Once in a Blue Moon

A quick recap:

Pregnancy #1: Negative HPT, AF arrived next day. A little over a week later started OPK's which were positive for 7 days. HPT came up positive. 1 week later heartbeat found in left tube...baby and tube removed.

Pregnancy #2: No AF and negative HPT's. Bloodwork at 16dpo showed beta of 8. Started bleeding 18dpo. Betas doubled for a week and spotting on and off. Confirmed ectopic at 6 weeks. Treated with methotrexate.

Pregnancy #3: Negative HPT, AF arrived 2 days later on time. 2 weeks later, 4 days of positive opk's led to positive HPT. 1st beta 115, 2nd 76, 3rd 111 and continued to fluctuate for a week. Presumed ectopic treated with methotrexate.

IVF: Transferred 1 embryo. FAIL

FET: Transferred 2 embryos. FAIL

That brings us to the present. We decided to try on our own again. First cycle was a fail. 2nd cycle:

Today's is a little darker. It looks like I'm pregnant. Today is 12 or 14 dpo. AF is due tomorrow or is late. Either way, I haven't had any bleeding. I keep checking for it. I keep having heart palpitations when I use the restroom. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I want to believe that this could be it.

Maybe the blue moon was the magic trick. Once in a blue moon a baby makes it to my ute? I'm not yet convinced.

I haven't gone for a beta yet. I plan to go Monday. All I can do is take it day by day at this point.

Wishing I had Ute Goggles

The beginning of a cycle is filled with hope. Nearing the time of ovulation is filled with anxiety of waiting for that glorious EWCM, timing BD'ing just right and waiting for the temp spike that you thought would never happen. The beginning of the 2ww...back to hope. Then you come to the end of your 2ww. The dreaded time of overanalyzing. Are my boobs sore, was that nausea, am I just tired or am I extra tired, what was that twinge...it's enough to make a sane woman cray cray. I'm nearing the end of a 2ww. I'm not really going crazy, I just hate the waiting. I hate that I'm about to say this because I've heard so many woman say it before and I've just rolled my eyes...I wonder if something else is wrong. In the past year, if we had good timing we got pregnant. Well, we had good timing last month and this month. I know this month isn't over, but I'm not really optimistic. So it makes me wonder...maybe the fertilized egg is actually making it down my tube and just not implanting. I just wish I knew what the heck was going on down there.

Have you seen my angels?

Have you seen my angels? I had them only briefly and then they were gone. I miss them so much and wish I could tell them so. If you see them, please tell them I love them and miss them. Their Papa loves them too and wanted so badly to meet them. I wish I could hold them and kiss them. I know they're safe wherever they may be, but I wish they could come visit us for a while. Even just a short while would be ok. Just long enough for me to hug them and kiss them. So I can look at their faces and burn their images into my memory forever. I'm sure they're the most beautiful angels that ever existed. They probably have their Papa's hair, as well as his lips and nose. Maybe they have my eyes and smile. Oh how fun it would be to have a day with our angels. The memories we would make would surpass any of the best memories I have. Everyone would flock to join our special day. Their grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins would be so happy to see them. If you see my angels, can you please tell them I've looked everywhere for them? Tell them that I did everything to find them and bring them home? Tell them I love them more than anything in the world? Let them know that we will be rejoined one day? Please, please tell them for me?

Nobody Gets It

I hate when the tears come.  When I think about talking to people IRL about what we've been through I tear up.  My friends and family want to be here for me, but I have NO interest in talking to them about it.  They don't get it, they don't understand.  So yes, if I need to talk they'll listen.  But all that's going to do is make me cry and crying doesn't help...it makes me feel worse, much worse.  And then they look at me like I'm broken and that makes it even worse.  They're not better than me because they have children or had complication free pregnancies.  Their lives aren't better than mine.  They're not more important than me because they have, or will have, offspring.  I very much dislike pity.  I don't need you to pity me.  You can be sensitive to what I've been through, but don't give me your pity...and don't give me that stupid f'n look like I'm the saddest person on earth. 

Life goes on

Life doesn't stop even after 3 ectopics, a failed IVF and failed frozen transfer.  I have no choice but to look towards the future.  We've decided that we would try on our own and hope for a miracle.  So this was our first month back at it.  Of course hubby got sick, then he got injured at work.  We might have salvaged the cycle, but I'm not getting my hopes up. 

I've endulged in a little retail therapy and am continuing to try to check things off my to-do list around the house.  This weekend brought with it a new fancy printer and a Coach bag.  It also involved throwing out stuff, which felt great!  It feels so cleansing to get rid of crap.

Lastly, I've had numerous recruiters contact me over the past couple of weeks.  One called yesterday and seems like he has quite a few career opportunities for me.  He seems to get what I'm looking for and understand my value.  I have a meeting with him tomorrow, so I'm hoping for some good news.  I'm not getting my hopes up, but it would be nice to have something positive happen in our lives.

Nobody told me life would be this hard

As expected, my beta on Wednesday the 11th was negative.  If I really think about it I start to lose it, but if I push it out of my head I can gain my composure and carry on.  Some would say you have to face your feelings and emotions.  I say shove them deep down inside and pretend like they don't exist.  Slap a smile on your face and make the world think that you're happy as can be.  I did this at work on Wednesday.  I'm kind of thankful that my phone didn't actually ring...a voicemail just popped up.  So I listened to it, deleted it, sent my text messages and sucked back the tears.  Work has been busy, so I'm diving head first into it for the distraction...not because I like work.

Hubby is upset that it has failed as well of course.  He won't show his emotions, but when I started to cry the other night, he covered his face and said he can't take it when I'm sad.

While we could make it work to cycle again, I don't feel comfortable doing it right now.  I've been on the IVF journey since February...5 months of planning and building up my hopes and dreams.  Quite a bit of our hard earned money was spent.  It's a hard pill to swallow.  I know people do this 2, 3, 4 or more times paying OOP.  I just don't think it's something that I can do.  So for now, we will go back to trying naturally knowing it's a high risk of an ectopic.

I think what frustrates me the most about my ectopic risk, is that there's no reason for it.  My tube looked healthy and it's open and clear.  Why won't it just work?!  Why does it get stuck?  It just doesn't make any sense.  Most people that have tubal infertility have blocked or scarred tubes or endometriosis.  I have none of that.

Dr. K had said that my tube could start working one day.  That I could get pregnant on our own.  So for now, that's what we'll try.  In the past we've conceived fairly quickly after our losses, so maybe we will conceive quickly again...or maybe it won't be as easy anymore.  I guess time will tell.

The heartbreak and dissappointment that I feel is not an easy thing to deal with.  Knowing that I'm not at a point in my life where I'm running out of time just yet helps.  I'll be turning 31 in a little over 2 months.  I have time before even IVF wouldn't give me much hope.  So off we go...hoping that we get to be the lucky ones.

Why can't it be me?

Why can't I be the one that gets a BFP 6 days after my transfer?  Why can't I be the one that IVF works on the first try?  Why can't I have IF insurance coverage?

I dread going through another IVF cycle.  What do I do from here?  Do I keep trying naturally hoping and praying that one day I will have a successful pregnancy?  Where do I draw the line?