I received the methotrexate it was different because it wasn't an immediate end to our baby's life.  It took time...it was slow.  While I know our baby felt no pain, that didn't change the guilt I had.  My third I felt the most guilt for.  Guilt because it was the "easiest".  I knew from the second the pee stick showed a second line that it wasn't going to end well.  I think I cried the least amount of tears for our third angel.  How could I be so cold?

Yesterday I went to look at the furniture that I had picked online to make sure that I like it.  When I was leaving the store my eyes went to my charms hanging from my mirror for our angels and the somber feeling returned once again.  When I plan for our little girl, when I pick something out for her I'm reminded that I didn't get to do that for her siblings.

I know it's not my fault.  I know I had no choice.  I know I did nothing to cause it.  As a mother, there was nothing I could do to save them.  I will never forget my angels.  I know they're watching over us.  Guiding us and protecting us.  Momma and Papa love you angel babies.

Thankful for Every Single Day

My belly is growing.  My baby is moving around and kicking me.  I've made a ton of progress on cleaning out the baby's room.  Yet it seems surreal that in approximately 4 months from now we will have a baby in our arms.  Every single day I am thankful for this miracle and yet I ask myself how it happened.  Our story is so unbelievable.  Something I thought would never happen and yet it has.  How?  I know I shouldn't question it.  Afterall, I'll never get an answer.  All I can do is be grateful.  I am SO grateful. 

We had our anatomy scan on the 8th.  They measured every organ, bone, etc.  We were told that we would be having a baby girl and that she looked perfect in every way.  A miraculous baby girl.  She was wiggling all over the place and was practicing breathing.  It was the most amazing thing we've ever seen. 

I'm starting to get anxious to get to her birthday.  The fears have started to creep in.  She has to arrive safely.  She has to be healthy.  The universe, god, whomever or whatever is in charge has to give this to us.  I'm trying to keep the fears out and focus on one step at time, one day at a time, or one hour at a time and just be thankful. 

2nd tri and going strong

We're going on 16 weeks and I still pinch myself daily to make sure I'm not dreaming and ask how I got this lucky.  Some would ask how I could say that I'm lucky after all that I've been through.  It makes me think of a saying a friend told me "never look at what you've lost, only look at what you have left".  I have so much left.  I have 3 angels watching over my family and a blessing in my tummy.  I haven't forgotten about my angels and talk to them often.  I have three angel charms in each of their birthstone colors that hang from my rear view mirror in my car.  The car is the time I talk to them most...when it's just us and I can speak freely.  When I picked up some baby items from a friend last week I was so excited and I held the charms and apologized that I never got to be that excited for them and told them how much I love and miss them.  I also thanked them for watching over us.

LO is growing strong and I actually felt movement this past Monday!  I was sitting at my desk all slumped over and felt a few little pops.  I am inclined to think that it was LO flipping over and I'll tell you why.  From the very beginning, I've found the heartbeat on my right side.  Ever since the 'movement', I've found it on the left side.

We had our NT scan three weeks ago on the 12th and LO looks like a baby now!  We were calling LO Blob or Blobby, but now that he/she no longer looks like a blob, we renamed her/him Mini Me.  Hubby was quite shocked how human the baby looked and I think it made it real to him.  Our next appointment is on 12/10 and I hope to find out the sex.  Although last night hubby said to me that his friends told him we are crazy for finding out the sex and now he's second guessing it...grrrr.  I have two weeks to convince him it doesn't matter what his friends think or did.  I need to know! 

That's about it for now.  We're prepping for the holidays.  Christmas tree is up and I've been internet shopping like a fool.  Anyone want to pay my credit card bill?

Here's a sneak peek at Mini Me from our NT scan:

Update on me and my blob

It makes me uneasy to even type the words that thus far this pregnancy is going well.  I'm not one to say that thinking positively will jinx us.  A jinx didn't make my first 3 pregnancies ectopic or IVF fail.  A jinx isn't going to end this baby's life.

That being said, we are doing well.  I have been sick with a cold that past week or so and am finally almost 100%.  My last appointment was on 10/4 which was my first OB appointment.  My regular doctor was on vacation so I saw the other doctor who I am not in love with, but she knows what she's doing.  She was happy for us that we conceived on our own and that I'm on progesterone.  My doctor's office is a firm believer in checking progesterone levels and supplementing if necessary.  She did a pap and checked my cervix, which was nice and closed.  Then she said I get an u/s!  I wasn't expecting one that day, and got nervous immediately of course.  The sonographer was super sweet and we chatted about my pregnancies and her upcoming wedding.  She found baby (a.k.a. blob) and I could see blob had grown from the previous week.  I saw the fluttering heart and she was measuring away.  She said she measured the heartbeat, but I didn't see the typical heartbeat line that I expected to, so I got nervous.  She explained everything on the screen and told me the heartbeat was at 142bpm!  She gave me my pics and sent me out to see the doctor who told me that everything looked good and baby was measuring 6w5d (I was 7w2d on that day) and not to worry about the measuring since it can vary and blob has a good heartbeat.  She gave me my scripts for bloodwork and told me to stay pregnant.

I went for my bloodwork 2 days later and oh.my.gosh...sooooo many vials.  I remembered a lot of vials from my first pregnancy, but I think they upped it a little.  It wasn't bad though, I only got poked once and my vein cooperated.  Called the OB office a few days later and they said my hormones look great and to make an appointment for two weeks from then (they didn't say anything about the rest of the tests, but I will inquire when I go to my appointment).  A couple of days later they called and said that my pap came back normal as well.  So next appointment in on the 25th...not sure if I will get to see blob again or not.

In the meantime, I am keeping myself sane with a doppler sent by one of my amazing friends, Missa (love you!).  I received it on the 12th and tried it that afternoon.  I was 8w4d and thought I might have found it because I was getting a reading of 160bpm, but I wasn't really hearing anything except my heartbeat and a lot of wooshing.  A couple of days later I broke it out again and found the same noise, in the same spot, but didn't get that same 160bpm reading.  I then found the same thing on the other side, so I knew it wasn't blob.  After an hour of searching and prodding I FINALLY found blob!  Very clear and got a reading of 160-170bpm.  Very comforting and amazing.  This past Thursday I tried when I got up in the morning and caught blob for maybe 3-5 seconds.  It was enough to make me smile and breathe a sigh of relief.  Yesterday morning I found blob much more quickly and long enough to get a reading.  Today I found blob, but wasn't able to get a reading.  My manual count matched up with what I've been hearing and I was able to record it on my phone so I can listen to it all day long :)  That brings us to 9w4d and I just hope and pray that the good news keeps coming!

Miracles

I always believed in miracles.  Or I did until I suffered my 2nd loss.  After that I didn't believe in much of anything.  How could I?  Everything was being ripped from beneath my feet...my world was turned upside down.  Then the 3rd loss happened.  Then IVF failed.  Then our FET failed.  What in the world would give me the idea that a miracle could happen?!

When we decided to try on our own again, I fully expected to have another ectopic.  I even calculated in my head that when we had another ectopic, I could possibly start another IVF cycle in December based on the 3 month wait following methotrexate.  I never expected that what has happened would.  I never imagined the day would come that we had a ute baby.  I never imagined that we would go to the doctor today and see a heartbeat.  I never imagined the RE would release me to my OB.  I never imagined I would get to call my OB and tell them I'm pregnant and it's not ectopic.  Yet all of this has happened.  I'm so thankful that it's happened.  I'm thankful for every single moment.  I hope I have 8+ more months of happy moments followed by a lifetime of joy.  It's certainly hard to imagine holding a baby in my arms, but I'm trying.

Here is our little miracle:

UTE BABY!

Yesterday was my first ultrasound which was to see where baby has implanted.  This was an extremely stressful, nerveracking and emotional time.  I certainly felt different from my other pregnancies.  I hadn't had any bleeding and no sharp pinching pains.  I did have occassionaly pains on my right side, so I certainly was not convinced that things would go well.

So I go to my appointment shaking and trying not to have a panic attack.  They bring me in and ask how I'm feeling and go over my history (Dr. K wasn't doing the u/s).  Then the dildo cam is prepped and in it goes.  We see nothing but a black screen...stupid gel created an air pocket.  She fixes it and reinserts and we see it right away!  That beautiful sac!  She says she *thinks* she sees something in it, but it's really really tiny.  She changed the angle a little and measured my little baby!  I can't believe it.  We can't believe it.  I know we're far from out of the woods as far as a healthy take home baby, but I'm basking in this moment.

I would like to introduce you to Baby delino:

Small Victories

Yesterday was my 3rd beta which came back at 439 (up from 204 2 days prior) and progesterone was 12.9.  While these are great numbers and things seem to be progressing like a normal pregnancy, I can't help but feel like I've been down this road before.  The doubling time has slowed from 37 hours to 43 which makes me feel like it's going to slow to a hault and stop growing because it's in my tube.  My 2nd pregnancy I had doubling betas, but they started really low:

16dpo - 8
18dpo - 20, 36 hour doubling (started bleeding this day)
20dpo - 49, 37 hour doubling
24dpo - 362, 33 hour doubling
30dpo - 875, 113 hour doubling

Now to my current pregnancy:

13dpo - 83
15dpo - 204, 37 hour doubling
17dpo - 439, 43 hour doubling

So somewhere around 400 it stopped doubling normally.  Am I doomed to repeat history?  I realize that my betas are much better for where I am as far as dpo especially compared to pg#2 and also the fact that I haven't had a any bleeding.  I should feel optimistic, but I can't.  My rational mind says that I may not be bleeding because of the progesterone.

Either way, I'm scheduled for an u/s on Wednesday the 19th.  I don't quite know how I'm going to not break down into hysterics when they start the u/s.  I've never had a good u/s.  I've never seen my baby and not have it folowed by the doctor telling me it's over.  Here's hoping this time is different.