Nobody told me life would be this hard

As expected, my beta on Wednesday the 11th was negative.  If I really think about it I start to lose it, but if I push it out of my head I can gain my composure and carry on.  Some would say you have to face your feelings and emotions.  I say shove them deep down inside and pretend like they don't exist.  Slap a smile on your face and make the world think that you're happy as can be.  I did this at work on Wednesday.  I'm kind of thankful that my phone didn't actually ring...a voicemail just popped up.  So I listened to it, deleted it, sent my text messages and sucked back the tears.  Work has been busy, so I'm diving head first into it for the distraction...not because I like work.

Hubby is upset that it has failed as well of course.  He won't show his emotions, but when I started to cry the other night, he covered his face and said he can't take it when I'm sad.

While we could make it work to cycle again, I don't feel comfortable doing it right now.  I've been on the IVF journey since February...5 months of planning and building up my hopes and dreams.  Quite a bit of our hard earned money was spent.  It's a hard pill to swallow.  I know people do this 2, 3, 4 or more times paying OOP.  I just don't think it's something that I can do.  So for now, we will go back to trying naturally knowing it's a high risk of an ectopic.

I think what frustrates me the most about my ectopic risk, is that there's no reason for it.  My tube looked healthy and it's open and clear.  Why won't it just work?!  Why does it get stuck?  It just doesn't make any sense.  Most people that have tubal infertility have blocked or scarred tubes or endometriosis.  I have none of that.

Dr. K had said that my tube could start working one day.  That I could get pregnant on our own.  So for now, that's what we'll try.  In the past we've conceived fairly quickly after our losses, so maybe we will conceive quickly again...or maybe it won't be as easy anymore.  I guess time will tell.

The heartbreak and dissappointment that I feel is not an easy thing to deal with.  Knowing that I'm not at a point in my life where I'm running out of time just yet helps.  I'll be turning 31 in a little over 2 months.  I have time before even IVF wouldn't give me much hope.  So off we go...hoping that we get to be the lucky ones.